[Busy Day 1] Trying to make it work, but damn these times are hard.

Hey readers! ā¤

I was so busy today. I went to work this morning – Dad sent me to work before sending Mother to work. So it saved me the travelling to work I hate so much. Basically, all I did was have breakfast, answered a few calls, and off I left for GB again!:)

Went back to GM, camwhored, and I left to meet Zhi Xuan with Tinghui. We travelled down to Paya Lebar Circle Line station, where we met up with Jolene and Colene. It’s great seeing those girls again šŸ™‚ Missed those times where we planned events for GB, and we camwhored, taking part in different activities together. Sure, they might not be the coolest clique, but they’re all so awesome people šŸ™‚

Posted some pictures of times I really missed, and times where I looked at my best because of the people around me. I really cannot say that we didn’t changed since we first met before. It’s a totally different thing whether to say if we changed for the good or for the worst, but I missed those guys so much!:)

Went to teach drill at Wellington Primary School with Jolene, Colene, Zhixuan and Tinghui. At first, I was up to a rough start with the junior girls cos they were pretty talkative and rude. Partly, I couldn’t understand that they were still kids so I’ve got to let them grow up. But slowly, as I try to lighten my heart, things became so much better. Didn’t really get to understand those girls. But to have seen them improve from what they did before, to what they have achieved before I left is just simply amazing šŸ™‚

Been thinking a lot since I came home from today’s events, and I felt that I should have done a lot of things differently, then maybe I would have turned out someone better, someone whom people can treat seriously. For example, on how I’m not a studious student. I still wanna have my share of fun, but I’m really serious into achieving a good GPA in poly so I can enter a good university of my choice, unlike the limited choices that I could make after secondary school because of my results. Another thing I can’t truly ask/answer myself if I’m one of the most influential leaders in council or GB. Am I? Am I not? These are the kind of questions I wouldn’t be able to answer myself. These are questions I need people to tell me the answer to.

Pioneer Brigaders’ Brooch was one of the top most things I wanted to achieve in my entire life ever since I knew of its existence, one of the few things I would have wanted to receive in my entire life, one of the things that deep down is something that can prove to others as well as myself if I am truly a leader. It’s pretty upsetting how I didn’t receive it, and it truly made me doubt myself as a leader. The PBB experience, though it was good/okay, but it definitely make me look on another side of life, another side of how people can really be, how I really look at GB now. Don’t take me wrong. I’m not writing this in spite because I’m angry/rash/furious because of how I’m unable to receive that brooch. No, please don’t take me wrong. It just left me a scar that up till now, it’s still so hard to mend.

It feels/look like I’m really enthusiastic in GB/Council but ever since after the whole journey, I came back a different person. If you didn’t notice, I lost that lil part of my confidence in myself. That little key thing that mattered a lot to me made the key part of me being a leader shatter. I feel so fake because up till now, I still can’t put my whole heart into GB anymore. I’m sorry to have to say this, but it’s so true. I hesitate before accepting to serve in any event. I feel so distant from what I used to be so passionate about. The one thing that I grew up in my life with. I was here in GB since Primary 2, and look where have I gone?

I began to doubt myself. I can’t say ‘I will come back every week to serve, I can’t promise to come back and help Miss Wong anymore’. Sometimes I just felt, I shouldn’t have attended PBB after all.Ā It really left me a deep scar there. Because when I return for GB, it just makes me hurt and feel like crying over and over again because of that thing I will not/never receive. I feel that whenever I go bac to attend events in GB, the experiences that I had in PBB just keeps replaying and replaying, the words that people said about me keeps replaying and replaying and I just can’t seem to go back anymore because it really hurts.

Because it serves as a constant reminder to me that I failed the PBB.

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