I’m so glad that the weekend is here; many new changes to adapt to, new people to meet, new everything. It’s a week into poly life, and I’m glad with the effort I’ve been putting in. I’m proud to say that I put in my best for every single module that I’ve taken this week, so whatever the result, I already did my best.
Made a bunch of good friends through FOP, and I’m glad I went for it. To those who didn’t, you probably lost out. I’m glad I’m able to be who I want to be around them – no shield, no lies, no pretences. I feel it from my smiles, laughters, grins from the pictures.
I appreciate the little times we’ve been skypeing even though we’re in the same class, same building or even right next to each other. How I’m able to confide in them, and trusting that they won’t speak of it to anyone else. I love how we IM each other during classes – talking about the good and the bad things that’s been going on. I love how you guys appreciate for who I am, and who I want to be.
You know how encouraging it is when people cheer so loudly they lose their voice, just because I’m going on stage doing what I loved best. Even though I’m shaking with fear inside of me, I just want to do these people who’s cheering some justice. I never been appreciated more in my entire life. Guess what, we screwed up the performance in Jam&Hop, yet people came by not to blame me but thank me for going up and saying I did well. All these little gestures would never fail to make me smile, make me feel belonged even more.
All my life, as long as I started to open my mouth, people tell me to ‘Shut the hell up‘ or ‘You’re so fucking annoying. Stop singing, will you?‘. Or if I started dancing, people start to snigger or they’ll comment on how funny I look. Do you guys ever stopped to think that it would hurt my feelings or was I just another person you guys could make fun of?
But this bunch of friends, they don’t tell me to shut up or they don’t ignore me when I say something no matter how ridiculous it is. They don’t laugh at me when I dance, they join me and they say that I can really dance. They don’t call me fat, they call me ‘a little huge ball of energy’. But most of all, when I sing, they sing with me and they say genuinely encourage me to sing more. When I do recordings, they look forward to it. When I need someone to accompany me to attend dance open class, they’re here.
Maybe the people in my past reacted to me in that way because I had a certain attitude towards them. I don’t blame them, because I was really mean, bitchy. I’m a totally new person now – starting afresh, where everyone came from different pasts and no one minded who you were before, all they care is what you do right now and how you behave right now.
I just wanted to say that my purpose in writing this is not to push the friends I’ve made from my past (the clique, the council, the GB friends, the Choir friends, classmates) aside just because I have new friends. Whenever I whatsapp y’all, I feel like I don’t matter to you guys anymore. You don’t reply my texts, or else you just treat it like it’s another text message. Whenever I try to organise another outing/gathering, no one wants to respond. But the moment someone else try to organise something, you guys respond. How do you think I will feel about that? I’m only human you know.
I feel that just because we’re all in different schools, different schedules, different group of friends, don’t push away the ones you made before – people you spent more time with, people who knew you more than the ones know of you now. Because the moment you do that, you hurt someone else whom thought you bothered, or cared.