I feel like I’m losing all my friends, and people that I care about. The scary part is, I don’t even know what to do about it. I don’t know if I want to do anything about it.
On the one hand, it hurts and stings like that when I get left out. I feel hurt and disappointed, and I wonder what the heck is wrong with me. Am I really that insignificant? I guess so. I tried to let go of the birthday thing but I can’t. It still hurts, it still stings. And now this? This is just a continuation of that slap in the face. Its a kick in the gut, as well.
On the other hand, somehow I can’t be bothered with people anymore. Everyone wants something from you, everyone expects something in return. And when you can’t deliver? Disappointments. Its exhausting. I have nothing left to give anymore. What more do you want from me? Another thing: if you can’t be bothered with our friendship, why should I be the only one making the effort? If I’m not important to you, why should you be important to me?
Can’t tell who’s fake and who’s real anymore. I guess I’ve learnt what they meant by taking your emotions out of the equation. What it means to plaster a smile on your face and tell everyone you’re ok. I used to think it was difficult and almost impossible to hide my emotions, but I guess amongst people I don’t know anymore and people who don’t know me anymore, its easier. It almost becomes habitual.
I need a break from everything. School work, life, friends, people in general. Its overwhelming. I want to travel. To go somewhere far away from Singapore and get my head sorted out. Maybe then everything will be ok. Maybe I will be ok. Maybe not. Its a cycle.
When you try your best but you don’t succeed | When you feel so tired, but you can’t sleep | When you lose something you can’t replace | When you love someone but it goes to waste | Could it be worse?
Taken from http://clyrehc.livejournal.com/49080.html