The last thing I want anyone to do is to snatch anything from me; friends seem to be the most common, followed by the spotlight. Funny how one moment you can be the best of friends, the next you won’t even think you are going to speak to her for the rest of your life.
#TGIF It’s Friday and the week is finally over + my weekends are no longer taken up by people so I am kinda free to do pretty much what I want over these two days. I just want to nua around at home, maybe cook some dishes for dinner, sleep, dance, sing; practically do whatever I want. Guess after having to give to so many people, I deserve some ‘me’ time with myself.
However, before I get my ‘me’ time, I need to complete my list of #Thingstodo:
- Update my schedule/organiser
- Swimming + Badminton
- Collate notes
- Complete evaluation for facilitators
- Pack my table + shelf + throw away things I don’t need
- Stop feeling so negative
The main point is not to update you about my life because it’s such a monotonous life I’m living, I came here to rant. I need an outlet to say my piece. It’s a method to control my anger or else I’ll end up bursting at the person or else someone else who’s unlucky enough to catch me at the wrong time. I sound like some no-life whiny little girl but I’m really angry at whatever has been happening. Honestly, I don’t know how to start.
Liking someone is not something I can control, even if I wished to, it still comes. Falling easily for people is my weakness, it’s not something to be proud of and it’s not easy to deal with. I have to keep telling myself it’s just another infatuation, another crush, another someone who don’t even know you exist. I feel so stupid feeling the way I do all the time – I keep thinking about a certain person whether I like it or not. I hate succumbing to my own feelings because I don’t even trust my own judgement anymore, it just makes its own decision, make me feel a certain way, things keep happening over and over again, in the same cycle and I get humiliated a hundred times over. I wished all these would just stopped and leave me alone. I rather be alone than hurt many times over. I just wished I had some say in my own affairs of the heart but no, it’s not giving me a chance to.
Please stop treating me like a fool already. Because I know whatever is going on. I do. Stop hiding it from people because we can see it. I’m not some stupid fucktard where I don’t know what’s going on. Why do you think I left that night when we were walking to the station together? You like him, he likes you. Your two other friends knew it and were nudging you to speak to him, but I was there, and you used your eyes to hint your friend to shut up. But glad for you, I walked away. Now, I heard you two are going to be dating. And you broke up with your boyfriend just because of that.
I just wished someone would have the courtesy to tell me something was going on between the both of you so I’ll back off. But no, I was left there guided by my own feelings, behaving a fucking moron and y’all just stood there watching all this unfold in front of you. I’m not sad cos I didn’t get to be with him or whatever the fuck it is. He is not worth it anyway. I learnt many important lessons: “Throughout everything, I’ve learnt never to let my hopes go high, always expect disappointments or what have you.” I’m pissed because no one told me. I feel so fucking humiliated, embarrassed with nowhere to hide my face in.
But guess what? I’m kinda glad you’re going to be together with him because it just showed me what a nice friend you can be. It opened up my eyes to seeing who are my friends really were – people who pretended to be concerned but in fact, they just stood there watching. It just showed me what you’re capable of. You’re a fucking two faced bitch, fucking hypocrite that I can’t stand to even make conversation with you.
One more thing, I learnt to give away my old toys to the less fortunate.