Sleeping makes me forget everything

I’m so glad that when I get into a deep sleep, without having any dreams throughout the night, the intense emotions/feelings that I had in me before I sleep seemed to have faded away. Got knocked back into my senses by everyone else around me and they’re right. I need to not let things affect me so easily.

I don’t feel angry/upset anymore. I shouldn’t waste all time thinking about people who make me angry/upset/feelings of negativity but think about things I can do with people who never fail to make me smile. I need to be the ‘I don’t a give a fuck about what you think, I’m just going to do what I want’ faith again, not someone who keeps wanting to be the nice girl and give in to what everyone wants me to do. It’s time to stand up for myself (in a good way, of course!)

In this life, there’s no way I can ever please everyone, but I can always please myself. xo

Amazing how events can unfold so quickly in a span of few days.

The last thing I want anyone to do is to snatch anything from me; friends seem to be the most common, followed by the spotlight. Funny how one moment you can be the best of friends, the next you won’t even think you are going to speak to her for the rest of your life.

#TGIF It’s Friday and the week is finally over + my weekends are no longer taken up by people so I am kinda free to do pretty much what I want over these two days. I just want to nua around at home, maybe cook some dishes for dinner, sleep, dance, sing; practically do whatever I want. Guess after having to give to so many people, I deserve some ‘me’ time with myself.

However, before I get my ‘me’ time, I need to complete my list of #Thingstodo:

  • Update my schedule/organiser
  • Swimming + Badminton
  • Collate notes
  • Complete evaluation for facilitators
  • Pack my table + shelf + throw away things I don’t need
  • Stop feeling so negative

The main point is not to update you about my life because it’s such a monotonous life I’m living, I came here to rant. I need an outlet to say my piece. It’s a method to control my anger or else I’ll end up bursting at the person or else someone else who’s unlucky enough to catch me at the wrong time. I sound like some no-life whiny little girl but I’m really angry at whatever has been happening. Honestly, I don’t know how to start.

Liking someone is not something I can control, even if I wished to, it still comes. Falling easily for people is my weakness, it’s not something to be proud of and it’s not easy to deal with. I have to keep telling myself it’s just another infatuation, another crush, another someone who don’t even know you exist. I feel so stupid feeling the way I do all the time – I keep thinking about a certain person whether I like it or not. I hate succumbing to my own feelings because I don’t even trust my own judgement anymore, it just makes its own decision, make me feel a certain way, things keep happening over and over again, in the same cycle and I get humiliated a hundred times over. I wished all these would just stopped and leave me alone. I rather be alone than hurt many times over. I just wished I had some say in my own affairs of the heart but no, it’s not giving me a chance to.

To you:

Please stop treating me like a fool already. Because I know whatever is going on. I do. Stop hiding it from people because we can see it. I’m not some stupid fucktard where I don’t know what’s going on. Why do you think I left that night when we were walking to the station together? You like him, he likes you. Your two other friends knew it and were nudging you to speak to him, but I was there, and you used your eyes to hint your friend to shut up. But glad for you, I walked away. Now, I heard you two are going to be dating. And you broke up with your boyfriend just because of that.

I just wished someone would have the courtesy to tell me something was going on between the both of you so I’ll back off. But no, I was left there guided by my own feelings, behaving a fucking moron and y’all just stood there watching all this unfold in front of you. I’m not sad cos I didn’t get to be with him or whatever the fuck it is. He is not worth it anyway. I learnt many important lessons: “Throughout everything, I’ve learnt never to let my hopes go high, always expect disappointments or what have you.” I’m pissed because no one told me. I feel so fucking humiliated, embarrassed with nowhere to hide my face in.

But guess what? I’m kinda glad you’re going to be together with him because it just showed me what a nice friend you can be. It opened up my eyes to seeing who are my friends really were – people who pretended to be concerned but in fact, they just stood there watching. It just showed me what you’re capable of. You’re a fucking two faced bitch, fucking hypocrite that I can’t stand to even make conversation with you.

One more thing, I learnt to give away my old toys to the less fortunate.

You don’t know how I feel

I’m so tired from everything that’s been going on – school, life’s troubles.

Spent my entire afternoon with my last UT1 Paper (Amen!) & the rest of the evening at The Makan Place dance rehearsal;) Let’s just say the UT papers were manageable, having not fully prepared for it. I didn’t really have time to write long answers, but I think it’s pretty much fine. I just want to score for at least 3/4 of the paper *cross fingers*

Today’s rehearsal was more of conditioning and finishing up the opening dance! Fuck conditioning, I swear. My entire body is aching and this is only the beginning. Sang, danced the entire evening and I must say it’s an awesome workout. Even though it’s torturing, I am actually looking forward to the next session;)

My day started off badly, but guess it ended pretty well. I just need to get through tomorrow and it’ll be a breeze on friday. I can finally take that rest that has been long overdued for three weeks already. I’m currently on zombie mode and I haven’t been talking. I’m so tired, my eyelids are so droopy, I just want my bed.

I’m getting so frustrated with my feelings. Cos I don’t know whether to feel this way or not. Maybe it’s true my hopes are getting pinned too high but I can’t help but just think about a you and a me. I wished I didn’t feel this way, but the more I don’t want it to, the more it just comes and overwhelm me.

It gets to me at times. I just wished I have enough self-control to do this.

Trying to make it work but man these times are hard.

No matter what I do, it never seems to be good enough for anyone.

Every single morning, WordPress would pop out in the list of urls that will open when I open Google Chrome. I always have something that I want to say, that I keep inside, but somehow the words just won’t come out.

I’ve been busy with my UT 1s and I’m finally done to the last paper tomorrow. I’m panicking inside, I know I ought to study, but I just don’t know how to start. Maybe reading through the notes will help but the thing is, I am not allowed to bring in my paper notes which probably mean I’m screwed. Or else I’ll have to copy it to the textbook.

I’m going to be busy for the month of July with:

  • 2nd Internals
  • The Makanplace rehearsals
  • Preparation for UT2
  • Ignite

I’ve been feeling emotionally unstable and even as I type this, I feel like I’m going to cry. I have so many feelings I am feeling right now, I don’t know if that is possible but all I just want to do is to talk to someone I can trust completely, someone that will not judge but I can’t even find that one person. I feel like such a failure in life, because one of my RJs required me to talk about someone who touched me but I can’t even find one person. I had to fucking lie through it. I feel like I had no friends, no one I can lean on. This is definitely not true but y’know honestly, I want to find someone who will be there for free hugs, shoulder for me to cry on, or be there just as my listening ear.

I feel so angry. I feel so sad. I feel so helpless. I feel useless. I feel irritated and no, it’s not that time of the month. I just feel like I’m all alone in this fucking world where I have no friends. Like close friends. Like BFFs. I have loads of acquaintances. This make me seem like I’m super ungrateful to those who’ve been around me but I don’t know. I just feel alone.

I feel so unmotivated especially with school because I have been stoning there or else sleeping in class. I feel like another Shalini who isn’t doing anything. I feel like I’m physically there but emotionally and mentally I’m just not present. I hate the people who have been talking behind my back about this. I envy Replugios who have awesome classmates or they seem to be enjoying class. I used to have such a feeling when I go to school, but now I’m just dreading every single minute there. I’m always counting down to the time I can meet the Replugios again. Maybe it’s just me but right now, all I want to do is to sleep and let everything go away.

Swag, swag, on you.

Time passes really fast, and June is going to be over in a few days.

Ching’s Cake

Celebrated Ching’s birthday with the Replugios and even though the cake was wasted, the cake was designed by me + Victoria Torrie. Even though I’m not that artistic, I think it’s a pretty good job for a first time;) He should be touched cos we were all rushing to get the cake because everyone else was having UT and Deon kindly paid for our cab fares to and fro:)

Heading out with the Replugios batchies to give out Ignite flyers + posters;) Hopefully there’ll be pictures to be uploaded tonight. Shall blog another time, don’t feel like talking much.

xo

TGIF

Replug

A collage of my Replug family (Not all were present)

I really love this collage! Credits to Amanda for doing this! It’s so lovely!

Spent my Friday evening with the awesomest people!;) We were supporting our seniors who were performing for a Ignite preview and it’s really awesome even tho there were glitches. We all learnt something from it, I guess. Practiced with my band mates for our showcase, seems like it’s going well. Just hope my voice does heal before the showcase or I might as well roll over and kill myself already. Headed to ‘The Deck’ that everyone was talking about, guess where everyone hung loose but I couldn’t stay long!

xo lovelies!

I’ve got something they don’t?

Guess I couldn’t concentrate in writing my RJ cos I’m feeling very emotional. I think I’m going to break down very soon. I haven’t spoken much to people, I’ve been ostracising myself from everyone I know, I’ve been anti-social. I seem to appear fine on the outside, but you don’t know/have no idea how I feel inside. Just a moment ago, I felt like I had another family, but now I feel like I’m an outcast. There’s this weird circle around me where people are starting to leave me out in their social conversations, I can’t help but feel really upset/insecure about it. I don’t think I’m being paranoid, cos I think that’s the truth. The truth hurts. I can’t help but feel left out, that’s why I chose to leave. It’s not that I didn’t have fun or I regret joining, but somehow I’m left out there.

No one wants me.

This too shall pass

I tell myself. I’m sick and tired of feeling this way.

heartlessemotion

So this is my very first blog. Maybe this is a little awkward cause it came so suddenly but I had this sudden inspiration to write all my feelings somewhere so i decided to create this blog. So yeah, that’s about it for now 😀 stay tuned for more. FYI, i was influenced by my friends Faith and Shalini to create this blog. *laughs*

View original post

One of the best RJ I’ve written.

I have always wanted to write a song, an idea I’ve always longed to complete. It may seem simple, just putting words together. But it’s more than that, a lot more than that. Song writing has many purposes, but all requires a message that we want to bring across. It’s a method to dig deeper to the thoughts that’s going through my mind, the feelings and expressions that I wish to convey to others.

I can try to implement the strategy of ‘examining by analogy’ when I wish to speak of a message subtly to my audience. Like the example in the worksheet, we can quote from Shakespeare “All the world’s a stage, And all the men and women merely players: They have their exits and their entrances.” where Shakespeare brings us a message that the life we are living in is merely a performance, everyone have their time to come and go. But by using analogy, it makes people give more thought to what we are trying to say rather than to tell them the message directly.

Also, I can try to use the strategy of ‘examining by knowing the history of an idea’. This is useful when I want to write about a song with a certain message like peace, love, justice – topics that are of social concern. For example, love can have different meanings – for example, love can be having intimate feelings for someone of the opposite sex, love can also mean brotherly or sisterly love between people generally, love can be the love for people who are suffering in that time, in time of war. The song ‘Where is the love?’ was questioning the world peace during the war, questioning why is there a war even though everyone seems to be of equal.

These strategies would be helpful when I’m trying to bring a message across without doing it so directly, allowing the target audience have some food for thought about what I’m trying to convey.

My RJ for Cognitive Process and Problem Solving Problem 06. One of the best RJs I feel that I have written. Maybe this was smth I always wanted to talk about, but I couldn’t think of a proper title to express it. Deon mentioned it, and I realised it was plausible. Thus, the piece. xo

Stuck in reverse

When you try your best but you don’t succeed; you get what you want but not what you need.

That line’s been playing in my head over and over again. Today is officially the third day of school after our 2 weeks “study break” of which I did not even touch my books for one bit. Had so many activities, camps, rehearsals for the entire two weeks. Some of which I did enjoy myself very much, some of which I did not. But I’m glad it’s over.

I hate having to make decisions over things I both love. Decisions that will lead to different paths. I hate making life-changing decisions. It’s good I made it into the auditions. But now, I can’t decide which I’m staying in. I’ve been racking my brains over it so much, I’m tired of people telling what I should or should not do.

All I can say.. I’m probably stretching myself too thinly again.

xo

I’m a REPLUGIO

What am I s’pposed to do when the best part of me is always you? What am I s’pposed to say when I’m all choked up and you’re okay yea? I’m falling to pieces, yea.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

Although I’m s’pposed to head down to school for some music theory lesson kinda thing, I’m quite lazy to move seeing that I live in the east and my school’s in Woodlands. And I’ll be the only vocalist there while the rest are musicians. I feel so out-of-place. Le sigh.

Just ended Replug camp last week, and to be honest, I really miss it. It’s the best camp I’ve ever been to, and I don’t have times that I’m falling asleep because of talks, boring games or meaningless programmes. I saw another side to the people, which are really different from the first impressions that I had of them. And ever since I’ve been in the Members Only group, I’m enjoying the statuses they post up there. I’m finally able to say that: ‘I’M PROUD TO BE A REPLUGIO’

xoxo

Don’t you realised I decided to push you out from my life? Don’t you realised I’m good at doing that? I don’t need someone like you in my life; I need someone there for me no matter what. I don’t want you as a bf, but I don’t even want you as a friend even more. You just proved to me you’re not what I expected you to be anyway. In any case, I’m glad to be rid of you.

Quick updates!

What I’ve been doing since holidays started:

  • 28th May: The Makan Place Callbacks
  • 29th May: Replug Vocal Training + Rhapsody Practice
  • 30th May – 1st June: Replug Camp

Things to look forward to:

  • USS trip with Mandy and Sheryl
  • Rhapsody Camp
  • The Makan Place practice sessions

Had a really great time with the Replugios! Thought that it would have been a bad experience; but it was so fun. What I loved most was the jamming sessions where we just sat around, sang our hearts out, just doing what we love, like a family. We had an internal showcase – where we were split into bands, with different dynamics (I had a beatboxer & a keyboardist!!) and I sang ‘Hit Me Baby One More Time’ by Britney Spears. I changed the whole arrangement of the song, and the feel was so different. I felt so proud of my team for coming up with such an arrangement!

The best part of the show? All of us had our special styles so every single performance was really awesome to watch!

Needa unpack, prepare for the next few activities. Shall blog properly soon! xo