Bulletproof.

Had a meeting with le Zaini on Tuesday after NDOC and it was well, motivational. For me, at least.

Let’s talk about NDOC. I’ve only got one thing to say. It was fantabulous! I was still nervous (like duh) but I totally got outta it and tried connecting with the audience. I looked stupid but I think I managed to connect with the audience. My band was really great and I’m truly honoured to be able to perform with them. It wasn’t supposed to be my time to perform but I thank the seniors for giving me the chance:)

I think the thing I really took out from this would be the things I’ve learnt during the time I got stressed – stage presence. No matter how shy I was to break out from that shell to talk to the audience, I did it. It’s a step towards being a better performer. It might not have been the best but it’s a milestone for me:) I constantly remind myself that every single time I perform, be it for internals or other performances, I am going to take down one flaw from my performance. It will not be perfect, it’ll never be perfect but it’ll be one of the best I’ve ever done and will ever do.

Zaini came to talk to replug about some issues and I also questioned myself about it. It brought me back to the times where I was in council and GB and we had to brainstorm about so many things; which direction we want to go, how are we going to do that. It looks simple but it requires so much thought put into it. I really admire those who really think about where the organisation should go and the like. And, I kinda took up a role in Replug, unofficial but I think I want to try that. I have Shafiq’s and Hafidz’s promise to help me with it:)

With power comes great responsibility

xo

What am I supposed to say? How am I supposed to react? You’re not of any concern to me. I don’t have the right. I think that’s the whole problem with me, always being so obsessed with other people’s business. That’s what cost so many people to hate me and the reason why I get upset so easily.

How would you like it if you’re constantly replaced by someone else. When your good friend gets together with someone else, you’re chucked aside. Or if your close friends finally found their better half, you’re just no longer needed anymore? I constantly find myself in that position. It makes me happy for them but at the same time, it’s so heartbreaking for me.

Am I not important to anyone at all? That they will not find reasons to not replace me with someone else better. I mean, it’s cool they’ve found someone but it’s not cool that I find out I’m no longer as important.

Whoever has gotten your attention, I feel happy for them. Just stop, shoving it in my face. As selfish as this gets, I just want to be in the position where I’m the one replacing someone else, not the other way around.

xo

Everything’s gonna be alright.

‘Throw your sticks and stones, throw your bombs and your blows. But you’re not going to break my soul’

Let the criticisms come because it’s what improves you as a person. Theres two ways you can look at it – negatively or positively. Cry and get it over with. Come out stronger. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

That was what I told Farah and Qistina when I was on the way home after the full run for NDOC. It kinda got everyone down but I think it seems to have gotten better today. Guess yesterday’s been a really long Friday. Didn’t go to school because I’ve been accompanying my grandma who was in the hospital. She’s finally discharged so at least I don’t have to run to so many places anymore.

Headed to school for NDOC preview/sound check/full run and I felt it was pretty much screwed. Before we even ended, Zaini went on about how bad and unacceptable the performance was. I didn’t know how to react, it’s like I tried my best to interpret how I should be on stage but I really have no idea. I broke down right after his comment, and I felt so stupid to have done so. I kinda agreed with what he said, but I just didn’t know how to do it. I’m a failure as a performer. Whatever it is, it’s over. I need to practise what I have ‘preached’ to Farah and Qis, so I’m going to take in whatever help I can get from Zai and Vic. I’m going to prove Zaini wrong.

I’m still in the stage where I’m learning how to get better as a performer. I have a direction of what I want to do, I just need the time to accomplish it. Every internals, I aim to take one of my flaws from vocals and performance down. It’s not going to be easy but the process and the end result will be so fulfilling.

xo

Worthless Wednesday.

I have tendencies to write when I’m on the long train ride home, when I’m usually alone. Most of them are reflections of the day and where I am in my life. Sometimes, they are just too private to post up but I guess this is fine. So if you’re wondering why there are delays in the posts, it’s probably because of that reason.

***

I just want to cry so badly. I’ve been controlling that tears that’s been welling up in my eyes and yet, I’m just holding them in. Y’know I just sit and wonder what a failure my life has been. Friends and family. I think I fail in these two aspects the most. My academics haven’t been the most outstanding, I haven’t been the best at anything.

Friends. Honestly, I don’t know who are my so called friends. I don’t have this clique whom I’ll do everything with anymore. Everything is so different now that everyone is moving down different paths to their lives. I pine for the past but it hits me that it is just going to be memories and nothing more. I get really upset because I hate to forge friendships and only to find out later that I am the only one who cares. It’s like the saying ‘It always take two hands to clap’ but right now, it’s like I am the only one putting in the effort. Whatever it is, I’m letting my hands off this. All I know is that I’ve tried my best so it’s time to move on.

I knew everyone in my life would leave me one way or another. I just can’t seem to hold on to people long enough. Look, we are drifting apart. I know it. Or maybe I expect too much but we ain’t talking. You got bored of me. I knew it’s just going to happen sooner or later.

 

Reflections

Every time I type that word or I think about it, the song ‘Reflections’ by Christina Aguilera (Which is also the soundtrack for the show, Mulan) would play in my head. That song speaks to me; it’s like my life story. Anyway, I should not have posted the previous post when I was angry but I am not going to take that back because if I do, I know it’ll end up resurfacing again someday.

Anyway, it’s been some time since I last blogged. I wanted to but the words just seem to be choked back along with my tears. I’ve been feeling emotional these few days (No guise, it’s not PMS). It’s been a rough two weeks. I was sick for the first week, and I was struggling to do the song ‘Alone’ by Heart for my internals. As much as I really loved the song, I just felt that I could not do the song justice. I mean if I worry about the song for such a long time, it means something. So, even though I only had three days left, I decided to change the song. But a birdie told me that internals has been postponed for another week because of the clashes we had. *jumps for joy*

National Day is coming and I’ll be singing for my school’s show. I’m not exactly honoured or anything to perform for it because 1) It’s stressing me up and 2) I wasn’t the first choice they chose. It was supposed to be Marissa but she fell sick and had to stay home to recuperate, only to find out that her role was taken away from her by me. Do y’know how bad I felt? It’s not that I want it because honestly, I’m not ready. I’m not saying that like for attention, but genuinely I’m not ready for huge shows like this. I cannot take the stress of the previews, of having to talk on stage. I have a huge case of stage fright. I might not seem to be that kind of person who would have such low self-esteem of myself. But I’m not confident of what I can do. I don’t have faith in myself. No matter how much other people tell me that I can do that, but I know I’m not good enough and I’m never going to be good enough.

I admit, I haven’t been opening up to people lately. I’ve been so afraid of being let down/betrayed or worst, being left behind. I’ve been through countless talks with my batchies on our page and I’ve finally convinced myself that as much as the fact that some people hurts so badly, I know that they are going to pursue what they have always wanted to do. I should not be so selfish as to want to stop them, but I should instead wish them all the best in their endeavours. I mean, who am I to stop my friends from pursuing their dreams? It’s their dream, after all.

I have my dream too and if it means having to give up things/people I love, I will do so to achieve it. It’s not going to be easy for anyone but I’m sure no one wants to leave as well. Whatever it is, I won’t be in the way of what y’all want to do because the same way, I don’t want anyone to be in my way as well.

x

When you say something, fucking do it.

I’m been getting really emotional these days. But right now, I’m feeling like I can wring the neck of the person responsible for making me feel like this. I hate it when people say meet/practise at a certain time, and we should do otherwise than what we’ve planned for. This makes work that we are supposed to complete for that day to be rescheduled for another day. It gets on my nerves, I know I’m not the most punctual person on this earth but at least I have a sense of urgency when I know I am late.

Maybe because growing up in GB make me more aware of my time but it’s not an excuse for anyone else.

x