Every time I type that word or I think about it, the song ‘Reflections’ by Christina Aguilera (Which is also the soundtrack for the show, Mulan) would play in my head. That song speaks to me; it’s like my life story. Anyway, I should not have posted the previous post when I was angry but I am not going to take that back because if I do, I know it’ll end up resurfacing again someday.
Anyway, it’s been some time since I last blogged. I wanted to but the words just seem to be choked back along with my tears. I’ve been feeling emotional these few days (No guise, it’s not PMS). It’s been a rough two weeks. I was sick for the first week, and I was struggling to do the song ‘Alone’ by Heart for my internals. As much as I really loved the song, I just felt that I could not do the song justice. I mean if I worry about the song for such a long time, it means something. So, even though I only had three days left, I decided to change the song. But a birdie told me that internals has been postponed for another week because of the clashes we had. *jumps for joy*
National Day is coming and I’ll be singing for my school’s show. I’m not exactly honoured or anything to perform for it because 1) It’s stressing me up and 2) I wasn’t the first choice they chose. It was supposed to be Marissa but she fell sick and had to stay home to recuperate, only to find out that her role was taken away from her by me. Do y’know how bad I felt? It’s not that I want it because honestly, I’m not ready. I’m not saying that like for attention, but genuinely I’m not ready for huge shows like this. I cannot take the stress of the previews, of having to talk on stage. I have a huge case of stage fright. I might not seem to be that kind of person who would have such low self-esteem of myself. But I’m not confident of what I can do. I don’t have faith in myself. No matter how much other people tell me that I can do that, but I know I’m not good enough and I’m never going to be good enough.
I admit, I haven’t been opening up to people lately. I’ve been so afraid of being let down/betrayed or worst, being left behind. I’ve been through countless talks with my batchies on our page and I’ve finally convinced myself that as much as the fact that some people hurts so badly, I know that they are going to pursue what they have always wanted to do. I should not be so selfish as to want to stop them, but I should instead wish them all the best in their endeavours. I mean, who am I to stop my friends from pursuing their dreams? It’s their dream, after all.
I have my dream too and if it means having to give up things/people I love, I will do so to achieve it. It’s not going to be easy for anyone but I’m sure no one wants to leave as well. Whatever it is, I won’t be in the way of what y’all want to do because the same way, I don’t want anyone to be in my way as well.