Days like this, I want to drive away.

Okay, I know it’s pathetic to run away when smth goes wrong. But it’s kinda a normal reaction cuz your body either takes flight or fight. Y’know there are just times when you just can’t be strong anymore to hold the fort you’re expected to hold. You just wanna run away from all the bad things that’s been happening and you just wished so hard that it’s just your mother who’s telling you everything is okay and you’re just having a bad nightmare and everything will go away soon. But it’s not.

I don’t know where to start. I don’t know how to put the feelings I’m feeling right now into words. I don’t know how to start. It’s like I’ve always been searching for that sentence to start but since it has never come, then I don’t start at all. I hate feeling this way. A whirl of emotions, that is.

Is this considered bullying? Or may be it’s my over reaction again? Y’know it does hurt so much to feel that you’re being left out from a group on purpose; that feeling of unwantedness, that feeling of not being good enough, that feeling of loneliness. I feel so guilty about what I have put other people through when I ostracised them before. I didn’t consider what they felt when I did that to them. It hurts. It fucking hurts. You’ll never understand it unless you’re facing it. Stop telling me not to think about it cuz it’s not as easy as you say it is. Talking is one thing while carrying it out is a totally different thing.

I’m not stupid. I know how to read signs when you’re left out in a group cuz I’m insecure like that. Don’t bloody patronise me or lie to me when you have no damn intention to include me in the first place. I really appreciate it even more if you just tell me to my face and I’ll get it. I’m not so thick skinned that if I’m not welcome, I’ll insist on getting a place there. I’m not like that. I won’t go where I’m not welcomed. Get this right.

P/S: I’m sorry for ranting here. I’m saying this in anger. You might feel insulted but just know I’m on such an emotional whirl now I just speak my mind. Just don’t judge me. Get lost if you don’t want to feel insulted. 

White lips. Pale faces.

Hello!

I realised that this page has been pretty dead since I lack the motivation to write about my day. Unlike some of my friends, I’ll only come here to rant, to update, to attempt to document my really boring life and perhaps one day as I look back at this, I’ll laugh at how childish I actually was before.

So, I’ve been really occupied with Makan Place; it’s crazy how most rehearsals are from Monday – Thursday but they’re all in the evening. But then Pei Ying will pop out with studio seshs with the musicians, or maybe dance seshs with Zaini or recording seshs with the sound engineer for the trailer and you have to come extra early to practise with our vocal instructor, Irene. I must say even though I kinda dislike her before cuz of her teaching style or how unproductive sessions with her always turn out to be initially, I actually learn things from her during my 1-1 seshs with her. She pushes me & injects bouts of encouragement to make us better singers. She always believe in us.

Anyway, despite my busy life, I still went to serve God for chapel seshs in my secondary school:) I cut this comment from one of my favourite people, Ian T’s blog. It kinda made my day:) Y’know it’s so weird how some people hate the chapel seshs during school days cuz you don’t believe in Christ or whatsoever reasons, but the one thing that you’ll really miss will be chapel + singspirations. It kinda bonds me with God. I mean, I am bonded to him no matter what. But the whole chapel sesh always leaves you with God’s presence in your life; it’s very good for your life. It leaves you with such peace in your heart all the time.

Today’s chapel was AWESOME led by a graduate team of students as well as GMSS’s very own Christian Ministry Staff. These are a bunch of multitalented people who are really really really awesome in what they do, I think it would be only right that you call them professionals. Because yes they are that good. BUT unfortunately for the case of my school, a time or worship is more like a performance put up by the worship team on stage. If the team is not too good up there then they will all just go to sleep if not study.

I had loads of fun preparing the sesh with Hung + Alvin + Varian, learning a new song during the whole process. I love how being in GM leaves me with such peace all the time. Y’know as I look at the bunch of juniors, I can’t help but wonder if there’s anyone who’s kinda like me; the noisy, enthusiastic, loud, boisterous girl. That pang of emotions hit you as you look back on the days you were wearing the same uniform, running around the same corridors, times when you chased after your teachers to help you with your work. It’s just times where people still forgive you for your mistakes, times where people still stopped by and say hello, times when you can step into the canteen and know almost everyone there.

It’s just so scary how much different the next phase of life can be – people become more fake/scary/tw0-faced/hypocritical, when you get judged for everything you do, you don’t know what to expect. I shall leave this subject for later this morning cuz I have a really long draft for this:/

I just wanna say that to my friends out there who’s been here for me, giving me encouragement throughout my life journey, I appreciate each and every one of you. It’s a long and hard journey, you don’t know where life might bring you but with friends, everything becomes more enjoyable. Life gets more interesting.

xo

I stand alone.

No, I don’t mean it in a bitchy way. I just feel that I always stand alone. I might know many people, but deep down, I don’t have (at least, I haven’t found) one person whom I’m really close to; that someone who really knows me inside out or that one person whom I can really confide to. I haven’t found them yet.

Throughout my life. In primary school. In secondary school. Even now.

I have made many friends; some of whom I was and am close to but it’s just not the same that what other people have. That BFF whom they hang out with ALL THE TIME or they link arms and go everywhere TOGETHER. BFFs whom stay over at each other’s houses. BFFs who look alike that people think they’re sisters; BFFs who are such familiar faces in each other’s place.

I really envy people who have such close relationships with each other; I wished I had such relationships with people but I think I really suck at my EQ.

Sucks to be me, x

Harry Potter

Since it’s my holidays, I started creating a list of all the movies I wanted to rewatch. So the first on the list was Harry Potter. *screams* I think this post is totally random but I must get this off my chest.

  • Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone
  • Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
  • Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
  • Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
  • Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
  • Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
  • Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

Since I was a little girl, I must say that I’ve caught every single Harry Potter movie that was shown in the cinemas. I might not have understood it when I watched it at first but now, when I watched all of them one after the other, I could understand the story better. I don’t think I’m one of the die-hard fans but I must say it is one of the movies that is closest to my heart.

There are three scenes in the movie, particularly, where I cried. The scene where Sirius Black, Harry’s godfather was killed by his cousin, Bellatrix Lestrange. And the other, where Professor Dumbledore drank all the ‘poisoned water’ to reveal the Horcrux. He was in great pain but he told Harry to continue feeding him with it. The last scene was when Professor Severus Snape used the Unforgivable Curse “Avada Kedavra” and killed Professor Albus Dumbledore.

When Harry found out that Sirius was his godfather, he had someone to turn to. Someone whom he could call his family. Before Harry left Sirius’ house, Sirius had said to him, “After all these is over, we can be a proper family.” Sirius has always appeared at the right time to rescue Harry but what was most heartbreaking was that Harry had to see him die right before his very eyes.

Professor Dumbledore has been like a father figure to Harry, throughout the novels. He’s always there to provide him with help and it’s just that great sense of loss I felt when Harry had to see him die as well. Something in me just tore apart. I felt that Dumbledore is too great a figure to die, just like that.

Anyway, I still have to catch Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows! So I’m off for now.

xo

Visuals.

Been really caught up with different things in life. Shall let the pictures do the talking:’)

RP NDOC 2012

My first performance in RP

Band practice for Wavehouse

Presenting you, Class of AY 2012/13 Semester 1

Jerald & Nicholas

CJ and I

Minyi & I

Sufie & I

Haziq & I

The ladies

Cheryl & I

Treats from Sarah.

Our photographer at work.