Okay, I know it’s pathetic to run away when smth goes wrong. But it’s kinda a normal reaction cuz your body either takes flight or fight. Y’know there are just times when you just can’t be strong anymore to hold the fort you’re expected to hold. You just wanna run away from all the bad things that’s been happening and you just wished so hard that it’s just your mother who’s telling you everything is okay and you’re just having a bad nightmare and everything will go away soon. But it’s not.
I don’t know where to start. I don’t know how to put the feelings I’m feeling right now into words. I don’t know how to start. It’s like I’ve always been searching for that sentence to start but since it has never come, then I don’t start at all. I hate feeling this way. A whirl of emotions, that is.
Is this considered bullying? Or may be it’s my over reaction again? Y’know it does hurt so much to feel that you’re being left out from a group on purpose; that feeling of unwantedness, that feeling of not being good enough, that feeling of loneliness. I feel so guilty about what I have put other people through when I ostracised them before. I didn’t consider what they felt when I did that to them. It hurts. It fucking hurts. You’ll never understand it unless you’re facing it. Stop telling me not to think about it cuz it’s not as easy as you say it is. Talking is one thing while carrying it out is a totally different thing.
I’m not stupid. I know how to read signs when you’re left out in a group cuz I’m insecure like that. Don’t bloody patronise me or lie to me when you have no damn intention to include me in the first place. I really appreciate it even more if you just tell me to my face and I’ll get it. I’m not so thick skinned that if I’m not welcome, I’ll insist on getting a place there. I’m not like that. I won’t go where I’m not welcomed. Get this right.
P/S: I’m sorry for ranting here. I’m saying this in anger. You might feel insulted but just know I’m on such an emotional whirl now I just speak my mind. Just don’t judge me. Get lost if you don’t want to feel insulted.