I see my cute little self.
I agree with this. Fully.
Clearly you don’t know the shades of gray that humanities answers have. Clearly you don’t know the amount of thinking involved. Clearly you don’t know the intricacies and beauty in the arts subject. Clearly you don’t appreciate the arts. You just see things in black and white. You’re just studying it for the sake of excelling in it. Just because you’re so great in science and maths, doesn’t mean you can make a mockery out of the field I love best.
Today’s been a busy day. Was so tired yesterday that immediately after watching The X Factor, I went to sleep. I had to wake up early for dance with Zaini for Makanplace at 10AM. I met Renu at CWP Macs at 930am and upon finishing b’fast, we headed to school with Hafiz.
Dance was slightly better than usual cuz it was the opening but since I’m doing the guy part which I’m still unsure of, Zaini asked me to internalise it which I plan to do before the next rehearsal on Monday. One thing he said during rehearsal really impacted me. We were asked to do the opening dance alone (less people we can follow) and it was kinda awkward cuz I had to interact with random people. Then he asked me, ‘Faith, can I ask you a personal question?’ And I mean I can’t say no, so I nodded. ‘What do you see yourself doing in ten years?’ I didn’t want to answer. I was scared everyone would judge me. ‘Do you see yourself performing?’ And it was the very thing that I literally live for. I nodded. ‘Do you like performing? Do you want to do it?’ And of course there was only one answer, I said yes. ‘Faith you have a great voice. You have one of the greatest voice that I have ever heard. But there’s smth you’re holding back, smth inside you. I don’t see you enjoying the dance, you seem so caught up with the steps. You can go very far.’ Smth along that line. I was like ‘Wow I didn’t know that’s what he thought of me’ I mean I always thought I was a nobody in his eyes. Like just some other person who can sing. But not to that extent.
I’m not going to be going all almighty or haughty because it will change me as a person. It will make me proud and really not humble. I must remember that no matter how famous I become, I must always remember my roots and who helped me throughout this journey. I mean I must always thank the people who’s make me, me. I don’t want to see myself as famous but unlikable. Like a superstar that everyone who’s backstage hates. I want to be someone that everyone inspires to be.
Also, I think one thing I learn throughout the years is to learn to take criticism and learn from there. It’s important to hear what others think of you and not be delusional about who you think you are. If many people say that you have a certain flaw you might consider to take out when you perform, you should work on it. But not go all defensive and give reasons for everything you do. No matter how good you are, there is always going to be someone better. It’s great to have confidence but NEVER be over-confident.
One last thing I learnt from Atiqah today. Don’t change yourself or don’t try too hard to fit in. If you don’t fit in somewhere, it means you’re different. It might not be necessarily a bad difference but that you’re special to stand alone. Why be a follower when you can be a leader? That I shouldn’t get too affected that people don’t want me with them. Also I shouldn’t worry if people hates me or not. As long as I don’t do bad things or that I’m overly proud and things along that line. It’s normal to have people who hate you cuz if you’re popular and no one hates you, it’s kinda weird. And if people hate you, it means that there’s smth about you that people envy.
Wanna kill yourself? Imagine this. You come home from school one day. You’ve had yet another horrible day. You’re just ready to give up. So you go to your room, close the door, and take out that suicide note you’ve written and rewritten over and over and over You take out those razor blades, and cut for the very last time. You grab that bottle of pills and take them all. Laying down, holding the letter to your chest, you close your eyes for the very last time. A few hours later, your little brother knocks on your door to come tell you dinner’s ready. You don’t answer, so he walks in. All he sees is you laying on your bed, so he thinks you’re asleep. He tells your mom this. Your mom goes to your room to wake you up. She notices something is odd. She grabs the paper in your hand and reads it. Sobbing, she tries to wake you up. She’s screaming your name. Your brother, so confused, runs to go tell Dad that “Mommy is crying and sissy won’t wake up.” Your dad runs to your room. He looks at your mom, crying, holding the letter to her chest, sitting next to your lifeless body. It hits him, what’s going on, and he screams. He screams and throws something at the wall. And then, falling to his knees, he starts to cry. Your mom crawls over to him, and they sit there, holding each other, crying.
The next day at school, there’s an announcement. The principal tells everyone about your suicide. It takes a few seconds for it to sink in, and once it does, everyone goes silent. Everyone blames themselves. Your teachers think they were too hard on you. Those mean popular girls, they think of all the things they’ve said to you. That boy that used to tease you and call you names, he can’t help but hate himself for never telling you how beautiful you really are. Your ex boyfriend, the one that you told everything to, that broke up with you.. He can’t handle it. He breaks down and starts crying, and runs out of the school. Your friends? They’re sobbing too, wondering how they could never see that anything was wrong, wishing they could have helped you before it was too late. And your best friend? She’s in shock. She can’t believe it. She knew what you were going through, but she never thought it would get that bad… Bad enough for you to end it. She can’t cry, she can’t feel anything. She stands up, walks out of the classroom, and just sinks to the floor. Shaking, screaming, but no tears coming out.
It’s a few days later, at your funeral. The whole town came. Everyone knew you, that girl with the bright smile and bubbly personality. The one that was always there for them, the shoulder to cry on. Lots of people talk about all the good memories they had with you, there were a lot. Everyone’s crying, your little brother still doesn’t know you killed yourself, he’s too young. Your parents just said you died. It hurts him, a lot. You were his big sister, you were supposed to always be there for him. Your best friend, she stays strong through the entire service, but as soon as they start lowering your casket into the ground, she just loses it. She cries and cries and doesn’t stop for days.
It’s two years later. The whole school talks to a counselor/therapist at least once a week. Your teachers all quit their job. Those mean girls have eating disorders now. That boy that used to tease you cuts himself. Your ex boyfriend doesn’t know how to love anymore and just sleeps around with girls. Your friends all go into depression. Your best friend? She tried to kill herself. She didn’t succeed like you did, but she tried…your brother? He finally found out the truth about your death. He self harms, he cries at night, he does exactly what you did for years leading up to your suicide. Your parents? Their marriage fell apart. Your dad became a workaholic to distract himself from your death. Your mom got diagnosed with depression and just lays in bed all day.
People care. You may not think so, but they do. Your choices don’t just effect you. They effect everyone. Don’t end your life, you have so much to live for. Things can’t get better if you give up. I’m here for absolutely anyone that needs to talk, no matter who you are. Even if we’ve NEVER talked before, I’m here for you. ♥