Scared.

Y’know how afraid I am of facing the same things over and over again?? I’m scared of losing friends. I’m scared of so many things that I just wished it would all go away. I wished I could just run away, never have to think about the things that I am running away from??  I am so scared and all the time I just want to cry when I face them but deep down I have to keep telling myself to be strong. I have faced so many setbacks, I am shaken so badly but no, I put on a brave front in front of everyone else. All the things that happened made me the person I am today.

On the outside, I appear as a jovial cheerful bitchy lil girl (things you’ll find in a usual teenage life) who can take everything in her stride but no, I’m not just like that. Friday’s incident just proved it. I’m just trying as hard as I might to literally forgive and forget, but it’s not easy. It really made me appreciate the people who has been there for me during that rough time. As much as I don’t want to think about it anymore, it just keeps coming back. It haunts me. It makes me question myself even more than I already drill myself with. I’m the kind of person who treasures relationships with people who really matter to me. I don’t know what to think when your own friends think it’s funny to laugh at my funeral. Is that going to be the scenario? That people laughing at my loss?? I want to believe that it’s my friends who are just joking. I want to. I don’t know how life is going to be like the next ten weeks? Do you know how I look at it?? That my friends hate me so much, they just can’t be happier that I’m dead. Do you know how much it breaks me inside? I know I keep smiling and pretending to be ok, but I am not. I am not. I have never felt more alone in the world at that point in time than anything else. It’s not fair to think like that, especially when they have apologized but I cannot forget. It hurts.

What were you doing at that point in time when I needed my supposed friends?? Where were you?? Did you give a heck? Did you shrug it off? Did you really care about how I felt?? Was your thought ‘Ah faith is just being her usual dramatic self, exaggerating things? It’s ok, she’ll be fine.’ ? Do you know how low I felt at that point in time? I thought I was never going to be able to bounce back up again? I know I seem jolly, it’s just a facade. Do you think every laugh I laughed was truly funny? Do you think I was happy?? How many nights I cried myself to sleep ever since? Y’know what scares me the most. Even people whom I have only acquainted seem to care even more than my friends did. How many text messages that came in from people who barely knew me?? I’m sorry to say but I am disappointed in having friends like you.

Do y’know how hard it is trying to be me? Do you know all the insecurities that I have? Do you have the expectations that you have to meet – from your own self and from others? Do you know how much I hate myself when I can’t meet my own expectations? Do you know how much I resent myself for wanting to do a certain action which is not approved? Do you know the conflicts I’m facing in my own head? Do you know what it is like to be me?? It’s not fair to say all these but I’m not having it easy either. I might not have the toughest life but I’m only human.

I hate having to put up a strong front when all I want to do is to cry. I know I seem tough, I’m not. I can take nonsense, I can take what life throws me but there’s always a limit to how much someone can take, isn’t it? I just can’t hold on to it anymore.

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