It started with a whisper.

People who know me will know how I always blog/tweet when I rage. No matter how many times people always tell you that you shouldn’t say things when you’re angry because you’ll end up finding that you don’t mean what you say and the damage is already done? Strangely enough, when the night falls, I do look back at the things I say and wonder if it was even necessary. However, most of the time, I don’t regret anything that I have said.

For me, I have always believed that the things people say when they are angry are the things they truly mean but they just keep it all inside. It’s when they are angry that they have the courage to say those things they’ve been keeping for the longest time. People find that I overreact, I get angry over the littlest things, I behave like a spoilt brat, I’m a troublemaker (I admit that at times I do slip into that part of my character) but most of the time, I’m just being truthful and I’m sorry but the truth hurts.

***

I like to think that I am genuine to people with my comments/words. Yea sure if it means I have to come across as a bitch; just suck it up, people. I have come to the point where I no longer want to please society who says I have to do this or I have to do that because no matter what I do, someone will always have something to say. If I tell the truth, I’m a bitch. If I don’t, I’m a hypocrite. I’m definitely want to be the bitch. (Thank you very much!) I’m not sorry that I am straightforward and if I don’t like you, I’ll just blatantly show you with my actions. It’s as simple as that.

I don’t give you a chance after you do something wrong to hurt me. I can’t help but think that since you’ve done it once, you’re going to be capable of doing it again. Am I going to be so dumb as to let you hurt me again? No, I don’t think so. It just sucks that people I thought are my friends don’t understand me enough to misunderstand my actions and my words.

***

I don’t understand why people still treat me like a fool. I admit it, I was an utter bitch (And I’m not even speaking truth) in the past. I made use of people, I say mean things all the time and I was a hypocrite. I don’t know how people used to take it but I’m pretty sure most of them couldn’t wait to get rid of me from their lives. I literally stole a diary from 2 girls who were best friends, read + photocopied it and spread it to the whole class. Afterwhich, I burnt that diary. Yea judge all you want but I’m no longer as childish as that. I apologized and I meant it and now, we’re still friends.

If you don’t know me, then don’t judge me at the first impression. Don’t insult me and then apologize afterwards. It won’t work for me. Don’t come to me saying that you didn’t mean it because sure as hell, I take it to heart. I hate people like you who don’t have basic respect for others. People whom you haven’t even gotten to know.

I get it. People are judgemental (I judge people too) but you don’t go around telling other people about your impressions of me and when you’re told to stop, you went on. Don’t insult what I say then you start using what I say at the very next second. That’s what I call being a hypocrite.

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To my ‘friends’ out there, if you’re unhappy with me, just tell me in my face/text/call (I won’t take it to heart. It’s called constructive criticism). Don’t talk amongst yourselves and leave me hanging there. Do y’know how much it hurts to find out that you guys have another Whatsapp group without me in it? Or finding out that you have a gift exchange amongst yourselves (without me). The holy fuck, I’m not stupid. I read the signs fast. Just tell me if you wanna be friends with me instead of letting me find out so cruelly. You guys owe me that much.

I don’t think it’s fair to me. Being treated this way. I don’t even know what I have done wrong to deserved being ostracized just like that. Fuck you. Like really fuck you people for succeeding in making me feel this way. Farah always ask me why do I still go on being nice to y’all after what you’ve done to me and I thought you guys were different. Guess not.

xo

Aspirations.

Always felt like I have the urge to blog then losing it over and over again. I have so many drafts; I feel like I have so many things to say but I don’t know where to start. I don’t want to blog just because I just want to fill the space up, but I want to blog meaningful posts during milestones in my life. Or when I have thoughts in my head that I want it to be heard but no one will listen to them.

I used to care what people think about me. Like a lot. I mean, I still do. That will be a part of me that will be hard to fully get rid of. I always used to do things because it will mean that I will please/fit in with friends or maybe what I call ‘friends’. I used to be insecure about myself (I probably still am) but it’s definitely a lot lesser. I learnt to love myself more, to do things because I want to but not because someone else wants me to. That shouldn’t have been the way I led my life. It’s my life after all. Not anyone else’s.

It’s not just about superficial insecurity. Like being afraid of dressing the way you are. I mean, that will definitely be sticking around for a long long time. I don’t exactly have the perfect figure – I probably am leaning to the slightly overweight side. I don’t have the nicest feature – my hair is probably the worst created. It’s not about wearing the most fashionable clothes or having the best make up, because after all, it’s only superficial. What I am referring to is about being insecure about who you are inside. I know everyone has those issues. I’m pretty sure everyone faces them but I don’t want to be insecure about how I am inside. I know what I am made of, I know who I want to be and that should be the most important thing. I should not be influenced by people who says that ‘Maybe you should do this’ or ‘Maybe you should do that’. I feel that the things I am doing because I want to do it. I’m already a grown up. The things that I am doing should be because I want to, not because someone forced me to.

I was just watching Glee and wondering who I am similar to in there. Not just about the talent or the things I can do, but the character inside of them and inside of me. It is not lame that I am using that to compare myself and my life because I am somehow still confused about whom I want to be. I know I want to be a singer, a performer but so many times I have been stopped and was told that I am not good enough. I have always thought that I would be like Rachel Berry. People always always tell me that I am so similar to her as well. But it’s not just about how she behaves – how annoying she used to be, how pushy or stuck up she seems to be. I feel like both of us have like the same (I just cannot emphasise how much!) character, but I am not as extreme as her. But I literally aspire to be as extreme as her. It’s just how she is so motivated ALL the time despite her setbacks. She has always known what she wants to do and she works towards it no matter what it takes. Whenever she sings, I get the shivers. She has the soul, the passion. Everything that a singer would want.

“You have a nice voice.” 
“I wished I could sing like you.”
People always tell me things like that. But I don’t believe it. I don’t find myself being extremely happy about it because I doubt myself. I doubt what I can do. Y’know it didn’t start from young? I wasn’t born to be a singer. I couldn’t sing before. To be honest, I didn’t used to be able to hit notes or pitch perfectly. I couldn’t even make it into choir in primary school. Anyone who knew me then always wanted to throw sticks and stones (they still do now, but for a totally different reason) because I just sucked at it so bad. But God is great. It’s just a miracle how I started getting better and found different sides to my voice and now here I am. It’s not exactly great; every single minute I aspire to be someone even better but it’s not easy.

But I still don’t find that I have the voice that will stick out (in a good way) or that it’s special on its very own. There’s so many things that I lack but I know I want to do this. I love the stage. I love that the fact that I have people who will be doing things for me, like I am treated like a princess. I love that I am in the light of all the attention, the care. I love that single spotlight on me when I sing, when everyone’s attention is on no one, but me. Yes, it can be scary when you think about it but I love leaving the stage, feeling like I have it all.

It’s just so difficult for me because I know I am not pretty enough or I am not as strong a vocalist as so many other people out there. It’s just so amazing how some people are just so good and you’re left there, wondering how sad your life is. It’s a hard world and I don’t know where to start being better than anyone there.

But I know who I want to be. I won’t let anyone say I can’t do otherwise.

x

Go fuck yourselves.

I find this fucking absurd. Absurd to the point when I feel like giving up on speaking to idiots.

I get so pissed off when I am trying to learn, trying to understand the lesson for the day and no one in the fucking world wants to teach me. I am expected to upload whatever I copied and when I asked for help and no one fucking wants to help me?! I am not even asking for help in doing something stupid but I am learning lesson proper. I AM TRYING TO FUCKING LEARN AND NO ONE WANTS TO LEND ME A FUCKING HELPING HAND?! If I don’t ask

Oh sure, I know why. It doesn’t involve your grades. It’s my grades. I will remember it.

Trust me, when I say I will remember it. I will.