Just a quick post to fill my thoughts since I don’t think anyone is willing to listen to them. Been crying too much and I think it’s time to stop. Up front I pretend that I’m all okay when deep down, I care too much about all these things and I hurt so bad. I get too frustrated and I don’t know what to do. Nothing seems to be working and even tho everyone says it’s me being sensitive; it’s precisely cuz I’m sensitive to such things I still feel that people haven’t fully forgiven me, people haven’t welcomed me back to be with them. I won’t go to a place that I feel unwelcomed. It’s so awkward and they might be giving each other ‘the looks’ or just simply counting down to the time when you disappear then everyone can finally breathe again.
Sometimes I don’t know if being direct is coolz. ‘Being direct is okay. But being too direct is not. Sometimes you need to learn to add some subtlety to the things you say.’ Something that Ryan told me made me think about it again. I feel that being direct in telling you that I don’t like you is way less cruel than pretending I like you and having you find out afterwards.
It takes so long to build up relationship/trust but it only requires one mistake to break it all. I hate feeling that disappointment that people have in me; that feeling of relationships being torn apart. It’s just so sad how people don’t give you another chance when you make a mistake and that relationship is lost forever.
All I can say is that I’ve tried to mend the relationships which have broken because of the mistakes that I might have made. I’ve made the effort but if it’s the choice of the other party, then I’ll respect it and move on.
I’m stronger than this.