Uninteresting Caption I

I think one thing that really gets to me from blogging would be the pain of having to come up with amazing captions that draw people. I honestly don’t know how some people can come up with interesting captions with a snap of my finger. On another note, the last post was filled with so much anger & rants that I wrote at 2AM in the morning (which I still think it’s justified) except for the fact no one prolly can read it since I locked with a password I don’t know myself.

So… I’ve been busy with rehearsals for President’s Star Charity 2013 but honestly I don’t feel like I’ve been doing much, considering that the item we’re doing is really against my principle (as in, not the song itself) but I think it’s inappropriate to talk about it here (these are things I can only keep to myself sigh) but I really hate hate hate what I’m being forced to do. I don’t feel as motivated for this show but I will still put in my best. In any case, I still had fun – meeting up with one of my fav group of people. Really missed the times we spent tgt every single day for fitting, for rehearsals, for vocal training, for dance, for radio interview, for press conferences. I missed the boot camp but when I finally find the time, I might compile them into a blog entry.

IMG_1995Our very first rehearsal for the show | Credits to Rozz for the photo 🙂

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My messy hair & the gang with our amazing vocal coach (whom I also found out to be a really amazing photographer), Hazrul

IMG_2150Taken during rehearsals on set this afternoon | Credits to Ashley for the amazing angle 🙂

Realized my blog has been too much words & too little photos (hahaha) and I’ve finally found the time to compile those photos from the phone so yes, look out for more photos that were long overdued. I’ve also a post set aside for the gig I did at Ocean Financial Centre which will also be on my other blog – http://faithjiaen.blogspot.sg – which I started when I was in The Final 1. My ladies from Replug did the banners for those & they’re so preetz, which was why I couldn’t bear to close the blog down even tho I was out of the competition.

And I was told I’m Replug’s REFLECTIONS show’s SM (which stands for stage manager) which is a pretty huge role, considering the amount of pressure I actually face right now. I’m literally cramming my head & crossing my fingers I won’t ruin the show. Just completed the bump in & in the midst of sorting my stage cues… Full dress rehearsals for PSC tmr – which means I get all dolled up – which means I should head to bed soon. School’s starting but that’s for another day.

That’s all I have for now but if you find yourself missing me, check out my Facebook page (http://facebook.com/faithjiaen), my Twitter (http://twitter.com/faithjiaen), my Instagram (http://instagram.com/faithjiaen) or drop me some interesting questions on my Ask.fm (http://ask.fm/faithjiaen) I hope I have time to update those sites as well 😉 Ciao! xx

Thoughts, thoughts (4th Oct)

I honestly think the night’s the best time to think about things but it doesn’t help I’ve got to sleep or else I’ll get grumpy for the rest of the next day. I wished I didn’t need to sleep (that way I’ll have a full 24 hours to do everything I wanna do & I’ll have time for everything & everyone) but yea I can only wish.

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Headed down to Mediacorp last night to take our measurement for President’s Star Charity & I had dinner with Jean afterwards. We got talking & that made me realized I never really had one-on-one time with her & it was pretty good – therapeutic actually. We caught up with pretty much many things & the plans we have for the future. We can honestly only pray for God to guide the way, to open more doors & to really lead us to where He’s planned our lives. I really do enjoy spending quality time to get to know people – and what they actually think about on the inside. I love exchanging thoughts with another & it makes me think a lot. I tend to ponder over what other people say to me – which can be a good or bad thing – and work on how I can improve myself all the time.

And after last night, I realized I’ve been quite sad recently & maybe keeping my schedule busy will help me keep my mind off things. The problem is I think too much & I expect too much. Sometimes it’s not really a problem but at times, the things you think about don’t really help you feel any better.

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For a moment in my life, I felt quite lost with what I really want to do – with my life, with singing, with the arts, with my education. I don’t know what I want to do but all I know is that I just want to finish my diploma & not do a degree immediately after. I want to explore what I can do with my life & what I’m actually good at. This is probably the first time I’m not going according to society’s standards & it’s definitely a risk but I think it’s worth a try for smth you love. I prayed for God to open more doors for me (as He’s been doing & I’m ever so grateful). I don’t expect much from the gigs I’ve been doing but more things have been coming. It’s really amazing what God does. Really really amazing.

And… I’ve come to realize that if a relationship (be it BGR, or kinship or friendship) is not based on trust, nth ever works out. I hate it when friends (especially close friends) lie to me & I find it extremely hard for me to ever trust them again.  I mean you can always trust me. There isn’t any reason to lie (except if you want to prepare a surprise) but I don’t want to ever be left in the dark in anything else. I hate feeling like close friends are keeping things from me because you make me feel like you can’t trust me enough to tell me anything. I feel hurt & upset. Call me dramatic, but that’s just how I work. I don’t know how to stop feeling this way. I probably am a clingy friend but that’s just because I care.

If you know me pretty well, I’m a person where if you ever betray me/ lie to me, we can forget about ever being friends again. I mean if you can do it once, I can’t be sure you won’t do it again. We can probably become acquaintance but never anything more. I don’t want to be insecure around people I’m supposed to trust. If you ever do anything to hurt me, we’ll probably never be friends again.

‘Trust takes years to build, but seconds to destroy’

Love, Me

Crafted a blog post about what I wanted for & what I thought about my 18th a few days back & I might have probably accidentally deleted the post. Which kinda frustrates me because I can’t replicate what I wrote exactly on that day itself 😦

I think a lot about things & I question why I write/ blog & why I find it such a pity that I don’t have the luxury to blog everyday about the little things in my life. I pen down my thoughts because it helps me capture the feelings & memories of what I felt/ did & it helps me to remember them. As time passes, I’ll be able to look back & laugh at what I actually wrote (it happened when I was recently reading my blog posts that I’ve written in sec 2 & omg I can’t believe the ‘drama’ that we faced in secondary school) but it also makes me miss & think about what made me happy or sad in the good old days. I don’t know if I would do anything to go back to those days but it was a good time in my life – and it also made me a part of who I am as a person.

And… I wished I had time in my hands. Or that I never felt sleepy so that I don’t waste a single precious moment in my alrd short life. There are so many things I would like to do in a day but yet I don’t have enough time to complete them because of my schedule & my (extremely bad) habit of procrastination.

I’m turning 18 this month & I should be jumping for joy. In all honesty, I’ve always wanted to be that girl who were extremely skinny & gorgeous (by society’s standards), who was the life of the party & whom everyone wanted to be friends with. That girl where everyone wants to be part of her life (indefinitely her 18th) but no, I don’t think anyone would specially take the time off to celebrate my birthday. I’m just your ordinary, one-in-a-million girl who’s turning 18. It used to matter a lot when I didn’t look skinny (I was quite plump & even up till now, I still am) & no matter how hard I tried to fit in, I just couldn’t. I mean it still matters but I find that it’s no longer as important. I no longer want to care whether I’m being judged by society’s standards. I’m tired of being who everyone wants me to be but not who I want to be. It’s tiring – keeping up with so many masks – and being someone you’re not comfortable to be.

So… For my 18th, I really want to kick the habit of procrastinating (it always makes me late) & I want to promise that I’ll always stay true to my beliefs & principles, no matter what other people say. I think that’s really important. I see people change & it scares me. I don’t want to be like them.

Many people have asked me what I was doing for my 18th but I don’t think I’m doing anything. I honestly would love a party but I’m never one who likes to invite my many circles of friends to one party & not be able to spend quality time with any one of them since I’ve to play host. It makes me feel awkward whenever I attend parties with friends & I don’t know most of the people there. I enjoy having a simple meal & spending quality time. I love surprise birthday parties even tho half the time I know what was gonna happen when y’all do things out of the extraordinary. But it makes me happy to think/ feel that I’m actually worth all the effort in the planning & execution of the surprise. I love handwritten notes & pictures which I keep in a box & I reread them over & over again. I love many things & if you love/ know me enough, you’ll probably know what I want.

I’m not expecting anything since I’ve been pushing people away from my life. But that’s another post for another day. All I can say is that I think too much for my own good & sometimes I wish I wasn’t like that. I feel sad too often but people feel like I’m just being dramatic. Tired of explaining why & no matter what I say, no one will understand. It’s fine if you’re able to put your emotions into words. The hardest part is when you can’t. It’s frustrating when you have so much emotions inside you and you have so many thoughts whirling in your head but yet you can’t get it out.