Love, Me

Crafted a blog post about what I wanted for & what I thought about my 18th a few days back & I might have probably accidentally deleted the post. Which kinda frustrates me because I can’t replicate what I wrote exactly on that day itself 😦

I think a lot about things & I question why I write/ blog & why I find it such a pity that I don’t have the luxury to blog everyday about the little things in my life. I pen down my thoughts because it helps me capture the feelings & memories of what I felt/ did & it helps me to remember them. As time passes, I’ll be able to look back & laugh at what I actually wrote (it happened when I was recently reading my blog posts that I’ve written in sec 2 & omg I can’t believe the ‘drama’ that we faced in secondary school) but it also makes me miss & think about what made me happy or sad in the good old days. I don’t know if I would do anything to go back to those days but it was a good time in my life – and it also made me a part of who I am as a person.

And… I wished I had time in my hands. Or that I never felt sleepy so that I don’t waste a single precious moment in my alrd short life. There are so many things I would like to do in a day but yet I don’t have enough time to complete them because of my schedule & my (extremely bad) habit of procrastination.

I’m turning 18 this month & I should be jumping for joy. In all honesty, I’ve always wanted to be that girl who were extremely skinny & gorgeous (by society’s standards), who was the life of the party & whom everyone wanted to be friends with. That girl where everyone wants to be part of her life (indefinitely her 18th) but no, I don’t think anyone would specially take the time off to celebrate my birthday. I’m just your ordinary, one-in-a-million girl who’s turning 18. It used to matter a lot when I didn’t look skinny (I was quite plump & even up till now, I still am) & no matter how hard I tried to fit in, I just couldn’t. I mean it still matters but I find that it’s no longer as important. I no longer want to care whether I’m being judged by society’s standards. I’m tired of being who everyone wants me to be but not who I want to be. It’s tiring – keeping up with so many masks – and being someone you’re not comfortable to be.

So… For my 18th, I really want to kick the habit of procrastinating (it always makes me late) & I want to promise that I’ll always stay true to my beliefs & principles, no matter what other people say. I think that’s really important. I see people change & it scares me. I don’t want to be like them.

Many people have asked me what I was doing for my 18th but I don’t think I’m doing anything. I honestly would love a party but I’m never one who likes to invite my many circles of friends to one party & not be able to spend quality time with any one of them since I’ve to play host. It makes me feel awkward whenever I attend parties with friends & I don’t know most of the people there. I enjoy having a simple meal & spending quality time. I love surprise birthday parties even tho half the time I know what was gonna happen when y’all do things out of the extraordinary. But it makes me happy to think/ feel that I’m actually worth all the effort in the planning & execution of the surprise. I love handwritten notes & pictures which I keep in a box & I reread them over & over again. I love many things & if you love/ know me enough, you’ll probably know what I want.

I’m not expecting anything since I’ve been pushing people away from my life. But that’s another post for another day. All I can say is that I think too much for my own good & sometimes I wish I wasn’t like that. I feel sad too often but people feel like I’m just being dramatic. Tired of explaining why & no matter what I say, no one will understand. It’s fine if you’re able to put your emotions into words. The hardest part is when you can’t. It’s frustrating when you have so much emotions inside you and you have so many thoughts whirling in your head but yet you can’t get it out.

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