Thoughts, thoughts (4th Oct)

I honestly think the night’s the best time to think about things but it doesn’t help I’ve got to sleep or else I’ll get grumpy for the rest of the next day. I wished I didn’t need to sleep (that way I’ll have a full 24 hours to do everything I wanna do & I’ll have time for everything & everyone) but yea I can only wish.

***

Headed down to Mediacorp last night to take our measurement for President’s Star Charity & I had dinner with Jean afterwards. We got talking & that made me realized I never really had one-on-one time with her & it was pretty good – therapeutic actually. We caught up with pretty much many things & the plans we have for the future. We can honestly only pray for God to guide the way, to open more doors & to really lead us to where He’s planned our lives. I really do enjoy spending quality time to get to know people – and what they actually think about on the inside. I love exchanging thoughts with another & it makes me think a lot. I tend to ponder over what other people say to me – which can be a good or bad thing – and work on how I can improve myself all the time.

And after last night, I realized I’ve been quite sad recently & maybe keeping my schedule busy will help me keep my mind off things. The problem is I think too much & I expect too much. Sometimes it’s not really a problem but at times, the things you think about don’t really help you feel any better.

***

For a moment in my life, I felt quite lost with what I really want to do – with my life, with singing, with the arts, with my education. I don’t know what I want to do but all I know is that I just want to finish my diploma & not do a degree immediately after. I want to explore what I can do with my life & what I’m actually good at. This is probably the first time I’m not going according to society’s standards & it’s definitely a risk but I think it’s worth a try for smth you love. I prayed for God to open more doors for me (as He’s been doing & I’m ever so grateful). I don’t expect much from the gigs I’ve been doing but more things have been coming. It’s really amazing what God does. Really really amazing.

And… I’ve come to realize that if a relationship (be it BGR, or kinship or friendship) is not based on trust, nth ever works out. I hate it when friends (especially close friends) lie to me & I find it extremely hard for me to ever trust them again.  I mean you can always trust me. There isn’t any reason to lie (except if you want to prepare a surprise) but I don’t want to ever be left in the dark in anything else. I hate feeling like close friends are keeping things from me because you make me feel like you can’t trust me enough to tell me anything. I feel hurt & upset. Call me dramatic, but that’s just how I work. I don’t know how to stop feeling this way. I probably am a clingy friend but that’s just because I care.

If you know me pretty well, I’m a person where if you ever betray me/ lie to me, we can forget about ever being friends again. I mean if you can do it once, I can’t be sure you won’t do it again. We can probably become acquaintance but never anything more. I don’t want to be insecure around people I’m supposed to trust. If you ever do anything to hurt me, we’ll probably never be friends again.

‘Trust takes years to build, but seconds to destroy’

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