faithsmusings #2

i just realized that… i always start my blog post with reasons why i stop blogging so today’s reason is because i really dislike the fonts on my blog – i love the layout but i hate going to my blog to read what i wrote because of the fonts but there’s no way i could format it to what i wanted without having to pay for it. i did contemplate switching back to blogspot considering how they’ve transformed to being really clean and simple. however, it is going to be really time consuming and tedious to export everything from wordpress (and i’m honestly such a sucker for wanting to archive my stuff) sigh i really wished i could just sit down and edit blogskins (like how i used to in secondary school) without feeling the pressure of the deadlines that are piling up.

in a blink of an eye, i didn’t even realize that close to ten days has passed since i wrote anything here (and the previous post didn’t even count because it was a reblog too) i’m honestly really glad to be piled up with loads of things to do because it deters me from overthinking and feeling sad about where i am in my life. i would think i’m naturally not a very happy person because i’m really emotional and things get to me really easily and recently, people have been commenting on why i am not open to dating someone new when people have been asking me out… and also, the statement: “it’s just a ‘close-to-6-month-relationship-why-are-you-even-sad?'” seriously annoys me.

i just feel like it’s only a month (what?! it’s been a month?!) and to some extent, i’m still grieving (is that the right word?) and i just really don’t want to open myself up to anyone new or tell someone else about me (and start everything all over again) and have the same thing happened (because i don’t think i can survive the next one). i don’t know how long i’m going to take to get out of this, to be very honest – months? years, possibly? i still have a lot of (sad) thoughts most nights but i just don’t say them to anyone because i don’t want to be such a bother. i just need to learn how to grow up and grow out of this. i just want to take my time and recover at my own pace.

i’m such an emotional person (that i’m embarrassed) because i just give my all in everything and then i get shaken so easily when people leave and sometimes people make me feel guilty for feeling the way i do about things in life and that it’s wrong for feeling so strongly for people and things and that it’s my fault for who i am today.

so, as you see from the snippets of my thoughts, is it really wrong for me to just really want to focus on fixing myself and learn to depend on myself? because when people leave, you’re all you’ve got.

10 Signs You’re Pretty Comfortable With Who You Are

I can say I’m pretty comfortable with who I am. Pretty much.

Thought Catalog

The Mindy ProjectThe Mindy Project

1. I used to think I was pretty confident in myself because I wore basically varying ensembles of the same three things every day. In reality I lacked the self-confidence and bravery to experiment with fashion and colors and styles, and tried to play it off as self-awareness.  Being honestly comfy in your own skin seems to allow for taking chances and being bold with your fashion choices, because screw it right? You feel awesome and attractive so who cares what everyone else thinks?

2. You’ve gone from reconsidering the things you want to say to people and just…saying them and seeing what happens. You don’t go out of your way to offend people, but you’re past the point where you constantly cater to other people’s feelings and opinions because guess what, yours matter too. Plus you’re tired of pretending that you ever enjoyed watching How I…

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faithsmusings #1

so guys… something hit me this morning (no it’s nothing huge or whatever) but i just realized one of the reasons why i stopped writing – i never ever get past the damn title. i always get stumped at the title field after i click ‘new post’ and then i kill brain cells trying to think of a title but eventually i just give up altogether. ok so i decided to try this new title ‘faithsmusings’ so hopefully it’ll stay and motivate me to write a little more. was contemplating whether i wanted to stick with ‘a penny for my thoughts?’ then i’m like ‘who are you to kid? no one’s gna give you anything for writing lol’

…moving on…

i honestly don’t know what i’m doing on this page right now because c’mon, who reads my blog right? feels as if i’m always talking to myself when i blog (it’s like i would read my old posts then i’ll just go “i can’t believe i did that” *searches for rock to hide under*) but i guess people have been telling me to write out my feelings and my thoughts because it would help so hi.

so… if you are my close friend or if you follow me on my (private) social media, you would know that i was pretty much a wreck for the past 2 weeks. looking back, i’m actually (really) ashamed at some of the things i did throughout the past few weeks (i was such a joke to so many people) and honestly, i don’t know how these people tolerated me but hey if you’re reading this, i just wanted to say thank you. 🙂

people who haven’t spoken to me thinks that i’m feeling this way because of my recent break up but let me just clarify it once and for all: it was one of the reasons but not entirely. things have been pretty rough for the past 2 – 3 months at least and the break up was the final straw (now you’re wondering faith was attached meh blah blah you just go stalk ok).

i’m not gonna lie – the break up made me really sad and down but the first thing to do to recover would be realization. i don’t wanna divulge because this is something really personal and close to me but if there’s anything you should know, i’m coping. of course it’ll sting and of course like the boys say: ‘the first cut is the deepest’ – if so many people recovered from it, then why not me?

i’ve learnt many lessons from this phase of my life and some of them are really hard ones but i’m determined to leave this phase and close this chapter in my book… and for me, i’ve chosen to leave. plans are underway (can’t say i’m not afraid) but it’s time to be a big girl about this and move on. maybe you won’t understand it now but in time to come, you’ll put the pieces together. i’m just gonna apologize if i didn’t say bye – goodbyes are hard for me.

p/s:

if there’s anything you should take away from my posts, just remember these two things that i learnt and am living by:

1) be kind to everyone you meet and know. or even better, if you could have a kind word or a word of encouragement to one person a day, it’ll mean a lot to them. you just never know how much it might help them through the day, really.

2) see the good in people. at that moment, they might have done something to hurt you or spite you or say mean things about you, remember the good things they have done for you. it might really be difficult to do so when they make you feel the negative emotions that really made you sad or angry, just believe that they are good. it makes the world easier to live in.

much love,
faith