faithsmusings #2

i just realized that… i always start my blog post with reasons why i stop blogging so today’s reason is because i really dislike the fonts on my blog – i love the layout but i hate going to my blog to read what i wrote because of the fonts but there’s no way i could format it to what i wanted without having to pay for it. i did contemplate switching back to blogspot considering how they’ve transformed to being really clean and simple. however, it is going to be really time consuming and tedious to export everything from wordpress (and i’m honestly such a sucker for wanting to archive my stuff) sigh i really wished i could just sit down and edit blogskins (like how i used to in secondary school) without feeling the pressure of the deadlines that are piling up.

in a blink of an eye, i didn’t even realize that close to ten days has passed since i wrote anything here (and the previous post didn’t even count because it was a reblog too) i’m honestly really glad to be piled up with loads of things to do because it deters me from overthinking and feeling sad about where i am in my life. i would think i’m naturally not a very happy person because i’m really emotional and things get to me really easily and recently, people have been commenting on why i am not open to dating someone new when people have been asking me out… and also, the statement: “it’s just a ‘close-to-6-month-relationship-why-are-you-even-sad?'” seriously annoys me.

i just feel like it’s only a month (what?! it’s been a month?!) and to some extent, i’m still grieving (is that the right word?) and i just really don’t want to open myself up to anyone new or tell someone else about me (and start everything all over again) and have the same thing happened (because i don’t think i can survive the next one). i don’t know how long i’m going to take to get out of this, to be very honest – months? years, possibly? i still have a lot of (sad) thoughts most nights but i just don’t say them to anyone because i don’t want to be such a bother. i just need to learn how to grow up and grow out of this. i just want to take my time and recover at my own pace.

i’m such an emotional person (that i’m embarrassed) because i just give my all in everything and then i get shaken so easily when people leave and sometimes people make me feel guilty for feeling the way i do about things in life and that it’s wrong for feeling so strongly for people and things and that it’s my fault for who i am today.

so, as you see from the snippets of my thoughts, is it really wrong for me to just really want to focus on fixing myself and learn to depend on myself? because when people leave, you’re all you’ve got.

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