moving……

if there are still people who check this place out, this space has been faithful in documenting my (sometimes wise) thoughts for the past few years & though I’ve come on this platform a lot lesser than I used to, I looked back at the posts and laugh cus I can’t believe I said certain things whilst some posts made me question “what made me feel this way to have written this?”

I did my reflection on my Instagram so I shall ctrl + v what I said here:

2015 has really been one heck of a year & looking back, the year started out very differently with pretty different goals that I wanted to achieved. however, looking at where I am now – graduated with a diploma, started walking with my Daddy God again, turning 20, growing with a really special person (💛) and so many many more – I really thank God for all the amazing people whom He’s put in my life, the opportunities that He has blessed me with, and the never-ending grace & mercies He has shown in my life. 😊 I know I’ve grown to be a much different person as compared to who I was before. 2016 is going to be a year where I am placed in an extremely uncomfortable position but I know it’s a pruning process that will not be easy but with God’s strength & His love & with all the people around me, it’s gonna be a year to remember ✨ thank you for an amazing 2015 & here’s to the new year! 🦄 #TYJ #faiths2015

I’m starting a new season in my life, so I’m taking this opportunity to ‘reset’. I’m moving to another url (click here to follow me) and if you want to still check me out, I’m @ardourkisses on Instagram 🙂

with love, faith x

An Open Letter From Your Crazy Ex-Girlfriend

I should stop feeling the way I do about you.

Thought Catalog

To my ex:

People do crazy things when they are hurt, vulnerable, or hold onto false hope. I have this awful tendency to forgive and apologize for everything, but deep inside I am trying to hint at the fact that I am not okay– I want forgiveness and apologies too. I give way too many chances, which is why it hits me hard when those chances are thrown away. I miss the person I met– you are not him. You have transformed into the person I said goodbye to with a simple “I hate you”.

I cannot expect you to begin to comprehend how I feel as if I live in some sort of weird déjà vu at times. You never understood why I worried so much, but it’s because of days like today—days where all those things I shouldn’t worry about happen. I am starting to think that maybe…

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faithsmusings #2

i just realized that… i always start my blog post with reasons why i stop blogging so today’s reason is because i really dislike the fonts on my blog – i love the layout but i hate going to my blog to read what i wrote because of the fonts but there’s no way i could format it to what i wanted without having to pay for it. i did contemplate switching back to blogspot considering how they’ve transformed to being really clean and simple. however, it is going to be really time consuming and tedious to export everything from wordpress (and i’m honestly such a sucker for wanting to archive my stuff) sigh i really wished i could just sit down and edit blogskins (like how i used to in secondary school) without feeling the pressure of the deadlines that are piling up.

in a blink of an eye, i didn’t even realize that close to ten days has passed since i wrote anything here (and the previous post didn’t even count because it was a reblog too) i’m honestly really glad to be piled up with loads of things to do because it deters me from overthinking and feeling sad about where i am in my life. i would think i’m naturally not a very happy person because i’m really emotional and things get to me really easily and recently, people have been commenting on why i am not open to dating someone new when people have been asking me out… and also, the statement: “it’s just a ‘close-to-6-month-relationship-why-are-you-even-sad?'” seriously annoys me.

i just feel like it’s only a month (what?! it’s been a month?!) and to some extent, i’m still grieving (is that the right word?) and i just really don’t want to open myself up to anyone new or tell someone else about me (and start everything all over again) and have the same thing happened (because i don’t think i can survive the next one). i don’t know how long i’m going to take to get out of this, to be very honest – months? years, possibly? i still have a lot of (sad) thoughts most nights but i just don’t say them to anyone because i don’t want to be such a bother. i just need to learn how to grow up and grow out of this. i just want to take my time and recover at my own pace.

i’m such an emotional person (that i’m embarrassed) because i just give my all in everything and then i get shaken so easily when people leave and sometimes people make me feel guilty for feeling the way i do about things in life and that it’s wrong for feeling so strongly for people and things and that it’s my fault for who i am today.

so, as you see from the snippets of my thoughts, is it really wrong for me to just really want to focus on fixing myself and learn to depend on myself? because when people leave, you’re all you’ve got.

10 Signs You’re Pretty Comfortable With Who You Are

I can say I’m pretty comfortable with who I am. Pretty much.

Thought Catalog

The Mindy ProjectThe Mindy Project

1. I used to think I was pretty confident in myself because I wore basically varying ensembles of the same three things every day. In reality I lacked the self-confidence and bravery to experiment with fashion and colors and styles, and tried to play it off as self-awareness.  Being honestly comfy in your own skin seems to allow for taking chances and being bold with your fashion choices, because screw it right? You feel awesome and attractive so who cares what everyone else thinks?

2. You’ve gone from reconsidering the things you want to say to people and just…saying them and seeing what happens. You don’t go out of your way to offend people, but you’re past the point where you constantly cater to other people’s feelings and opinions because guess what, yours matter too. Plus you’re tired of pretending that you ever enjoyed watching How I…

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faithsmusings #1

so guys… something hit me this morning (no it’s nothing huge or whatever) but i just realized one of the reasons why i stopped writing – i never ever get past the damn title. i always get stumped at the title field after i click ‘new post’ and then i kill brain cells trying to think of a title but eventually i just give up altogether. ok so i decided to try this new title ‘faithsmusings’ so hopefully it’ll stay and motivate me to write a little more. was contemplating whether i wanted to stick with ‘a penny for my thoughts?’ then i’m like ‘who are you to kid? no one’s gna give you anything for writing lol’

…moving on…

i honestly don’t know what i’m doing on this page right now because c’mon, who reads my blog right? feels as if i’m always talking to myself when i blog (it’s like i would read my old posts then i’ll just go “i can’t believe i did that” *searches for rock to hide under*) but i guess people have been telling me to write out my feelings and my thoughts because it would help so hi.

so… if you are my close friend or if you follow me on my (private) social media, you would know that i was pretty much a wreck for the past 2 weeks. looking back, i’m actually (really) ashamed at some of the things i did throughout the past few weeks (i was such a joke to so many people) and honestly, i don’t know how these people tolerated me but hey if you’re reading this, i just wanted to say thank you. 🙂

people who haven’t spoken to me thinks that i’m feeling this way because of my recent break up but let me just clarify it once and for all: it was one of the reasons but not entirely. things have been pretty rough for the past 2 – 3 months at least and the break up was the final straw (now you’re wondering faith was attached meh blah blah you just go stalk ok).

i’m not gonna lie – the break up made me really sad and down but the first thing to do to recover would be realization. i don’t wanna divulge because this is something really personal and close to me but if there’s anything you should know, i’m coping. of course it’ll sting and of course like the boys say: ‘the first cut is the deepest’ – if so many people recovered from it, then why not me?

i’ve learnt many lessons from this phase of my life and some of them are really hard ones but i’m determined to leave this phase and close this chapter in my book… and for me, i’ve chosen to leave. plans are underway (can’t say i’m not afraid) but it’s time to be a big girl about this and move on. maybe you won’t understand it now but in time to come, you’ll put the pieces together. i’m just gonna apologize if i didn’t say bye – goodbyes are hard for me.

p/s:

if there’s anything you should take away from my posts, just remember these two things that i learnt and am living by:

1) be kind to everyone you meet and know. or even better, if you could have a kind word or a word of encouragement to one person a day, it’ll mean a lot to them. you just never know how much it might help them through the day, really.

2) see the good in people. at that moment, they might have done something to hurt you or spite you or say mean things about you, remember the good things they have done for you. it might really be difficult to do so when they make you feel the negative emotions that really made you sad or angry, just believe that they are good. it makes the world easier to live in.

much love,
faith

A Penny For My Thoughts? – 25/3/2015

I used to think I could write. I used to write every time I was on the way to school – there was always something to write about. The train rides were long and I didn’t look at my phone to edit photos or play games, I was just typing and typing away and before I know it, I was at my destination.

Now, I just feel like I lost my way with words. And that’s sad. I missed writing. These days, it feels as though I’m struggling to put my emotions into words. That scares me – how I can no longer express how I feel in the medium I was most comfortable in. Writing was something I enjoyed – I looked forward to sitting in front of the computer and just spending time just typing and typing about some topic that came to mind.

***

Well, to be honest, the only thing I’m thinking and feeling right now, is a sense of loss. I don’t want to admit it but that’s the truth. And the first thing to do to feel better would be to accept the truth. I think the only way for me to ever get out of this would be to pen it down and get everything out.

I’m missing someone I love very much. I still do and some part of me will always do. Someone that made me the happiest girl in the world. Someone who meant the world to me. (This list is much longer but I won’t put you through it)

But it kills me because I know I probably meant nothing to him. Maybe right now, you’re just laughing at me for being pathetic – for not getting on with life, for not being able to move on (unlike you), for choosing to look back at the happy moments in the past.

If you actually come across this, I love you. A part of me always will.

2015

Hey everyone!

I know I haven’t been updating this space for the longest of time and I really want to go back to writing. I really hope it won’t be months before I come back to space again looking at how fast the year flew by. I mean, looking back it’s quite crazy how I haven’t sat myself down to list out my resolutions for 2015 and it’s already Day 13 of the new year.

I’m looking at revamping my sites so please give me some time as I rework things out. One thing’s for sure, I promise to update more regularly (one of my resolutions would be to reflect and post it up within three days). Many exciting things is coming up for me and I can’t wait to share it with all of you.

Stay tune and watch this space.

Love,

Faith

The gift of waiting

Six years ago I met a boy. I had zero romantic interest in him, but we became the best of friends. We loved all the same things… soccer, live music, pizza + beer… the list could go on but these ones carry most of my memories of friendship with him.

We spent more afternoons at my favorite coffee shop in Jonesboro, Arkansas than I can remember between 2008-2010, sometimes talking and sometimes just sharing a table while I studied and he planned worship sets. We took as many trips to Memphis as we could to see our favorite bands play together. We talked sports and there was never anything more than a high five going on between us every time we left hanging out.

Then 2011 rolled around. He had a girlfriend at the time, and I remember beginning to think that I missed my best friend. Somewhere over those…

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Midnight Memories.

Hello readers,

Sorry I haven’t really updated this space as much as I would like to and just a heads up, this is probably the last post till after August (unless I can find any time in between to write about my life!). I was just wondering why I haven’t really updated this site and the reasons are 1) when I have time, that point of my life was probably really uneventful and there was nothing to talk about and 2) when my life becomes really eventful, I don’t really have time to update this space.

UPDATES!

As of now, I’m back in school taking 6 modules (I don’t know if I should be thankful because I don’t have FYP?) and no, I did not choose to kill myself by taking those 6 modules. Apparently, they were all compulsory for me to take if I want to graduate. And did I already mention that those 6 modules are also killer modules?! Sigh I can totally foresee my sleepless nights already *yay*

I’m also involved in this year’s planning of IGNITE! Music Festival and I’m so excited for everyone to be part of this! We are a student-driven music festival that only features LOCAL bands (The Sam Willows, 53A, Caracal and many more!) Do spare some time & check out our Facebook page, Twitter, Instagram & the Blog! I promise you, you won’t regret coming down this year! Oh oh oh it’s on the 15th & 16th August (keep the dates free!!!!)

I’m currently looking at moving to a different blog site so if you guys have any suggestions, please comment in the comment box below. As much as I really like WordPress, the features that I really want requires me to pay for them and I don’t think I’m gonna do that. I’m really open to any other new domains but I’m looking at being able to personalize my site without having to pay too much for it 🙂

***

I know what I’ve been posting has no relation to the title but this title means so much more to me than you know it. I treasure my memories with everyone that has been part of my short 18+ years of my life and I just feel that maybe I should stop caring so much. I mean, as much as I put my emotions into caring for the people who matter so much to me, they probably don’t feel the same way about me. They don’t actually care.

I’m tired of the ‘I miss you(s)’ and ‘Let’s meet soon’ but all these never ever happens. People say what they say but they don’t ever mean it. I’m tired of being the one who cares so much in the relationships I have with people. I truly am tired. If you realized, I don’t tell people things anymore. I try not to start conversations with you. I just stop talking altogether. I keep them all to myself (because in the end, the only person who is going to be there for you, is you). For your information, I’m not someone who trusts so easily and for me to have let you come into my life, it has been such a gamble (because if you guys leave, it’s as if a part of me is gone too). It probably sounds cheesy but that’s the only way I can put how I feel right now. I’m really tired.

Don’t test me anymore because maybe, just maybe, it’s really time for me to care a bit more about myself than about you. Maybe, I should just care about how I feel than how you feel. Maybe, I should stop trying to start a conversation when you don’t even try to keep up with me.

Maybe, I should just stop putting emotions to the things I do. Because, you don’t really care.

 

 

 

 

Post #5: Happy Things (1)

Nothing makes me happier than knowing that I’ve formed a closer bond with someone 🙂

I always feel very heartened when people tell me their closest & darkest secrets. It means they trust me.

Trust. It’s something you take so much time to build but requires only a snap of the fingers (or less) for it to be gone. It’s quite sad when y’know you lost the trust of someone & all you want to do is make up for it but y’know deep in your heart, nothing’s ever gonna be the same again. Can’t help but feel sad/ angry at myself when I caused the trust to be broken in a relationship. You might think that this might help me be a better person & forgive when people break my trust but it doesn’t happen. I get really pissed when people break my trust & I know that the relationship can no longer be saved. Not ever.

In any case, I love being a listening ear & being there for someone when they need it. I love being able to give advice & it’s even better when that person takes your advice. I love giving out hugs when someone has had a bad day — I know how it feels like to feel like crap all day & not have anyone there for them.

If you are reading this, and if you are EVER feeling like no one is there to listen, you know where to find me 🙂

x

6 Things Every Extrovert Secretly Has To Deal With

Every single time I have to deal with this. It’s like nobody understands

Thought Catalog

jurvetsonjurvetson

Over the past few years I’ve noticed a growing number of articles exclaiming, “How To Take Care of An Introvert” or “10 Things Everyone Should Understand About Introverts” and while I have no real problem with introverts and introversion, my issue is with the fact that people of the internet seem to have romanticized introversion in a way that turns any possible social impediments a person might have into desirable quirky traits. Not only this, but extroverts are suddenly the bad guys for not understanding introverts or mistreating introverts, etc, etc.

As a self-proclaimed extrovert, I’m pretty sick and tired of people assuming that introverts are the only people who have got it hard. Really, seriously? Are we really going to play this game? Now you look here, mister. Extroverts may not seem as delicate or may not seem as complex and diverse, but extroverts have a whole different…

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Post #4: 16 Habits of Highly Sensitive People.

Not all applies to me but it’s so so relevant.

Do you feel like you reflect on things more than everyone else? Do you find yourself worrying about how other people feel? Do you prefer quieter, less chaotic environments?

1. They feel more deeply. One of the hallmark characteristics of highly sensitive people is the ability to feel more deeply than their less-sensitive peers. “They like to process things on a deep level,” Ted Zeff, Ph.D., author of The Highly Sensitive Person’s Survival Guide and other books on highly sensitive people, tells HuffPost. “They’re very intuitive, and go very deep inside to try to figure things out.”

2. They’re more emotionally reactive. People who are highly sensitive will react more in a situation. For instance, they will have more empathy and feel more concern for a friend’s problems, according to Aron. They may also have more concern about how another person may be reacting in the face of a negative event.

3. They’re probably used to hearing, “Don’t take things so personally” and “Why are you so sensitive?” Depending on the culture, sensitivity can be perceived as an asset or a negative trait, Zeff explains. In some of his own research, Zeff says that highly sensitive men he interviewed from other countries — such as Thailand and India — were rarely or never teased, while highly sensitive men he interviewed from North America were frequently or always teased. “So a lot of it is very cultural — the same person who is told, ‘Oh, you’re too sensitive,’ in certain cultures, it’s considered an asset,” he says.

4. They prefer to exercise solo. 
empty gym
Highly sensitive people may tend to avoid team sports, where there’s a sense that everyone is watching their every move, Zeff says. In his research, the majority of highly sensitive people he interviewed preferred individual sports, like bicycling, running and hiking, to group sports. However, this is not a blanket rule — there are some highly sensitive people who may have had parents who provided an understanding and supportive environment that would make it easier for them to participate in group sports, Zeff says.

5. It takes longer for them to make decisions. Highly sensitive people are more aware of subtleties and details that could make decisions harder to make, Aron says. Even if there is no “right” or “wrong” decision — for example, it’s impossible to choose a “wrong” flavor of ice cream — highly sensitive people will still tend to take longer to choose because they are weighing every possible outcome. Aron’s advice for dealing with this: “Take as long to decide as the situation permits, and ask for more time if you need it and can take it,” she writes in a recent issue of her Comfort Zone newsletter. “During this time, try pretending for a minute, hour, day, or even week that you have made up your mind a certain way. How does that feel? Often, on the other side of a decision things look different, and this gives you a chance to imagine more vividly that you are already there.” One exception: Once a highly sensitive person has come to the conclusion of what is the right decision to make and what is the wrong decision to make in a certain situation, he or she will be quick to make that “right” decision again in the future.

6. And on that note, they are more upset if they make a “bad” or “wrong” decision. You know that uncomfortable feeling you get after you realize you’ve made a bad decision? For highly sensitive people, “that emotion is amplified because the emotional reactivity is higher,” Aron explains.

7. They’re extremely detail-oriented. 
details
Highly sensitive people are the first ones to notice the details in a room, the new shoes that you’re wearing, or a change in weather.

8. Not all highly sensitive people are introverts. In fact, about 30 percent of highly sensitive people are extroverts, according to Aron. She explains that many times, highly sensitive people who are also extroverts grew up in a close-knit community — whether it be a cul-de-sac, small town, or with a parent who worked as a minister or rabbi — and thus would interact with a lot of people.

9. They work well in team environments. Because highly sensitive people are such deep thinkers, they make valuable workers and members of teams, Aron says. However, they may be well-suited for positions in teams where they don’t have to make the final decision. For instance, if a highly sensitive person was part of a medical team, he or she would be valuable in analyzing the pros and cons of a patient having surgery, while someone else would ultimately make the decision about whether that patient would receive the surgery.

10. They’re more prone to anxiety or depression (but only if they’ve had a lot of past negative experiences). “If you’ve had a fair number of bad experiences, especially early in life, so you don’t feel safe in the world or you don’t feel secure at home or … at school, your nervous system is set to ‘anxious,'” Aron says. But that’s not to say that all highly sensitive people will go on to have anxiety — and in fact, having a supportive environment can go a long way to protecting against this. Parents of highly sensitive children, in particular, need to “realize these are really great kids, but they need to be handled in the right way,” Aron says. “You can’t over-protect them, but you can’t under-protect them, either. You have to titrate that just right when they’re young so they can feel confident and they can do fine.”

11. That annoying sound is probably significantly more annoying to a highly sensitive person. While it’s hard to say anyone is a fan of annoying noises, highly sensitive people are on a whole more, well, sensitive to chaos and noise. That’s because they tend to be more easily overwhelmed and overstimulated by too much activity, Aron says.

12. Violent movies are the worst.cover eyes at movies
Because highly sensitive people are so high in empathy and more easily overstimulated, movies with violence or horror themes may not be their cup of tea, Aron says.

13. They cry more easily. That’s why it’s important for highly sensitive people to put themselves in situations where they won’t be made to feel embarrassed or “wrong” for crying easily, Zeff says. If their friends and family realize that that’s just how they are — that they cry easily — and support that form of expression, then “crying easily” will not be seen as something shameful.

14. They have above-average manners. Highly sensitive people are also highly conscientious people, Aron says. Because of this, they’re more likely to be considerate and exhibit good manners — and are also more likely to notice when someone elseisn’t being conscientious. For instance, highly sensitive people may be more aware of where their cart is at the grocery store — not because they’re afraid someone will steal something out of it, but because they don’t want to be rude and have their cart blocking another person’s way.

15. The effects of criticism are especially amplified in highly sensitive people. Highly sensitive people have reactions to criticism that are more intense than less sensitive people. As a result, they may employ certain tactics to avoid said criticism, including people-pleasing (so that there is no longer anything to criticize), criticizing themselves first, and avoiding the source of the criticism altogether, according to Aron.

“People can say something negative, [and] a non-HSP [highly sensitive person] can say, ‘Whatever,’ and it doesn’t affect them,” Zeff says. “But a HSP would feel it much more deeply.”

16. Cubicles = good. Open-office plans = bad. cubicles
Just like highly sensitive people tend to prefer solo workouts, they may also prefer solo work environments. Zeff says that many highly sensitive people enjoy working from home or being self-employed because they can control the stimuli in their work environments. For those without the luxury of creating their own flexible work schedules (and environments), Zeff notes that highly sensitive people might enjoy working in a cubicle — where they have more privacy and less noise — than in an open-office plan.

Adapted from here.

Post #3: Untitled.

These few weeks has been rough. My emotions have been going all over the place.

But it’s times like these where I tend to write. A lot. I don’t write novels or short stories. When my emotions get the better of me, I want to write it out. There are so many thoughts in my head which needs to be cleared out.

Helpless. It’s probably the word to describe me right now. I feel helpless because despite trying to work things out, it’s not going the way I planned. Maybe God is trying to tell me to let go. And that I’ve done what I could to save it but how can I help but try to fix things? I have a fault to a certain extent but I’m definitely not the only one who contributed to this mess.

Tired. I’m tired of all these drama. This is so primary/ secondary school. We all know that even if we are still on talking terms, our friendship is never going to be the same. It’s not that I purposely misplace gifts on purpose but everyone knows I misplace my stuff ALL the time. I’ve never meant to lie nor take my flaws as an excuse but I’m so damn tired of feeling like I’m being guilt-trip to making me think that it’s ALL my fault. I tried. I’ve already put my ego down and apologize and admit to my weaknesses. But if y’all are going to behave like kids, it’s not like I can help it.

Well, rejoice because y’all have succeeded in making me feel like this. Aren’t you happy now? I mean y’all are always right and it’s my fault for being over-sensitive. I can’t tweet what I want because I have to consider other people’s feelings. No, I can’t be straightforward and say the things I want to say because it’ll hurt your poor weak hearts.

But hey, look. I don’t owe anything to you. Why should I consider your feelings when you don’t even consider mine? You are equally as mean to anyone in class. Especially towards Pat. (Everyone has eyes to see and ears to hear.) Question yourselves before you dare say anything about me. I know I do join in at times but you jolly well know that you do it so much more yourselves. Don’t tell me to just reflect on what I’ve said about you (I will and have already done it) but do it yourselves. Don’t always think you are always right and everyone is always wrong.

IMG_6326

Just let me get things straight before you go around talking about me like as if I’m a spoilt brat. When I tweet, you said that I caused you guys to feel negative. ‘It’s not as if we cannot feel the impact of the words that you’ve tweeted’. But hey, there you are tweeting about me, and it is not even true. Oh, do I not feel?

Whatever I tweet, they are my opinions on my emotions that I’ve felt from your actions. I tweet because I feel that way. But whatever you said up there is based on the things I didn’t even know occurred in my absence. I’ve already left the group beforehand. So obviously, I wouldn’t know what y’all are talking about and who said what in the group. I didn’t ask anyone to help me say anything but obviously someone did because he cared enough about the friendships and want to mend it. He didn’t have to be involved but he chose to. I did not ask him to clear my shit for me so watch what you say.

To be honest, say what you want and think what you want to think. I don’t give a hoot about how you want to live your life anymore. I hate feeling like this because I care so much but y’all don’t even give 2 fucks. I’ve already apologized for causing the hurt but since y’all don’t want to reciprocate because you obviously don’t care, then why should I?

Say what you want cuz haters are gonna hate anyway.

Post #2: Our Daily Bread

Many drafts waiting for me in my WordPress dashboard but I came across this post on my Facebook timeline by one of my GB officers and I knew I just HAD to post this before anything else –  it is such a timely reminder for me, especially at this moment when things have been happening because of what I’ve been saying.

Whenever we speak out of fear, anger, ignorance, or pride—even if what we say is true—those who listen will hear more than our words. They hear emotion. But they don’t know whether the emotion comes from love and concern or disdain and disrespect, so we risk misunderstanding. If we listen to ourselves before speaking out loud, we can judge our hearts before our careless words harm others or sadden our God.

Lord, help me to think before I speak, to check my heart. Help me to control my tongue and to express myself clearly so that I won’t cause dissension. Set a guard on my lips.
Words spoken rashly do more harm than good.

x Faith

Post #1: Thoughts

I think another thing that keeps me from blogging on this space would be the fact I get stumped every single time when I have to write a title for the post. I spend at least a good 30 mins trying to think of an interesting title but I usually give up writing the post altogether because I simply can’t think of what to say (omg faith’s pains)

In any case, it’s been 22 days since I posted on this space. And as much as I would love to be able to update my Dayre daily, I haven’t been doing it. Ever since I went back to school on the 2nd, school has been taking so much time. Like I said before, it’s the first time I’ve ever been so busy since I was in poly because RP don’t really give us assignments and this sem, it’s just full of graded assignments. I should be prepping for my presentation tmr but I’m just so tired of looking at the slides – thinking how I should compile it all in just 10 slides. You must be kidding right? I mean I have 53 pages in my word doc & they want me to compile them in just 10 slides. I’ve never really liked summarizing  but oh well, I guess it can wait.

Some of my friends have been going back to blogging and I really really love reading their thoughts because I get to understand them more. I feel like blogs are actually spaces that people write/ share what they don’t say out loud. And it’s probably especially so for me. And I love reading what I’ve written in the past and realize how some things no longer bother me as much or how, despite all the quarrels I’ve had with certain friends, we are closer than ever.

Blogging has such a therapeutical effect – I get to say what I’ve been keeping inside for the longest time and whether other people read it or not, it doesn’t really matter. I like to say I’m an extremely straightforward person who tends to shoot her mouth off when the situation requires of me to do so and I don’t regret it.

Some nights, I just read my Twitter timeline and I really wonder how some people can just keep up with their two faces (or many faces). Don’t you get tired? I feel so tired for them – keeping up a different story with different groups of people. I really can’t deal with them; especially the bitchy ones. I feel so sad for them – their self-esteem is so low that they have to do this to sustain whatever ‘friends’ they have in their lives. They’re so afraid of speaking what they really feel because they’re afraid people will no longer accept them. The ‘friends’ they have are simply just people who wants to make use of them. Just remember, no matter how pretty you are on the outside, if you are ugly on the inside, that ugliness will shine through sooner or later.

***

I think this past week really tested my patience with people; I’ve been dealing with people of all sorts. I don’t say anything because I don’t want to regret what I say later on. As much as I believe that people speak the truth especially when they are pissed, I don’t want to offend people/ friends over such small things (because all these can be avoided). I do believe it’s just a phase but I also have my limits – don’t climb over my head just because I’m nice and you think you can get away with it.

As much as I don’t show it, I am an extremely sensitive person. I remember the words people inflict on me and I don’t think I’ll ever forget. As much as I love you as a friend, I believe in mutual respect. Be careful of the words you use on me because I get hurt really easily and you might think that it’s fine but it’s not.

So, for some reason, many people have been PMSing on me this week. I’m pretty sure I’m not the one who caused you to feel frustrated/ annoyed/ pissed so don’t take it out on me. My actions prolly added on to your frustrations and I’m sorry. But don’t take it out on me – slamming your stuff, showing me attitude or telling me to shut up. I really really hate it when people tell me to shut up – that’s probably what’s on the very top of my ‘what I really hate’ list.

I’m warning you in advance – if you are gonna continue with all these shit this week, don’t blame me if I slap you in the face. You probably really need a slap to open your eyes (wide) to see that I’m not the one causing you your emotions. I will be here for you to listen to why you are frustrated or what’s annoying you but don’t ever take it out on me (or anyone else) because I know I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve to be on the receiving end of your frustrations or be the one hurt from the words you are hurling to people just because you are frustrated. If you know you will lash out words (that hurt) on people, then stay away from them.

I can deal with this once or twice but hell, not for one entire week. Every single day I have to deal with the shit somebody decides to let out on me and I’ve to clean up the mess.

***

On a happier note, I am so glad that the busiest phase of this semester is probably going to be over. After I’m done with this final week, I would have completed my Events Ops Management UT2 assignment and all my UT2s. I’ll get a break (not) for about 3 weeks before it’s the final papers and then it’s the holidays (whoop whoop)

I know my words in the previous section was really harsh and I really do get annoyed, it’s only for a little while and then I’m fine again. Just stop testing my limits cuz I don’t know what I might do when I’m mad. I might say things that result in the end of our friendships and I think it’s not worth it. On my part, I’ll definitely try to understand what has been troubling you but on your part, please don’t take it out on me.

Chinese New Year is in about 4 days and if I’m not back to blog again, here’s a Happy New Year in advance! I hope you collect many angpaos (but spend the money wisely!)

xx

P/S: Follow me on my social media networks 🙂 For now, I will not be using my Instagram account @faithjiaen because it’s such a hassle switching when I’m posting the same things so head on to @ardourkisses – it’s private but I accept almost all the requests! 🙂 I’ve also made changes in my Soundcloud link to @faithjiaen as well 🙂

Links below:
Ask.fm | Facebook | Instagram | Soundcloud | Tumblr | Twitter | YouTube |

2013 > 2014

I’ve always wanted to be the kind of person who can sit down & consolidate her thoughts at the end of the day, pen them down & re-read them whenever I feel like it. I want to be a blogger & get paid for my reviews on items – that’s when my opinion matters. But then again, I can never be tied down and never would like to be tied down to deadlines in writing entries.  

I have an album prepared for my 2013 consolidation of thoughts & photos but nah, I don’t think I’ll ever get down to doing it. I mean, I still have my draft from 2012 December when I wanted to write about an awesome 2013. This is so crazy – trying to dig through every single experience and write about them just so I should y’know. 

After thinking through, I think it all boils down to me wanting to say thank you to every single one of you who’s been supporting me in what I want to do & even to haters, thank you for giving me criticism (whether constructive or not) & motivating myself to become better. 2013 has been a year of breakthroughs – pushing myself to try & accomplish things I never would have wanted to do/ never thought I would do. I’m really really thankful for all the opportunities I’ve been given in 2013 & I can only pray that God will open more doors in 2014. I’m thankful for friends who’s stuck by me despite all my nonsense & here’s to an even better 2014. 

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A really terrible selfie after I did my hair (#bluehairdontcare) but I will be attempting to update regularly (aka daily/ weekly) on my Dayre so I hope y’all will follow me there 🙂 x

Uninteresting Caption I

I think one thing that really gets to me from blogging would be the pain of having to come up with amazing captions that draw people. I honestly don’t know how some people can come up with interesting captions with a snap of my finger. On another note, the last post was filled with so much anger & rants that I wrote at 2AM in the morning (which I still think it’s justified) except for the fact no one prolly can read it since I locked with a password I don’t know myself.

So… I’ve been busy with rehearsals for President’s Star Charity 2013 but honestly I don’t feel like I’ve been doing much, considering that the item we’re doing is really against my principle (as in, not the song itself) but I think it’s inappropriate to talk about it here (these are things I can only keep to myself sigh) but I really hate hate hate what I’m being forced to do. I don’t feel as motivated for this show but I will still put in my best. In any case, I still had fun – meeting up with one of my fav group of people. Really missed the times we spent tgt every single day for fitting, for rehearsals, for vocal training, for dance, for radio interview, for press conferences. I missed the boot camp but when I finally find the time, I might compile them into a blog entry.

IMG_1995Our very first rehearsal for the show | Credits to Rozz for the photo 🙂

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My messy hair & the gang with our amazing vocal coach (whom I also found out to be a really amazing photographer), Hazrul

IMG_2150Taken during rehearsals on set this afternoon | Credits to Ashley for the amazing angle 🙂

Realized my blog has been too much words & too little photos (hahaha) and I’ve finally found the time to compile those photos from the phone so yes, look out for more photos that were long overdued. I’ve also a post set aside for the gig I did at Ocean Financial Centre which will also be on my other blog – http://faithjiaen.blogspot.sg – which I started when I was in The Final 1. My ladies from Replug did the banners for those & they’re so preetz, which was why I couldn’t bear to close the blog down even tho I was out of the competition.

And I was told I’m Replug’s REFLECTIONS show’s SM (which stands for stage manager) which is a pretty huge role, considering the amount of pressure I actually face right now. I’m literally cramming my head & crossing my fingers I won’t ruin the show. Just completed the bump in & in the midst of sorting my stage cues… Full dress rehearsals for PSC tmr – which means I get all dolled up – which means I should head to bed soon. School’s starting but that’s for another day.

That’s all I have for now but if you find yourself missing me, check out my Facebook page (http://facebook.com/faithjiaen), my Twitter (http://twitter.com/faithjiaen), my Instagram (http://instagram.com/faithjiaen) or drop me some interesting questions on my Ask.fm (http://ask.fm/faithjiaen) I hope I have time to update those sites as well 😉 Ciao! xx

Thoughts, thoughts (4th Oct)

I honestly think the night’s the best time to think about things but it doesn’t help I’ve got to sleep or else I’ll get grumpy for the rest of the next day. I wished I didn’t need to sleep (that way I’ll have a full 24 hours to do everything I wanna do & I’ll have time for everything & everyone) but yea I can only wish.

***

Headed down to Mediacorp last night to take our measurement for President’s Star Charity & I had dinner with Jean afterwards. We got talking & that made me realized I never really had one-on-one time with her & it was pretty good – therapeutic actually. We caught up with pretty much many things & the plans we have for the future. We can honestly only pray for God to guide the way, to open more doors & to really lead us to where He’s planned our lives. I really do enjoy spending quality time to get to know people – and what they actually think about on the inside. I love exchanging thoughts with another & it makes me think a lot. I tend to ponder over what other people say to me – which can be a good or bad thing – and work on how I can improve myself all the time.

And after last night, I realized I’ve been quite sad recently & maybe keeping my schedule busy will help me keep my mind off things. The problem is I think too much & I expect too much. Sometimes it’s not really a problem but at times, the things you think about don’t really help you feel any better.

***

For a moment in my life, I felt quite lost with what I really want to do – with my life, with singing, with the arts, with my education. I don’t know what I want to do but all I know is that I just want to finish my diploma & not do a degree immediately after. I want to explore what I can do with my life & what I’m actually good at. This is probably the first time I’m not going according to society’s standards & it’s definitely a risk but I think it’s worth a try for smth you love. I prayed for God to open more doors for me (as He’s been doing & I’m ever so grateful). I don’t expect much from the gigs I’ve been doing but more things have been coming. It’s really amazing what God does. Really really amazing.

And… I’ve come to realize that if a relationship (be it BGR, or kinship or friendship) is not based on trust, nth ever works out. I hate it when friends (especially close friends) lie to me & I find it extremely hard for me to ever trust them again.  I mean you can always trust me. There isn’t any reason to lie (except if you want to prepare a surprise) but I don’t want to ever be left in the dark in anything else. I hate feeling like close friends are keeping things from me because you make me feel like you can’t trust me enough to tell me anything. I feel hurt & upset. Call me dramatic, but that’s just how I work. I don’t know how to stop feeling this way. I probably am a clingy friend but that’s just because I care.

If you know me pretty well, I’m a person where if you ever betray me/ lie to me, we can forget about ever being friends again. I mean if you can do it once, I can’t be sure you won’t do it again. We can probably become acquaintance but never anything more. I don’t want to be insecure around people I’m supposed to trust. If you ever do anything to hurt me, we’ll probably never be friends again.

‘Trust takes years to build, but seconds to destroy’

Love, Me

Crafted a blog post about what I wanted for & what I thought about my 18th a few days back & I might have probably accidentally deleted the post. Which kinda frustrates me because I can’t replicate what I wrote exactly on that day itself 😦

I think a lot about things & I question why I write/ blog & why I find it such a pity that I don’t have the luxury to blog everyday about the little things in my life. I pen down my thoughts because it helps me capture the feelings & memories of what I felt/ did & it helps me to remember them. As time passes, I’ll be able to look back & laugh at what I actually wrote (it happened when I was recently reading my blog posts that I’ve written in sec 2 & omg I can’t believe the ‘drama’ that we faced in secondary school) but it also makes me miss & think about what made me happy or sad in the good old days. I don’t know if I would do anything to go back to those days but it was a good time in my life – and it also made me a part of who I am as a person.

And… I wished I had time in my hands. Or that I never felt sleepy so that I don’t waste a single precious moment in my alrd short life. There are so many things I would like to do in a day but yet I don’t have enough time to complete them because of my schedule & my (extremely bad) habit of procrastination.

I’m turning 18 this month & I should be jumping for joy. In all honesty, I’ve always wanted to be that girl who were extremely skinny & gorgeous (by society’s standards), who was the life of the party & whom everyone wanted to be friends with. That girl where everyone wants to be part of her life (indefinitely her 18th) but no, I don’t think anyone would specially take the time off to celebrate my birthday. I’m just your ordinary, one-in-a-million girl who’s turning 18. It used to matter a lot when I didn’t look skinny (I was quite plump & even up till now, I still am) & no matter how hard I tried to fit in, I just couldn’t. I mean it still matters but I find that it’s no longer as important. I no longer want to care whether I’m being judged by society’s standards. I’m tired of being who everyone wants me to be but not who I want to be. It’s tiring – keeping up with so many masks – and being someone you’re not comfortable to be.

So… For my 18th, I really want to kick the habit of procrastinating (it always makes me late) & I want to promise that I’ll always stay true to my beliefs & principles, no matter what other people say. I think that’s really important. I see people change & it scares me. I don’t want to be like them.

Many people have asked me what I was doing for my 18th but I don’t think I’m doing anything. I honestly would love a party but I’m never one who likes to invite my many circles of friends to one party & not be able to spend quality time with any one of them since I’ve to play host. It makes me feel awkward whenever I attend parties with friends & I don’t know most of the people there. I enjoy having a simple meal & spending quality time. I love surprise birthday parties even tho half the time I know what was gonna happen when y’all do things out of the extraordinary. But it makes me happy to think/ feel that I’m actually worth all the effort in the planning & execution of the surprise. I love handwritten notes & pictures which I keep in a box & I reread them over & over again. I love many things & if you love/ know me enough, you’ll probably know what I want.

I’m not expecting anything since I’ve been pushing people away from my life. But that’s another post for another day. All I can say is that I think too much for my own good & sometimes I wish I wasn’t like that. I feel sad too often but people feel like I’m just being dramatic. Tired of explaining why & no matter what I say, no one will understand. It’s fine if you’re able to put your emotions into words. The hardest part is when you can’t. It’s frustrating when you have so much emotions inside you and you have so many thoughts whirling in your head but yet you can’t get it out.