Believe.

To say that I never thought of wanting to be in that position right now, I would be lying. I know that the chances are possibly next to impossible, I still dared dream of it. Maybe I’m not ready for it right now. But I believe someday, some time, that moment will come. 

It’s gonna take a lot of hard work to get to where I want to be; but I’m gonna try no matter what the odds against me are. Because when I believe, everything magical happens.

Things About Me? // Tumblr Questions

I felt like I haven’t blogged in so long (which is probably true) & it’s not that I don’t want to but I’ve too many thoughts in my mind; it’s so difficult to consolidate all those thoughts and put ’em into words. I’ve been having those whirlwind of emotions again & it makes me feel like crap all the time. It’s like you feel okay for weeks & suddenly, you just feel like crap & it goes on for days.

1. post a selfie?

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Here’s 3 of my current fav photos which has me in it 😉

2. do you wear makeup? what makeup do you put on? 
I do wear make up. I use Clinique’s Even Better Dark Spot Corrector, Pore Refiner. I use Etude House’s blush & Silkygirl’s Eyebrow Pencil. And Maybelline’s Falsies mascara.

3. do you prefer dark or light haired people? 
I don’t really care about hair color? Does it matter? I care about people for who they are, not what their hair color is.

4.what’s your favorite song at the moment?
‘Change Your Little’ – Little Mix (Gail’s version on The Final 1 was awesome btw!)

5. what was the last song you listened to? 
At the moment, i’ve been going back to listening to old songs from the 2000’s & ‘Unfaithful’ by Rihanna has been on repeat.

6.do you have a tumblr crush?
Nope i don’t have a tumblr crush

7.who is your tumblr crush? 
Like I said, I don’t have a tumblr crush but I always reblog things from fuckyeahgleelove

8. what are you doing right now? 
Well, I’m stuck in class, attempting to listen to my facilitator talk about Strategic Thinking Skills yup.

9. do you have any siblings?

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Yes I do! I have a younger brother who’s 2 years younger than me (so duh, he’s the older guy in the picture! and my baby cousin is so cutesy right?)

10. what’s your ethnicity? 
I’m Chinese.

11. what’s your favorite subject in school? 
Sad to say, for this sem I don’t have one.

12. what’s your favorite color? 
Pink! (No questions about it!)

13. what’s your favorite sports team? 
I don’t really follow sports oops.

14. what’s your favorite ice cream flavor? 
I don’t really like chocolate ice cream anymore (not that I used to have a crazy love for it) but I usually like smth sweet but not so sweet with vanilla base & some caramel.

15. when did you make your tumblr? 
3 years ago when people I knew don’t even have tumblr yet.

16. how many followers do you have? 
Not many & it’s not a concern for me.

17. do you like where you live? 
Yes I do & I live on a sunny green island, Singapore! (It’s not in China!)

18. is your room super messy or really clean? 
I share my room with my brother & helper. Kinda both. It’s not extremely messy but it’s not extremely neat I guess.

19. do you have a romantic partner? 
No, I don’t (Applications for boyfriends are open! Hahaha I keed)

20. do you prefer pens or pencils? 
Pens. (This question is so random btw!)

Short Update // Official Photos (The Final 1)

Hey everyone! 🙂

I’m finally back with a really short update (since I’m doing this in school). I was just scrolling through the blog & I realized that I said I was going to update the blog 2 months ago. But that obviously didn’t happen 😉 I was down for an experience of a lifetime & I wished I was free to document every moment here but I couldn’t find the time.

‘A picture speaks a thousand words

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If you compared the top 11 & top 10 photo, you would realized we all had a make over 🙂

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Some promo pictures that I’m on 🙂

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Some of us catching the show/ waiting for the results backstage

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The Top 20 finalists of The Final 1

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‘Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements even if it leads nowhere?’ – Adele

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Louisa, Raina & I

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8/ Top 11

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In the bus on our way to the road show at Takashimaya

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I took the picture not cuz it’s Glen but it showed off the back view of my dress which I really liked!

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Doing what we always do best

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Group Shots

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Interview after the press confererence

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My last performance on The Final 1

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My Kardashian sisters // So much love for them xx

Credits to Mediacorp Channel 5’s Facebook page & Xinmsn

Faith’s Space.

I think today’s post will be a pretty long one – provided I finish it:-) (Haha y’all my non-existent readers have no idea how many drafts are in that white space I call my dashboard because I didn’t bother finishing it.) Okay, it’s not that I didn’t bother, it’s more like I didn’t have time or half way while writing the post I couldn’t think of the right words to put in or I just got bored and went to do smth else. (It’s Faith, what’s new!)

I treat this space more like my personal diary where I jot down my memories during my walk of life (Cheesy much?) Being a boring person with a boring life (I hope this will change!), I usually have nothing to blog about other than school and school (Get my point?!)

***

First things first: Updates! (Yay or nay!)

Update No 1:
I just finished/completed my Final One audition video and submitted it (finally!!!). My mother has been nagging at me (since the day I told her I wanted to take part in the competition) to complete it but since I could not find people to help me with the recording until the very last minute, I couldn’t do anything about it!

Then now you might be wondering why I didn’t just record to a minus one track. Reasons: I don’t know when to come in most of the time or it’s either too fast or too slow for my liking or I don’t have much space for my own rendition and I do not know how to have GREAT audio quality. So, I finally manage to get hold of Dansen Chua (Check out his YouTube channel here) who cancelled his classes just to help me and Udi with our videos (Took us about 3 hours!) and I stayed up till 4am to complete editing + uploading the videos. Yes, I pray that I never have to go through with that anymore but I’m glad I learnt how to play around with Final Cut Pro (Might consider getting that!).

On a side note, I really wanna thank everyone who helped share, like, comment or just taking time off to listen to it. It really means a lot to me. Every single view is appreciated. ‘Thank you’ seems to be the only thing I can say to everyone because I really don’t know how to show y’all how much this means to me. Even a million ‘thank you’ isn’t enough to show you how blessed these has made me feel.

Update No 2.
Hi everyone! *waves* It’s now my holidays!!! The long awaited moments when I no longer have to wake up at 6AM just to get to school on time. Y’know how tiring it is to have to sleep at 12AM and wake up at 6AM for 5 continuous days while having your brain juice being squeezed out little by little by the things you have to learn in class?! I shall save the rants for the next semester (haha!) Sadly, I still have papers (don’t worry they’re open book! But sigh they’re still papers!) till 27th Feb! But hooray to no longer having to wake up every single day just to go to class!

So I’m calling out to everyone who wanna meet me up for a cuppa nearby, or for a movie or just to hang out, you know my number;-) I’m going to take this month to work, to do more covers and to really catch up with friends I haven’t seen in years:>

***

Now, Random Thoughts:

No 1:
I was just thinking since Valentines’ Day just passed, how much I’ve changed in terms of the number of crushes I have had and the stupid things I used to do/feel. Then again, I was naive. You can’t blame me. I could easily fall for any guy that looks cute and all (I feel like I used to be so desperate!) but now it doesn’t come so easily anymore. Sometimes, I wonder if I’m ever going to find the one but I shall just leave it up to God. It would be nice if I could have feelings for a guy but since I don’t, I’m thankful. Maybe I’ve finally grown up.

No 2:
I find it so damn saddening (pardon the English!) that I have to resort to using social networking sites to find out how my friends are doing instead of hearing it from them themselves. It’s so sad how ‘friends’ used to be so close in the past just totally become strangers or hi-bye friends now.

***

Thanksgiving
It’s been so long since I’ve properly reflected on what I’ve been blessed with during the past few months. Though I’ve a couple of regrets, I shall just think of other ways on how I can make it better and truly thank God for providing with so much.

I am thankful for the bonds I have made with my family. I’ve finally realized how much I’ve been missing out from the love from my family. I haven’t been the best daughter/granddaughter/sister/family member but I promise to do better. For some reason, I used to dread going home so early but now I absolutely can’t wait for school to end so that I can spend the rest of the day in the presence of my family members.

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With the favourite and only cousin I hang out with *inserts hugs and kisses*

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IMG_2952Steamboat + Baking sesh with the cousin’s family on a rainy day. 

Thankful for the friends that I’ve managed to keep in contact with and for the friendships that have been made stronger.

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Finally get to meet up with this girl who’s been through so much ups and downs. She don’t deserve it but I know she’ll get up stronger than she was before.

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Thankful for the talent He has blessed me with.  I hope to be able to do smth with this talent that He has given me with, and know that I will never do anything that will not honour Him.

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Shall end this post with a random ootd of me:> Shall get rid of those fat thighs and round face asap.

x

 

 

Without PASSION, life is NOTHING.

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Just two quotes I found very thought-wrecking for my Project Management & Scheduling (PMS) module.

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Played around with numerous apps to produce this poster but I think it can be further improved// Still unable to find a perfect post-it picture so that I can play around with. Why? Why is my life so hard? Publicity is so difficult even tho I enjoy editing pictures and combining them into a masterpiece that conveys a message.

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My first attempt at creating a ‘Meme’ for GB CCA Fair:-)
Miss Wong found it really cool and that it’ll entice the younger generation so she said I can think of more to use this for the poster next year. Personally I find this picture really really unglam but it kinda suits the Meme:> My hair in that picture seems really straight as well; I wonder why.

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A bookmark that shows how set apart a GB girl is compared to being an ordinary girl.

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A picture of us graduates. Find this heartwarming since we all came back from all our walks of life (sounds old to use this) for one of the most important events in the GB calendar – Recruitment fair.

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Another picture of baby faith x 17 year old faith.

***

Doing this post would cancel out one of my many things to do. There’s an OB UT2 tomorrow which I haven’t started revising for. Instead I’ve been blogging, editing pictures, tweeting and doing anything/everything else except revise for tomorrow’s paper. I can’t seem to find the motivation that I used to revise for Business Statistics and Financial Accounting:-(

I’m pretty nervous for tomorrow’s performance w Udi + Code Blue’s members. Yes, that’s the band name since the rest can’t be bothered to think of any. Why blue? It was the colour that we were wearing during soundcheck today. Well don’t get me started on how the soundcheck was. One word for it: HORRIBLE. Shan’t go on anymore or else this post will not even be up by the end of time. I feel that I’m not tight in terms of musicality w the others and I asked for comments from people listening to it and they said that it’s pretty good. I feel like my set is boring. I’m not trying to act humble and all but I seriously find it really boringz in terms of my variations and all. Just praying that tomorrow will go on well.

Things I have that is yet to be completed (and never will be):

  • Plan schedule for studies.
  • GB Schedule.
  • Recording for ‘Coffee and Cigarettes’
  • Audition video for the Final One (yes, chances of me joining is pretty high)
  • Email of notes to friends

Have I also mentioned that blowdrying my hair is one of the things that I really hate doing? I hate feeling hot right after I bathe because of the heat that is coming from the hairdryer!!! This sounds so bimbotic. Something that Hoi Luen would say. Hah.

x

How I feel recently.

Reflective Recollections;

Okay, brace yourselves.

I don’t know. I probably woke up on the wrong side of the bed today, but I have been feeling like crap since I woke up. Easily annoyed and irritated by almost everything. On top of that, I really have been thinking everything through thoroughly. Or maybe not even thinking straight.

I just can’t seem to see the importance of it to you. And I don’t know what I did argh crap. It really would help if there was like an instruction manual or something, but no, life is life. I feel like I need isolation from everything. I hate how I always allow my feelings to take over everything I do, and then I actually think about it later. Feelings > Logic. Do I really put in so much effort that there isn’t room for anymore? I feel like I should stop trying sometimes, sometimes, I feel tired of always having…

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I’m not perfect.

Just a quick post to fill my thoughts since I don’t think anyone is willing to listen to them. Been crying too much and I think it’s time to stop. Up front I pretend that I’m all okay when deep down, I care too much about all these things and I hurt so bad. I get too frustrated and I don’t know what to do. Nothing seems to be working and even tho everyone says it’s me being sensitive; it’s precisely cuz I’m sensitive to such things I still feel that people haven’t fully forgiven me, people haven’t welcomed me back to be with them. I won’t go to a place that I feel unwelcomed. It’s so awkward and they might be giving each other ‘the looks’ or just simply counting down to the time when you disappear then everyone can finally breathe again. 

Sometimes I don’t know if being direct is coolz.  ‘Being direct is okay. But being too direct is not. Sometimes you need to learn to add some subtlety to the things you say.’ Something that Ryan told me made me think about it again. I feel that being direct in telling you that I don’t like you is way less cruel than pretending I like you and having you find out afterwards. 

It takes so long to build up relationship/trust but it only requires one mistake to break it all. I hate feeling that disappointment that people have in me; that feeling of relationships being torn apart. It’s just so sad how people don’t give you another chance when you make a mistake and that relationship is lost forever. 

All I can say is that I’ve tried to mend the relationships which have broken because of the mistakes that I might have made. I’ve made the effort but if it’s the choice of the other party, then I’ll respect it and move on.

I’m stronger than this. 

x

It started with a whisper.

People who know me will know how I always blog/tweet when I rage. No matter how many times people always tell you that you shouldn’t say things when you’re angry because you’ll end up finding that you don’t mean what you say and the damage is already done? Strangely enough, when the night falls, I do look back at the things I say and wonder if it was even necessary. However, most of the time, I don’t regret anything that I have said.

For me, I have always believed that the things people say when they are angry are the things they truly mean but they just keep it all inside. It’s when they are angry that they have the courage to say those things they’ve been keeping for the longest time. People find that I overreact, I get angry over the littlest things, I behave like a spoilt brat, I’m a troublemaker (I admit that at times I do slip into that part of my character) but most of the time, I’m just being truthful and I’m sorry but the truth hurts.

***

I like to think that I am genuine to people with my comments/words. Yea sure if it means I have to come across as a bitch; just suck it up, people. I have come to the point where I no longer want to please society who says I have to do this or I have to do that because no matter what I do, someone will always have something to say. If I tell the truth, I’m a bitch. If I don’t, I’m a hypocrite. I’m definitely want to be the bitch. (Thank you very much!) I’m not sorry that I am straightforward and if I don’t like you, I’ll just blatantly show you with my actions. It’s as simple as that.

I don’t give you a chance after you do something wrong to hurt me. I can’t help but think that since you’ve done it once, you’re going to be capable of doing it again. Am I going to be so dumb as to let you hurt me again? No, I don’t think so. It just sucks that people I thought are my friends don’t understand me enough to misunderstand my actions and my words.

***

I don’t understand why people still treat me like a fool. I admit it, I was an utter bitch (And I’m not even speaking truth) in the past. I made use of people, I say mean things all the time and I was a hypocrite. I don’t know how people used to take it but I’m pretty sure most of them couldn’t wait to get rid of me from their lives. I literally stole a diary from 2 girls who were best friends, read + photocopied it and spread it to the whole class. Afterwhich, I burnt that diary. Yea judge all you want but I’m no longer as childish as that. I apologized and I meant it and now, we’re still friends.

If you don’t know me, then don’t judge me at the first impression. Don’t insult me and then apologize afterwards. It won’t work for me. Don’t come to me saying that you didn’t mean it because sure as hell, I take it to heart. I hate people like you who don’t have basic respect for others. People whom you haven’t even gotten to know.

I get it. People are judgemental (I judge people too) but you don’t go around telling other people about your impressions of me and when you’re told to stop, you went on. Don’t insult what I say then you start using what I say at the very next second. That’s what I call being a hypocrite.

***

To my ‘friends’ out there, if you’re unhappy with me, just tell me in my face/text/call (I won’t take it to heart. It’s called constructive criticism). Don’t talk amongst yourselves and leave me hanging there. Do y’know how much it hurts to find out that you guys have another Whatsapp group without me in it? Or finding out that you have a gift exchange amongst yourselves (without me). The holy fuck, I’m not stupid. I read the signs fast. Just tell me if you wanna be friends with me instead of letting me find out so cruelly. You guys owe me that much.

I don’t think it’s fair to me. Being treated this way. I don’t even know what I have done wrong to deserved being ostracized just like that. Fuck you. Like really fuck you people for succeeding in making me feel this way. Farah always ask me why do I still go on being nice to y’all after what you’ve done to me and I thought you guys were different. Guess not.

xo

Aspirations.

Always felt like I have the urge to blog then losing it over and over again. I have so many drafts; I feel like I have so many things to say but I don’t know where to start. I don’t want to blog just because I just want to fill the space up, but I want to blog meaningful posts during milestones in my life. Or when I have thoughts in my head that I want it to be heard but no one will listen to them.

I used to care what people think about me. Like a lot. I mean, I still do. That will be a part of me that will be hard to fully get rid of. I always used to do things because it will mean that I will please/fit in with friends or maybe what I call ‘friends’. I used to be insecure about myself (I probably still am) but it’s definitely a lot lesser. I learnt to love myself more, to do things because I want to but not because someone else wants me to. That shouldn’t have been the way I led my life. It’s my life after all. Not anyone else’s.

It’s not just about superficial insecurity. Like being afraid of dressing the way you are. I mean, that will definitely be sticking around for a long long time. I don’t exactly have the perfect figure – I probably am leaning to the slightly overweight side. I don’t have the nicest feature – my hair is probably the worst created. It’s not about wearing the most fashionable clothes or having the best make up, because after all, it’s only superficial. What I am referring to is about being insecure about who you are inside. I know everyone has those issues. I’m pretty sure everyone faces them but I don’t want to be insecure about how I am inside. I know what I am made of, I know who I want to be and that should be the most important thing. I should not be influenced by people who says that ‘Maybe you should do this’ or ‘Maybe you should do that’. I feel that the things I am doing because I want to do it. I’m already a grown up. The things that I am doing should be because I want to, not because someone forced me to.

I was just watching Glee and wondering who I am similar to in there. Not just about the talent or the things I can do, but the character inside of them and inside of me. It is not lame that I am using that to compare myself and my life because I am somehow still confused about whom I want to be. I know I want to be a singer, a performer but so many times I have been stopped and was told that I am not good enough. I have always thought that I would be like Rachel Berry. People always always tell me that I am so similar to her as well. But it’s not just about how she behaves – how annoying she used to be, how pushy or stuck up she seems to be. I feel like both of us have like the same (I just cannot emphasise how much!) character, but I am not as extreme as her. But I literally aspire to be as extreme as her. It’s just how she is so motivated ALL the time despite her setbacks. She has always known what she wants to do and she works towards it no matter what it takes. Whenever she sings, I get the shivers. She has the soul, the passion. Everything that a singer would want.

“You have a nice voice.” 
“I wished I could sing like you.”
People always tell me things like that. But I don’t believe it. I don’t find myself being extremely happy about it because I doubt myself. I doubt what I can do. Y’know it didn’t start from young? I wasn’t born to be a singer. I couldn’t sing before. To be honest, I didn’t used to be able to hit notes or pitch perfectly. I couldn’t even make it into choir in primary school. Anyone who knew me then always wanted to throw sticks and stones (they still do now, but for a totally different reason) because I just sucked at it so bad. But God is great. It’s just a miracle how I started getting better and found different sides to my voice and now here I am. It’s not exactly great; every single minute I aspire to be someone even better but it’s not easy.

But I still don’t find that I have the voice that will stick out (in a good way) or that it’s special on its very own. There’s so many things that I lack but I know I want to do this. I love the stage. I love that the fact that I have people who will be doing things for me, like I am treated like a princess. I love that I am in the light of all the attention, the care. I love that single spotlight on me when I sing, when everyone’s attention is on no one, but me. Yes, it can be scary when you think about it but I love leaving the stage, feeling like I have it all.

It’s just so difficult for me because I know I am not pretty enough or I am not as strong a vocalist as so many other people out there. It’s just so amazing how some people are just so good and you’re left there, wondering how sad your life is. It’s a hard world and I don’t know where to start being better than anyone there.

But I know who I want to be. I won’t let anyone say I can’t do otherwise.

x

Go fuck yourselves.

I find this fucking absurd. Absurd to the point when I feel like giving up on speaking to idiots.

I get so pissed off when I am trying to learn, trying to understand the lesson for the day and no one in the fucking world wants to teach me. I am expected to upload whatever I copied and when I asked for help and no one fucking wants to help me?! I am not even asking for help in doing something stupid but I am learning lesson proper. I AM TRYING TO FUCKING LEARN AND NO ONE WANTS TO LEND ME A FUCKING HELPING HAND?! If I don’t ask

Oh sure, I know why. It doesn’t involve your grades. It’s my grades. I will remember it.

Trust me, when I say I will remember it. I will.

Scared.

Y’know how afraid I am of facing the same things over and over again?? I’m scared of losing friends. I’m scared of so many things that I just wished it would all go away. I wished I could just run away, never have to think about the things that I am running away from??  I am so scared and all the time I just want to cry when I face them but deep down I have to keep telling myself to be strong. I have faced so many setbacks, I am shaken so badly but no, I put on a brave front in front of everyone else. All the things that happened made me the person I am today.

On the outside, I appear as a jovial cheerful bitchy lil girl (things you’ll find in a usual teenage life) who can take everything in her stride but no, I’m not just like that. Friday’s incident just proved it. I’m just trying as hard as I might to literally forgive and forget, but it’s not easy. It really made me appreciate the people who has been there for me during that rough time. As much as I don’t want to think about it anymore, it just keeps coming back. It haunts me. It makes me question myself even more than I already drill myself with. I’m the kind of person who treasures relationships with people who really matter to me. I don’t know what to think when your own friends think it’s funny to laugh at my funeral. Is that going to be the scenario? That people laughing at my loss?? I want to believe that it’s my friends who are just joking. I want to. I don’t know how life is going to be like the next ten weeks? Do you know how I look at it?? That my friends hate me so much, they just can’t be happier that I’m dead. Do you know how much it breaks me inside? I know I keep smiling and pretending to be ok, but I am not. I am not. I have never felt more alone in the world at that point in time than anything else. It’s not fair to think like that, especially when they have apologized but I cannot forget. It hurts.

What were you doing at that point in time when I needed my supposed friends?? Where were you?? Did you give a heck? Did you shrug it off? Did you really care about how I felt?? Was your thought ‘Ah faith is just being her usual dramatic self, exaggerating things? It’s ok, she’ll be fine.’ ? Do you know how low I felt at that point in time? I thought I was never going to be able to bounce back up again? I know I seem jolly, it’s just a facade. Do you think every laugh I laughed was truly funny? Do you think I was happy?? How many nights I cried myself to sleep ever since? Y’know what scares me the most. Even people whom I have only acquainted seem to care even more than my friends did. How many text messages that came in from people who barely knew me?? I’m sorry to say but I am disappointed in having friends like you.

Do y’know how hard it is trying to be me? Do you know all the insecurities that I have? Do you have the expectations that you have to meet – from your own self and from others? Do you know how much I hate myself when I can’t meet my own expectations? Do you know how much I resent myself for wanting to do a certain action which is not approved? Do you know the conflicts I’m facing in my own head? Do you know what it is like to be me?? It’s not fair to say all these but I’m not having it easy either. I might not have the toughest life but I’m only human.

I hate having to put up a strong front when all I want to do is to cry. I know I seem tough, I’m not. I can take nonsense, I can take what life throws me but there’s always a limit to how much someone can take, isn’t it? I just can’t hold on to it anymore.

Quick Update

Hello everyone!!:-)

Just poppin’ by for a quick update about what I was doing these few weeks. Can you freaking believe it?? October has already passed and it’s already November. School has started since October 12th and it’s already the 4th week of school. Still not lovin’ this semester’s classmates unlike how quickly I adapted to my Y1S1 classmates. Barely the 4th week and I already have 7 LOAs from school. This goes to show how much I really hate school (Or at least the people there)

xo

Desire

I’m just willing myself not to cry.

I don’t understand why people tell me to shut up singing the musical songs after it’s over. Does it mean that if I’m dead, people won’t talk about me anymore? Does it mean that once I’m dead, I’m treated like I never/I didn’t even existed anymore? So what if it’s my first production, I don’t know. Is this what everyone calls passion? So if I’ve performed a certain song, I stop singing it forever?

I think I’m just feeling a little sentimental. Feeling what I call, the PMS (Post-Musical Syndrome). I don’t know. Five months is quite a lot of time to spend on a production. Spending almost every single day either singing or dancing or acting. We endure scoldings from Zaini together, listening to Jeffrey changing his direction every single rehearsal and Irene going through the songs all over again and again. It’s not just cause the musical is over, then life moves on. I don’t know. I can’t seem to just snap back like y’all back to life just because the musical is over. I lived, I breathed that song. Every single day I had to rehearse my parts. And yet, people expect me to snap out of it.

Thoughts that you’ve expressed

I agree with this. Fully.

ShabiraBasheer

Clearly you don’t know the shades of gray that humanities answers have. Clearly you don’t know the amount of thinking involved. Clearly you don’t know the intricacies and beauty in the arts subject. Clearly you don’t appreciate the arts. You just see things in black and white. You’re just studying it for the sake of excelling in it. Just because you’re so great in science and maths, doesn’t mean you can make a mockery out of the field I love best.

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Wise men say only fools rush in.

Today’s been a busy day. Was so tired yesterday that immediately after watching The X Factor, I went to sleep. I had to wake up early for dance with Zaini for Makanplace at 10AM. I met Renu at CWP Macs at 930am and upon finishing b’fast, we headed to school with Hafiz.

Dance was slightly better than usual cuz it was the opening but since I’m doing the guy part which I’m still unsure of, Zaini asked me to internalise it which I plan to do before the next rehearsal on Monday. One thing he said during rehearsal really impacted me. We were asked to do the opening dance alone (less people we can follow) and it was kinda awkward cuz I had to interact with random people. Then he asked me, ‘Faith, can I ask you a personal question?’ And I mean I can’t say no, so I nodded. ‘What do you see yourself doing in ten years?’ I didn’t want to answer. I was scared everyone would judge me. ‘Do you see yourself performing?’ And it was the very thing that I literally live for. I nodded. ‘Do you like performing? Do you want to do it?’ And of course there was only one answer, I said yes. ‘Faith you have a great voice. You have one of the greatest voice that I have ever heard. But there’s smth you’re holding back, smth inside you. I don’t see you enjoying the dance, you seem so caught up with the steps. You can go very far.’ Smth along that line. I was like ‘Wow I didn’t know that’s what he thought of me’ I mean I always thought I was a nobody in his eyes. Like just some other person who can sing. But not to that extent.

I’m not going to be going all almighty or haughty because it will change me as a person. It will make me proud and really not humble. I must remember that no matter how famous I become, I must always remember my roots and who helped me throughout this journey. I mean I must always thank the people who’s make me, me. I don’t want to see myself as famous but unlikable. Like a superstar that everyone who’s backstage hates. I want to be someone that everyone inspires to be.

Also, I think one thing I learn throughout the years is to learn to take criticism and learn from there. It’s important to hear what others think of you and not be delusional about who you think you are. If many people say that you have a certain flaw you might consider to take out when you perform, you should work on it. But not go all defensive and give reasons for everything you do. No matter how good you are, there is always going to be someone better. It’s great to have confidence but NEVER be over-confident.

One last thing I learnt from Atiqah today. Don’t change yourself or don’t try too hard to fit in. If you don’t fit in somewhere, it means you’re different. It might not be necessarily a bad difference but that you’re special to stand alone. Why be a follower when you can be a leader? That I shouldn’t get too affected that people don’t want me with them. Also I shouldn’t worry if people hates me or not. As long as I don’t do bad things or that I’m overly proud and things along that line. It’s normal to have people who hate you cuz if you’re popular and no one hates you, it’s kinda weird. And if people hate you, it means that there’s smth about you that people envy.

Things to think about.

Wanna kill yourself? Imagine this. You come home from school one day. You’ve had yet another horrible day. You’re just ready to give up. So you go to your room, close the door, and take out that suicide note you’ve written and rewritten over and over and over You take out those razor blades, and cut for the very last time. You grab that bottle of pills and take them all. Laying down, holding the letter to your chest, you close your eyes for the very last time. A few hours later, your little brother knocks on your door to come tell you dinner’s ready. You don’t answer, so he walks in. All he sees is you laying on your bed, so he thinks you’re asleep. He tells your mom this. Your mom goes to your room to wake you up. She notices something is odd. She grabs the paper in your hand and reads it. Sobbing, she tries to wake you up. She’s screaming your name. Your brother, so confused, runs to go tell Dad that “Mommy is crying and sissy won’t wake up.” Your dad runs to your room. He looks at your mom, crying, holding the letter to her chest, sitting next to your lifeless body. It hits him, what’s going on, and he screams. He screams and throws something at the wall. And then, falling to his knees, he starts to cry. Your mom crawls over to him, and they sit there, holding each other, crying.

The next day at school, there’s an announcement. The principal tells everyone about your suicide. It takes a few seconds for it to sink in, and once it does, everyone goes silent. Everyone blames themselves. Your teachers think they were too hard on you. Those mean popular girls, they think of all the things they’ve said to you. That boy that used to tease you and call you names, he can’t help but hate himself for never telling you how beautiful you really are. Your ex boyfriend, the one that you told everything to, that broke up with you.. He can’t handle it. He breaks down and starts crying, and runs out of the school. Your friends? They’re sobbing too, wondering how they could never see that anything was wrong, wishing they could have helped you before it was too late. And your best friend? She’s in shock. She can’t believe it. She knew what you were going through, but she never thought it would get that bad… Bad enough for you to end it. She can’t cry, she can’t feel anything. She stands up, walks out of the classroom, and just sinks to the floor. Shaking, screaming, but no tears coming out.

It’s a few days later, at your funeral. The whole town came. Everyone knew you, that girl with the bright smile and bubbly personality. The one that was always there for them, the shoulder to cry on. Lots of people talk about all the good memories they had with you, there were a lot. Everyone’s crying, your little brother still doesn’t know you killed yourself, he’s too young. Your parents just said you died. It hurts him, a lot. You were his big sister, you were supposed to always be there for him. Your best friend, she stays strong through the entire service, but as soon as they start lowering your casket into the ground, she just loses it. She cries and cries and doesn’t stop for days.

It’s two years later. The whole school talks to a counselor/therapist at least once a week. Your teachers all quit their job. Those mean girls have eating disorders now. That boy that used to tease you cuts himself. Your ex boyfriend doesn’t know how to love anymore and just sleeps around with girls. Your friends all go into depression. Your best friend? She tried to kill herself. She didn’t succeed like you did, but she tried…your brother? He finally found out the truth about your death. He self harms, he cries at night, he does exactly what you did for years leading up to your suicide. Your parents? Their marriage fell apart. Your dad became a workaholic to distract himself from your death. Your mom got diagnosed with depression and just lays in bed all day.

People care. You may not think so, but they do. Your choices don’t just effect you. They effect everyone. Don’t end your life, you have so much to live for. Things can’t get better if you give up. I’m here for absolutely anyone that needs to talk, no matter who you are. Even if we’ve NEVER talked before, I’m here for you. ♥

Here’s what I read on Facebook this morning and it made me reflect cuz I’ve ever thought of my death.

Days like this, I want to drive away.

Okay, I know it’s pathetic to run away when smth goes wrong. But it’s kinda a normal reaction cuz your body either takes flight or fight. Y’know there are just times when you just can’t be strong anymore to hold the fort you’re expected to hold. You just wanna run away from all the bad things that’s been happening and you just wished so hard that it’s just your mother who’s telling you everything is okay and you’re just having a bad nightmare and everything will go away soon. But it’s not.

I don’t know where to start. I don’t know how to put the feelings I’m feeling right now into words. I don’t know how to start. It’s like I’ve always been searching for that sentence to start but since it has never come, then I don’t start at all. I hate feeling this way. A whirl of emotions, that is.

Is this considered bullying? Or may be it’s my over reaction again? Y’know it does hurt so much to feel that you’re being left out from a group on purpose; that feeling of unwantedness, that feeling of not being good enough, that feeling of loneliness. I feel so guilty about what I have put other people through when I ostracised them before. I didn’t consider what they felt when I did that to them. It hurts. It fucking hurts. You’ll never understand it unless you’re facing it. Stop telling me not to think about it cuz it’s not as easy as you say it is. Talking is one thing while carrying it out is a totally different thing.

I’m not stupid. I know how to read signs when you’re left out in a group cuz I’m insecure like that. Don’t bloody patronise me or lie to me when you have no damn intention to include me in the first place. I really appreciate it even more if you just tell me to my face and I’ll get it. I’m not so thick skinned that if I’m not welcome, I’ll insist on getting a place there. I’m not like that. I won’t go where I’m not welcomed. Get this right.

P/S: I’m sorry for ranting here. I’m saying this in anger. You might feel insulted but just know I’m on such an emotional whirl now I just speak my mind. Just don’t judge me. Get lost if you don’t want to feel insulted. 

White lips. Pale faces.

Hello!

I realised that this page has been pretty dead since I lack the motivation to write about my day. Unlike some of my friends, I’ll only come here to rant, to update, to attempt to document my really boring life and perhaps one day as I look back at this, I’ll laugh at how childish I actually was before.

So, I’ve been really occupied with Makan Place; it’s crazy how most rehearsals are from Monday – Thursday but they’re all in the evening. But then Pei Ying will pop out with studio seshs with the musicians, or maybe dance seshs with Zaini or recording seshs with the sound engineer for the trailer and you have to come extra early to practise with our vocal instructor, Irene. I must say even though I kinda dislike her before cuz of her teaching style or how unproductive sessions with her always turn out to be initially, I actually learn things from her during my 1-1 seshs with her. She pushes me & injects bouts of encouragement to make us better singers. She always believe in us.

Anyway, despite my busy life, I still went to serve God for chapel seshs in my secondary school:) I cut this comment from one of my favourite people, Ian T’s blog. It kinda made my day:) Y’know it’s so weird how some people hate the chapel seshs during school days cuz you don’t believe in Christ or whatsoever reasons, but the one thing that you’ll really miss will be chapel + singspirations. It kinda bonds me with God. I mean, I am bonded to him no matter what. But the whole chapel sesh always leaves you with God’s presence in your life; it’s very good for your life. It leaves you with such peace in your heart all the time.

Today’s chapel was AWESOME led by a graduate team of students as well as GMSS’s very own Christian Ministry Staff. These are a bunch of multitalented people who are really really really awesome in what they do, I think it would be only right that you call them professionals. Because yes they are that good. BUT unfortunately for the case of my school, a time or worship is more like a performance put up by the worship team on stage. If the team is not too good up there then they will all just go to sleep if not study.

I had loads of fun preparing the sesh with Hung + Alvin + Varian, learning a new song during the whole process. I love how being in GM leaves me with such peace all the time. Y’know as I look at the bunch of juniors, I can’t help but wonder if there’s anyone who’s kinda like me; the noisy, enthusiastic, loud, boisterous girl. That pang of emotions hit you as you look back on the days you were wearing the same uniform, running around the same corridors, times when you chased after your teachers to help you with your work. It’s just times where people still forgive you for your mistakes, times where people still stopped by and say hello, times when you can step into the canteen and know almost everyone there.

It’s just so scary how much different the next phase of life can be – people become more fake/scary/tw0-faced/hypocritical, when you get judged for everything you do, you don’t know what to expect. I shall leave this subject for later this morning cuz I have a really long draft for this:/

I just wanna say that to my friends out there who’s been here for me, giving me encouragement throughout my life journey, I appreciate each and every one of you. It’s a long and hard journey, you don’t know where life might bring you but with friends, everything becomes more enjoyable. Life gets more interesting.

xo

I stand alone.

No, I don’t mean it in a bitchy way. I just feel that I always stand alone. I might know many people, but deep down, I don’t have (at least, I haven’t found) one person whom I’m really close to; that someone who really knows me inside out or that one person whom I can really confide to. I haven’t found them yet.

Throughout my life. In primary school. In secondary school. Even now.

I have made many friends; some of whom I was and am close to but it’s just not the same that what other people have. That BFF whom they hang out with ALL THE TIME or they link arms and go everywhere TOGETHER. BFFs whom stay over at each other’s houses. BFFs who look alike that people think they’re sisters; BFFs who are such familiar faces in each other’s place.

I really envy people who have such close relationships with each other; I wished I had such relationships with people but I think I really suck at my EQ.

Sucks to be me, x

Harry Potter

Since it’s my holidays, I started creating a list of all the movies I wanted to rewatch. So the first on the list was Harry Potter. *screams* I think this post is totally random but I must get this off my chest.

  • Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone
  • Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
  • Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
  • Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
  • Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
  • Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
  • Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

Since I was a little girl, I must say that I’ve caught every single Harry Potter movie that was shown in the cinemas. I might not have understood it when I watched it at first but now, when I watched all of them one after the other, I could understand the story better. I don’t think I’m one of the die-hard fans but I must say it is one of the movies that is closest to my heart.

There are three scenes in the movie, particularly, where I cried. The scene where Sirius Black, Harry’s godfather was killed by his cousin, Bellatrix Lestrange. And the other, where Professor Dumbledore drank all the ‘poisoned water’ to reveal the Horcrux. He was in great pain but he told Harry to continue feeding him with it. The last scene was when Professor Severus Snape used the Unforgivable Curse “Avada Kedavra” and killed Professor Albus Dumbledore.

When Harry found out that Sirius was his godfather, he had someone to turn to. Someone whom he could call his family. Before Harry left Sirius’ house, Sirius had said to him, “After all these is over, we can be a proper family.” Sirius has always appeared at the right time to rescue Harry but what was most heartbreaking was that Harry had to see him die right before his very eyes.

Professor Dumbledore has been like a father figure to Harry, throughout the novels. He’s always there to provide him with help and it’s just that great sense of loss I felt when Harry had to see him die as well. Something in me just tore apart. I felt that Dumbledore is too great a figure to die, just like that.

Anyway, I still have to catch Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows! So I’m off for now.

xo