Uninteresting Caption I

I think one thing that really gets to me from blogging would be the pain of having to come up with amazing captions that draw people. I honestly don’t know how some people can come up with interesting captions with a snap of my finger. On another note, the last post was filled with so much anger & rants that I wrote at 2AM in the morning (which I still think it’s justified) except for the fact no one prolly can read it since I locked with a password I don’t know myself.

So… I’ve been busy with rehearsals for President’s Star Charity 2013 but honestly I don’t feel like I’ve been doing much, considering that the item we’re doing is really against my principle (as in, not the song itself) but I think it’s inappropriate to talk about it here (these are things I can only keep to myself sigh) but I really hate hate hate what I’m being forced to do. I don’t feel as motivated for this show but I will still put in my best. In any case, I still had fun – meeting up with one of my fav group of people. Really missed the times we spent tgt every single day for fitting, for rehearsals, for vocal training, for dance, for radio interview, for press conferences. I missed the boot camp but when I finally find the time, I might compile them into a blog entry.

IMG_1995Our very first rehearsal for the show | Credits to Rozz for the photo 🙂

IMG_1996

My messy hair & the gang with our amazing vocal coach (whom I also found out to be a really amazing photographer), Hazrul

IMG_2150Taken during rehearsals on set this afternoon | Credits to Ashley for the amazing angle 🙂

Realized my blog has been too much words & too little photos (hahaha) and I’ve finally found the time to compile those photos from the phone so yes, look out for more photos that were long overdued. I’ve also a post set aside for the gig I did at Ocean Financial Centre which will also be on my other blog – http://faithjiaen.blogspot.sg – which I started when I was in The Final 1. My ladies from Replug did the banners for those & they’re so preetz, which was why I couldn’t bear to close the blog down even tho I was out of the competition.

And I was told I’m Replug’s REFLECTIONS show’s SM (which stands for stage manager) which is a pretty huge role, considering the amount of pressure I actually face right now. I’m literally cramming my head & crossing my fingers I won’t ruin the show. Just completed the bump in & in the midst of sorting my stage cues… Full dress rehearsals for PSC tmr – which means I get all dolled up – which means I should head to bed soon. School’s starting but that’s for another day.

That’s all I have for now but if you find yourself missing me, check out my Facebook page (http://facebook.com/faithjiaen), my Twitter (http://twitter.com/faithjiaen), my Instagram (http://instagram.com/faithjiaen) or drop me some interesting questions on my Ask.fm (http://ask.fm/faithjiaen) I hope I have time to update those sites as well 😉 Ciao! xx

Aspirations.

Always felt like I have the urge to blog then losing it over and over again. I have so many drafts; I feel like I have so many things to say but I don’t know where to start. I don’t want to blog just because I just want to fill the space up, but I want to blog meaningful posts during milestones in my life. Or when I have thoughts in my head that I want it to be heard but no one will listen to them.

I used to care what people think about me. Like a lot. I mean, I still do. That will be a part of me that will be hard to fully get rid of. I always used to do things because it will mean that I will please/fit in with friends or maybe what I call ‘friends’. I used to be insecure about myself (I probably still am) but it’s definitely a lot lesser. I learnt to love myself more, to do things because I want to but not because someone else wants me to. That shouldn’t have been the way I led my life. It’s my life after all. Not anyone else’s.

It’s not just about superficial insecurity. Like being afraid of dressing the way you are. I mean, that will definitely be sticking around for a long long time. I don’t exactly have the perfect figure – I probably am leaning to the slightly overweight side. I don’t have the nicest feature – my hair is probably the worst created. It’s not about wearing the most fashionable clothes or having the best make up, because after all, it’s only superficial. What I am referring to is about being insecure about who you are inside. I know everyone has those issues. I’m pretty sure everyone faces them but I don’t want to be insecure about how I am inside. I know what I am made of, I know who I want to be and that should be the most important thing. I should not be influenced by people who says that ‘Maybe you should do this’ or ‘Maybe you should do that’. I feel that the things I am doing because I want to do it. I’m already a grown up. The things that I am doing should be because I want to, not because someone forced me to.

I was just watching Glee and wondering who I am similar to in there. Not just about the talent or the things I can do, but the character inside of them and inside of me. It is not lame that I am using that to compare myself and my life because I am somehow still confused about whom I want to be. I know I want to be a singer, a performer but so many times I have been stopped and was told that I am not good enough. I have always thought that I would be like Rachel Berry. People always always tell me that I am so similar to her as well. But it’s not just about how she behaves – how annoying she used to be, how pushy or stuck up she seems to be. I feel like both of us have like the same (I just cannot emphasise how much!) character, but I am not as extreme as her. But I literally aspire to be as extreme as her. It’s just how she is so motivated ALL the time despite her setbacks. She has always known what she wants to do and she works towards it no matter what it takes. Whenever she sings, I get the shivers. She has the soul, the passion. Everything that a singer would want.

“You have a nice voice.” 
“I wished I could sing like you.”
People always tell me things like that. But I don’t believe it. I don’t find myself being extremely happy about it because I doubt myself. I doubt what I can do. Y’know it didn’t start from young? I wasn’t born to be a singer. I couldn’t sing before. To be honest, I didn’t used to be able to hit notes or pitch perfectly. I couldn’t even make it into choir in primary school. Anyone who knew me then always wanted to throw sticks and stones (they still do now, but for a totally different reason) because I just sucked at it so bad. But God is great. It’s just a miracle how I started getting better and found different sides to my voice and now here I am. It’s not exactly great; every single minute I aspire to be someone even better but it’s not easy.

But I still don’t find that I have the voice that will stick out (in a good way) or that it’s special on its very own. There’s so many things that I lack but I know I want to do this. I love the stage. I love that the fact that I have people who will be doing things for me, like I am treated like a princess. I love that I am in the light of all the attention, the care. I love that single spotlight on me when I sing, when everyone’s attention is on no one, but me. Yes, it can be scary when you think about it but I love leaving the stage, feeling like I have it all.

It’s just so difficult for me because I know I am not pretty enough or I am not as strong a vocalist as so many other people out there. It’s just so amazing how some people are just so good and you’re left there, wondering how sad your life is. It’s a hard world and I don’t know where to start being better than anyone there.

But I know who I want to be. I won’t let anyone say I can’t do otherwise.

x

Scared.

Y’know how afraid I am of facing the same things over and over again?? I’m scared of losing friends. I’m scared of so many things that I just wished it would all go away. I wished I could just run away, never have to think about the things that I am running away from??  I am so scared and all the time I just want to cry when I face them but deep down I have to keep telling myself to be strong. I have faced so many setbacks, I am shaken so badly but no, I put on a brave front in front of everyone else. All the things that happened made me the person I am today.

On the outside, I appear as a jovial cheerful bitchy lil girl (things you’ll find in a usual teenage life) who can take everything in her stride but no, I’m not just like that. Friday’s incident just proved it. I’m just trying as hard as I might to literally forgive and forget, but it’s not easy. It really made me appreciate the people who has been there for me during that rough time. As much as I don’t want to think about it anymore, it just keeps coming back. It haunts me. It makes me question myself even more than I already drill myself with. I’m the kind of person who treasures relationships with people who really matter to me. I don’t know what to think when your own friends think it’s funny to laugh at my funeral. Is that going to be the scenario? That people laughing at my loss?? I want to believe that it’s my friends who are just joking. I want to. I don’t know how life is going to be like the next ten weeks? Do you know how I look at it?? That my friends hate me so much, they just can’t be happier that I’m dead. Do you know how much it breaks me inside? I know I keep smiling and pretending to be ok, but I am not. I am not. I have never felt more alone in the world at that point in time than anything else. It’s not fair to think like that, especially when they have apologized but I cannot forget. It hurts.

What were you doing at that point in time when I needed my supposed friends?? Where were you?? Did you give a heck? Did you shrug it off? Did you really care about how I felt?? Was your thought ‘Ah faith is just being her usual dramatic self, exaggerating things? It’s ok, she’ll be fine.’ ? Do you know how low I felt at that point in time? I thought I was never going to be able to bounce back up again? I know I seem jolly, it’s just a facade. Do you think every laugh I laughed was truly funny? Do you think I was happy?? How many nights I cried myself to sleep ever since? Y’know what scares me the most. Even people whom I have only acquainted seem to care even more than my friends did. How many text messages that came in from people who barely knew me?? I’m sorry to say but I am disappointed in having friends like you.

Do y’know how hard it is trying to be me? Do you know all the insecurities that I have? Do you have the expectations that you have to meet – from your own self and from others? Do you know how much I hate myself when I can’t meet my own expectations? Do you know how much I resent myself for wanting to do a certain action which is not approved? Do you know the conflicts I’m facing in my own head? Do you know what it is like to be me?? It’s not fair to say all these but I’m not having it easy either. I might not have the toughest life but I’m only human.

I hate having to put up a strong front when all I want to do is to cry. I know I seem tough, I’m not. I can take nonsense, I can take what life throws me but there’s always a limit to how much someone can take, isn’t it? I just can’t hold on to it anymore.

Desire

I’m just willing myself not to cry.

I don’t understand why people tell me to shut up singing the musical songs after it’s over. Does it mean that if I’m dead, people won’t talk about me anymore? Does it mean that once I’m dead, I’m treated like I never/I didn’t even existed anymore? So what if it’s my first production, I don’t know. Is this what everyone calls passion? So if I’ve performed a certain song, I stop singing it forever?

I think I’m just feeling a little sentimental. Feeling what I call, the PMS (Post-Musical Syndrome). I don’t know. Five months is quite a lot of time to spend on a production. Spending almost every single day either singing or dancing or acting. We endure scoldings from Zaini together, listening to Jeffrey changing his direction every single rehearsal and Irene going through the songs all over again and again. It’s not just cause the musical is over, then life moves on. I don’t know. I can’t seem to just snap back like y’all back to life just because the musical is over. I lived, I breathed that song. Every single day I had to rehearse my parts. And yet, people expect me to snap out of it.

Wise men say only fools rush in.

Today’s been a busy day. Was so tired yesterday that immediately after watching The X Factor, I went to sleep. I had to wake up early for dance with Zaini for Makanplace at 10AM. I met Renu at CWP Macs at 930am and upon finishing b’fast, we headed to school with Hafiz.

Dance was slightly better than usual cuz it was the opening but since I’m doing the guy part which I’m still unsure of, Zaini asked me to internalise it which I plan to do before the next rehearsal on Monday. One thing he said during rehearsal really impacted me. We were asked to do the opening dance alone (less people we can follow) and it was kinda awkward cuz I had to interact with random people. Then he asked me, ‘Faith, can I ask you a personal question?’ And I mean I can’t say no, so I nodded. ‘What do you see yourself doing in ten years?’ I didn’t want to answer. I was scared everyone would judge me. ‘Do you see yourself performing?’ And it was the very thing that I literally live for. I nodded. ‘Do you like performing? Do you want to do it?’ And of course there was only one answer, I said yes. ‘Faith you have a great voice. You have one of the greatest voice that I have ever heard. But there’s smth you’re holding back, smth inside you. I don’t see you enjoying the dance, you seem so caught up with the steps. You can go very far.’ Smth along that line. I was like ‘Wow I didn’t know that’s what he thought of me’ I mean I always thought I was a nobody in his eyes. Like just some other person who can sing. But not to that extent.

I’m not going to be going all almighty or haughty because it will change me as a person. It will make me proud and really not humble. I must remember that no matter how famous I become, I must always remember my roots and who helped me throughout this journey. I mean I must always thank the people who’s make me, me. I don’t want to see myself as famous but unlikable. Like a superstar that everyone who’s backstage hates. I want to be someone that everyone inspires to be.

Also, I think one thing I learn throughout the years is to learn to take criticism and learn from there. It’s important to hear what others think of you and not be delusional about who you think you are. If many people say that you have a certain flaw you might consider to take out when you perform, you should work on it. But not go all defensive and give reasons for everything you do. No matter how good you are, there is always going to be someone better. It’s great to have confidence but NEVER be over-confident.

One last thing I learnt from Atiqah today. Don’t change yourself or don’t try too hard to fit in. If you don’t fit in somewhere, it means you’re different. It might not be necessarily a bad difference but that you’re special to stand alone. Why be a follower when you can be a leader? That I shouldn’t get too affected that people don’t want me with them. Also I shouldn’t worry if people hates me or not. As long as I don’t do bad things or that I’m overly proud and things along that line. It’s normal to have people who hate you cuz if you’re popular and no one hates you, it’s kinda weird. And if people hate you, it means that there’s smth about you that people envy.

Days like this, I want to drive away.

Okay, I know it’s pathetic to run away when smth goes wrong. But it’s kinda a normal reaction cuz your body either takes flight or fight. Y’know there are just times when you just can’t be strong anymore to hold the fort you’re expected to hold. You just wanna run away from all the bad things that’s been happening and you just wished so hard that it’s just your mother who’s telling you everything is okay and you’re just having a bad nightmare and everything will go away soon. But it’s not.

I don’t know where to start. I don’t know how to put the feelings I’m feeling right now into words. I don’t know how to start. It’s like I’ve always been searching for that sentence to start but since it has never come, then I don’t start at all. I hate feeling this way. A whirl of emotions, that is.

Is this considered bullying? Or may be it’s my over reaction again? Y’know it does hurt so much to feel that you’re being left out from a group on purpose; that feeling of unwantedness, that feeling of not being good enough, that feeling of loneliness. I feel so guilty about what I have put other people through when I ostracised them before. I didn’t consider what they felt when I did that to them. It hurts. It fucking hurts. You’ll never understand it unless you’re facing it. Stop telling me not to think about it cuz it’s not as easy as you say it is. Talking is one thing while carrying it out is a totally different thing.

I’m not stupid. I know how to read signs when you’re left out in a group cuz I’m insecure like that. Don’t bloody patronise me or lie to me when you have no damn intention to include me in the first place. I really appreciate it even more if you just tell me to my face and I’ll get it. I’m not so thick skinned that if I’m not welcome, I’ll insist on getting a place there. I’m not like that. I won’t go where I’m not welcomed. Get this right.

P/S: I’m sorry for ranting here. I’m saying this in anger. You might feel insulted but just know I’m on such an emotional whirl now I just speak my mind. Just don’t judge me. Get lost if you don’t want to feel insulted. 

Bulletproof.

Had a meeting with le Zaini on Tuesday after NDOC and it was well, motivational. For me, at least.

Let’s talk about NDOC. I’ve only got one thing to say. It was fantabulous! I was still nervous (like duh) but I totally got outta it and tried connecting with the audience. I looked stupid but I think I managed to connect with the audience. My band was really great and I’m truly honoured to be able to perform with them. It wasn’t supposed to be my time to perform but I thank the seniors for giving me the chance:)

I think the thing I really took out from this would be the things I’ve learnt during the time I got stressed – stage presence. No matter how shy I was to break out from that shell to talk to the audience, I did it. It’s a step towards being a better performer. It might not have been the best but it’s a milestone for me:) I constantly remind myself that every single time I perform, be it for internals or other performances, I am going to take down one flaw from my performance. It will not be perfect, it’ll never be perfect but it’ll be one of the best I’ve ever done and will ever do.

Zaini came to talk to replug about some issues and I also questioned myself about it. It brought me back to the times where I was in council and GB and we had to brainstorm about so many things; which direction we want to go, how are we going to do that. It looks simple but it requires so much thought put into it. I really admire those who really think about where the organisation should go and the like. And, I kinda took up a role in Replug, unofficial but I think I want to try that. I have Shafiq’s and Hafidz’s promise to help me with it:)

With power comes great responsibility

xo

We used to be…

We used to be best friends

Isn’t that a familiar line? I think friendship means nothing to people now. Friends? Who are they? Do you even know what that means? Isn’t it funny how people you used to spend so much time with, seem to be a stranger to you right now? You guys don’t talk anymore; you have resort to using Facebook or Twitter to stalk them to find out how they are getting on with their lives ever since you’ve parted ways.

I don’t know about you but I feel so sad that all these are happening. You guys claim to be the best of friends, but why are all these happening? It’s good that you have more friends, but is it right to only come looking for your so called friends only when you have trouble? I don’t know.

I try to keep in contact with my friends. Even though I tend to neglect them at times, but y’know, trying to keep these things called friendships going is so difficult now. I try to text y’all but all I get is cold replies. Or maybe replies a few days later? Don’t try to tell me you don’t check your phone because that is probably a lie.

You might think those friends that you used to hang out with are no longer worth talking to anymore right now, you’re just going to regret and ask yourself later in life ‘What the hell happened?’ but by then, it’s too late.

xo

Roses are red, Violets are blue.

My Ignite Tag

In case you don’t know what Ignite is, it’s this platform which RP organised where local bands in Singapore would be performing for. I especially loved 53A’s gig. I went to check them out after the Ignite Music Festival 2012 and they’re really good. I’m like ‘How could I not have known about them?’ after checking out their videos. Also, one of my goals is to perform on Ignite’s stage!! It’ll be such a great honour to perform alongside with all the other talented people.

My job there was to assist the monitor engineer by noting down where the 7 monitors are to placed for each band, as well as to help the mic ops to place the mics. It was tiring, but nevertheless, it was a great experience. (Have I mentioned that I look smokin’ in the black attire + walkie talkie and a headset!). As a musician/vocalist, you really don’t know how much work is put up backstage to ensure you have the maximum experience onstage. The stage crew’s eyes are present there not to enjoy the show after setting up for you, but to note if anything goes wrong and to immediately provide assistance. I really don’t know how some bands (I shall not name names) can turn out to be so arrogant just because they’re famous/popular when they are really dependent on the stage crew/sound engineers. I promise to be nice to the crew when I am out for performances, they deserve more credit for the things they do, honestly. Hopefully, I’ll be watchful of my attitude.

GB Day 2011

I woke up early today to head down to GM to catch the girls in their GB uniforms for GB Day! Caught up with some of the teachers and truly, I miss GM so much even though there are things that I wished could become better. I miss the togetherness of the school – how everyone is so much closer, how you’ll know everyone by the end of your school life there, how it is like family there. Maybe it only happens for my school, but I kinda miss that feeling a lot.

When I was in GM, every single day I prayed I will get out of there soon. But right now, all I want to do is go back and be in the presence of the teachers who nag whenever you don’t submit your homework. Now, you’re in charge of your own learning so if you don’t bother, no one else is going to. As I grow older everyday, people will be expecting more from you. It sucks how your little actions you do or words you say become taken seriously and you’ll get judged for it. It sucks how grades are based on whether the facilitator likes you or the amount of work they deem is satisfiable for an A. Sometimes you’re the one who did everything but hell, you get the worst grade of the group.

Another thing I feel that it’s sad would be my commitment to GB. I find it so pathetic when I look at the video played today and how much I’ve been missing in the past 6 months. For the past 9 years in my life, I have faithfully attended every Enrolment Service and this year, I broke the record. I used to attend GB every week regularly + extra days to prepare for  the activities. It sucks to find out that I cannot be bothered to head back to HQ just for once a month. It’s pretty pathetic how I used to do so much for GB yet now, I’m no longer serving faithfully even tho I promised. It feels weird to go back to somewhere I grew up in and realised that you feel awkward you don’t belong. One thing hit me this morning tho and it’s making me think if I should reconsider my decision to totally remove the whole part of GB from my life altogether.

Once a GB girl, always a GB girl.

 

Sleeping makes me forget everything

I’m so glad that when I get into a deep sleep, without having any dreams throughout the night, the intense emotions/feelings that I had in me before I sleep seemed to have faded away. Got knocked back into my senses by everyone else around me and they’re right. I need to not let things affect me so easily.

I don’t feel angry/upset anymore. I shouldn’t waste all time thinking about people who make me angry/upset/feelings of negativity but think about things I can do with people who never fail to make me smile. I need to be the ‘I don’t a give a fuck about what you think, I’m just going to do what I want’ faith again, not someone who keeps wanting to be the nice girl and give in to what everyone wants me to do. It’s time to stand up for myself (in a good way, of course!)

In this life, there’s no way I can ever please everyone, but I can always please myself. xo

Amazing how events can unfold so quickly in a span of few days.

The last thing I want anyone to do is to snatch anything from me; friends seem to be the most common, followed by the spotlight. Funny how one moment you can be the best of friends, the next you won’t even think you are going to speak to her for the rest of your life.

#TGIF It’s Friday and the week is finally over + my weekends are no longer taken up by people so I am kinda free to do pretty much what I want over these two days. I just want to nua around at home, maybe cook some dishes for dinner, sleep, dance, sing; practically do whatever I want. Guess after having to give to so many people, I deserve some ‘me’ time with myself.

However, before I get my ‘me’ time, I need to complete my list of #Thingstodo:

  • Update my schedule/organiser
  • Swimming + Badminton
  • Collate notes
  • Complete evaluation for facilitators
  • Pack my table + shelf + throw away things I don’t need
  • Stop feeling so negative

The main point is not to update you about my life because it’s such a monotonous life I’m living, I came here to rant. I need an outlet to say my piece. It’s a method to control my anger or else I’ll end up bursting at the person or else someone else who’s unlucky enough to catch me at the wrong time. I sound like some no-life whiny little girl but I’m really angry at whatever has been happening. Honestly, I don’t know how to start.

Liking someone is not something I can control, even if I wished to, it still comes. Falling easily for people is my weakness, it’s not something to be proud of and it’s not easy to deal with. I have to keep telling myself it’s just another infatuation, another crush, another someone who don’t even know you exist. I feel so stupid feeling the way I do all the time – I keep thinking about a certain person whether I like it or not. I hate succumbing to my own feelings because I don’t even trust my own judgement anymore, it just makes its own decision, make me feel a certain way, things keep happening over and over again, in the same cycle and I get humiliated a hundred times over. I wished all these would just stopped and leave me alone. I rather be alone than hurt many times over. I just wished I had some say in my own affairs of the heart but no, it’s not giving me a chance to.

To you:

Please stop treating me like a fool already. Because I know whatever is going on. I do. Stop hiding it from people because we can see it. I’m not some stupid fucktard where I don’t know what’s going on. Why do you think I left that night when we were walking to the station together? You like him, he likes you. Your two other friends knew it and were nudging you to speak to him, but I was there, and you used your eyes to hint your friend to shut up. But glad for you, I walked away. Now, I heard you two are going to be dating. And you broke up with your boyfriend just because of that.

I just wished someone would have the courtesy to tell me something was going on between the both of you so I’ll back off. But no, I was left there guided by my own feelings, behaving a fucking moron and y’all just stood there watching all this unfold in front of you. I’m not sad cos I didn’t get to be with him or whatever the fuck it is. He is not worth it anyway. I learnt many important lessons: “Throughout everything, I’ve learnt never to let my hopes go high, always expect disappointments or what have you.” I’m pissed because no one told me. I feel so fucking humiliated, embarrassed with nowhere to hide my face in.

But guess what? I’m kinda glad you’re going to be together with him because it just showed me what a nice friend you can be. It opened up my eyes to seeing who are my friends really were – people who pretended to be concerned but in fact, they just stood there watching. It just showed me what you’re capable of. You’re a fucking two faced bitch, fucking hypocrite that I can’t stand to even make conversation with you.

One more thing, I learnt to give away my old toys to the less fortunate.

You don’t know how I feel

I’m so tired from everything that’s been going on – school, life’s troubles.

Spent my entire afternoon with my last UT1 Paper (Amen!) & the rest of the evening at The Makan Place dance rehearsal;) Let’s just say the UT papers were manageable, having not fully prepared for it. I didn’t really have time to write long answers, but I think it’s pretty much fine. I just want to score for at least 3/4 of the paper *cross fingers*

Today’s rehearsal was more of conditioning and finishing up the opening dance! Fuck conditioning, I swear. My entire body is aching and this is only the beginning. Sang, danced the entire evening and I must say it’s an awesome workout. Even though it’s torturing, I am actually looking forward to the next session;)

My day started off badly, but guess it ended pretty well. I just need to get through tomorrow and it’ll be a breeze on friday. I can finally take that rest that has been long overdued for three weeks already. I’m currently on zombie mode and I haven’t been talking. I’m so tired, my eyelids are so droopy, I just want my bed.

I’m getting so frustrated with my feelings. Cos I don’t know whether to feel this way or not. Maybe it’s true my hopes are getting pinned too high but I can’t help but just think about a you and a me. I wished I didn’t feel this way, but the more I don’t want it to, the more it just comes and overwhelm me.

It gets to me at times. I just wished I have enough self-control to do this.

I’ve got something they don’t?

Guess I couldn’t concentrate in writing my RJ cos I’m feeling very emotional. I think I’m going to break down very soon. I haven’t spoken much to people, I’ve been ostracising myself from everyone I know, I’ve been anti-social. I seem to appear fine on the outside, but you don’t know/have no idea how I feel inside. Just a moment ago, I felt like I had another family, but now I feel like I’m an outcast. There’s this weird circle around me where people are starting to leave me out in their social conversations, I can’t help but feel really upset/insecure about it. I don’t think I’m being paranoid, cos I think that’s the truth. The truth hurts. I can’t help but feel left out, that’s why I chose to leave. It’s not that I didn’t have fun or I regret joining, but somehow I’m left out there.

No one wants me.

Stuck in reverse

When you try your best but you don’t succeed; you get what you want but not what you need.

That line’s been playing in my head over and over again. Today is officially the third day of school after our 2 weeks “study break” of which I did not even touch my books for one bit. Had so many activities, camps, rehearsals for the entire two weeks. Some of which I did enjoy myself very much, some of which I did not. But I’m glad it’s over.

I hate having to make decisions over things I both love. Decisions that will lead to different paths. I hate making life-changing decisions. It’s good I made it into the auditions. But now, I can’t decide which I’m staying in. I’ve been racking my brains over it so much, I’m tired of people telling what I should or should not do.

All I can say.. I’m probably stretching myself too thinly again.

xo

I’m a REPLUGIO

What am I s’pposed to do when the best part of me is always you? What am I s’pposed to say when I’m all choked up and you’re okay yea? I’m falling to pieces, yea.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

Although I’m s’pposed to head down to school for some music theory lesson kinda thing, I’m quite lazy to move seeing that I live in the east and my school’s in Woodlands. And I’ll be the only vocalist there while the rest are musicians. I feel so out-of-place. Le sigh.

Just ended Replug camp last week, and to be honest, I really miss it. It’s the best camp I’ve ever been to, and I don’t have times that I’m falling asleep because of talks, boring games or meaningless programmes. I saw another side to the people, which are really different from the first impressions that I had of them. And ever since I’ve been in the Members Only group, I’m enjoying the statuses they post up there. I’m finally able to say that: ‘I’M PROUD TO BE A REPLUGIO’

xoxo

Don’t you realised I decided to push you out from my life? Don’t you realised I’m good at doing that? I don’t need someone like you in my life; I need someone there for me no matter what. I don’t want you as a bf, but I don’t even want you as a friend even more. You just proved to me you’re not what I expected you to be anyway. In any case, I’m glad to be rid of you.

Absence does make the heart grow fonder.

Doesn’t God’s handiworks look ever so amazing?

Been looking forward to this day since forever, where I finally met up with people whom I missed so much;)

It’s like when you get to see everyone every single day, you seem to take their presence for granted. But when we are all parted into going our different paths in life, you always pine for the days that are now just  memories. When you finally meet up, you seem to have many things to say to one another.

It was like that for us yesterday; we were watching Shakespeare in the Park: The Twelfth Night play and I have to say it was really funny and awesome. Adrian Pang was the bomb, even though he is not playing the lead role, I would have to say no one would be able to play his role better than him. He has a great voice, I must say.

I shall stop here, and let the pictures do the talking;) xoxo

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

Nostalgia

Don’t cha wish time would just slow down, let you catch up with everyone before they move on again? I have no idea why I’m feeling so depressed now; just by looking at the pictures on my timeline, I am tearing up. Again.

The few pictures we all have together. Look where we are at right now. Just stop, and look. Have you forgotten how I laugh? Or the fact that I love to sing? Or maybe my flaws have already influenced your mind to forget about this old friend of yours. I miss y’all very much. I miss the times we used to walk down to the canteen #likeaboss, and the times where we just break into the chorus of a song.

At the time when I broke down, I wished every single one of you were there with me. I wished I had those reassuring words I had taken for granted, or those hugs I thought would always be there. xo

One of the people I missed the most. You’re one of the closest; someone I felt was truly my soul sister. Someone who understood mostly what I was going through, someone who gave me advice, someone who’ll lend me her shoulder to cry on, someone who’ll offer her free hugs, someone who’ll camwhore with me. xoxo

I really missed the times I had with everyone of you! You girls are like my family; especially those whom I’ve grown with. I miss the feeling of warmth, acceptance, love from you girls! It’s like I have this family, who never left. xo

I miss you dudes the most! I was looking at all the videos we had, I was laughing away. I couldn’t believe how little things like these could make us smile, or the lamest things we could do just to entertain ourselves. We might be a lil eccentric, but we love each other all the same! I spent the best four years of my life growing up with you girls, I can’t wait to see y’all again. It’s like when we could see each other everyday, we were just ‘Hi, Bye’ but now that we have all gone different paths, look at the endless conversations, encouragements we give to each other. xo

Another family in school; the Student Council. This is somewhere I didn’t expect myself to end up in. I’m one of the most rebellious people, God knows why MrKang still accepted me into the council. However, it showed what different things faith could do.  I don’t think I would have become the leader I am, or the things I’m capable of. I miss hearing all the laughter from the SC room, or maybe the random dance we learn. Maybe camwhoring would be another thing. I don’t know who I would have become without these people supporting me at the back from whatever I’m doing. xoxo

I miss jamming with y’all. Really. Although we look otherwise, I think we’re cool. I really miss all the lame things Alvin would come up with, or some cheeky face that Hung would make. I really miss y’all so much, I miss how the atmosphere feel around you guys. You guys never fail to put that smile on my face, or make me feel like I do have something I can be proud of. Because you guys had faith in me. xoxo

Can you believe this? I even miss how the guys would tease me; for everything. Especially Harris and Nhavin. I miss the times during Chemistry, and Chinese where we’ll be crapping away at the back. Talking nonsense, playing poker with polaroids. I don’t know what else y’all are capable of. I miss all the teasing. xoxo

I might have left out certain people, but it’s simply impossible for me to list out everyone. Whatever I wrote here is an understatement, because the things you guys have done is simply indescribable.

No matter how bright my future seems, it’s the people from the past who mould me to become who I am today.

Things to give thanks for.

  1. Getting into Round 1 of REPLUG auditions
  2. Getting into Round 2 of REPLUG auditions
  3. Getting into RHAPSODY
  4. Getting into the Round 1 of the musical
  5. Making new friends in a new environment
  6. Getting appreciated for things
  7. Appreciating old friends even more

There’s so many things to thank God for. But I don’t think I have time to touch on everything. God has been really good to me; His faithfulness never fails. Just when I thought He has forgotten about me, He surprises me with His miracles. All my life I have been failing umpteen auditions/interviews, but look where has His gift brought me.

I got accepted into 2 IGs I genuinely did not think I would have made through because of their standards. I got into the first round of the Musical auditions – and this was really unexpected. I mean, I can’t act even though I’m so dramatic. I screwed up the singing part of the audition which I knew I could have done better. I love dancing, but I look atrocious when I do. Things that I didn’t think would happen, did happen. I don’t know if it’s too early to be happy about anything. But I am already grateful for already coming this far. I just hope it’ll get better and better, but I know He has a purpose for me. I might not be able to succeed now, but who knows in the future?

Acceptance – a new word that I learn the meaning of. Accepting people for not only their strengths, but their flaws as well. Being accepted feels great, something that I truly felt only at this point in my life. I want to make people feel great/accepted for who they are around me. I want to help everyone feel the meaning of acceptance, even at the littlest moment in their life.

Whoever we are assigned with, I feel that we should embrace their flaws and make use of their strengths. No one person is perfect. In the working environment in the future, you don”t get to choose who your bosses are, who your colleagues are, who your clients are. Whatever the character they come with, you just have to learn to adapt to the circumstances.

Simplicity.

I feel the same way.

Reflective Recollections;

I thank God for people who wake me up when I fall asleep on the mrt upon reaching Pasir Ris. I wouldn’t know what to do without such a small act of kindness.

Well, school hasn’t been that tiring. But mentally? Yes. Mentally it has been. It’s sometimes like a tough battle daily. Tough battle with myself at times even. Too many decisions, too much crazy feelings and thoughts. I seriously need to take a chill pill sometimes. I have no idea why I’m so tough on myself sometimes.

I don’t feel much of myself. I miss being fun. I miss skipping around halls. I miss saying hi and stopping to make little conversations to people. Skip around in poly and you’ll just be.. weird. It’s too big. I miss a small community where it feels like home. But sometimes it is okay to not feel at home right? Then you…

View original post 34 more words

I’m here without you

Still waiting for Charmaine to get her RJ over and done with! Rhapsody was the bomb tonight;) I’m so excited to go for the auditions on the 8th, after having REPLUG’s auditions on the 7th. Talking about the audition, I have no confidence about it. It’s like so rushed, we barely have time to practise but I have to say that my band mates are kinda great, especially after the random jamming after practice!:) I love resinging old songs – ‘Superman‘ by Five for Fighting, ‘I’m Yours‘ by Jason Mraz, ‘Bubbly‘ by Colbie Caillat, ‘Hero‘ by Enrique. It was kinda mash-up/medley, and it feels so great to be amongst people who love music as much as me.

If you stop thinking about something, you will get it. – Andy Warhol

I think that quote is so true; it speaks so much in my life. Every single time I’m done thinking something is over, it has to come and surprise me with something good. I don’t want to expect much again, because it will go ahead and disappoint me all the time, like it always do. So I’m just going to let nature take its course, let things go its own way, and I’m going to ignore what everyone says.

Cos what matters most is what my heart says, not what my head says.

Love.

Should I just sit back and wait for love to come and strike me before making a move back?

I’m tired of waiting, expecting and be disappointed that none of the things I ever wanted for myself would come true. I hate the feeling of feeling so unattractive, feeling like I’m worth absolutely no one’s attention, feeling like a loser all the time. I want someone who will be there for me, I want someone to shower me with love/attention, I want someone to make me feel like I’m appreciated for everything.

I have many eye-candies, but it’s only meant for viewing purposes. They are just unrealistic choices that I make for a prospective boyfriend. I can get all madly in love for that someone, but he doesn’t even notice. He doesn’t even know just looking at him is already enough.

I want to do things couple do; taking lots of pictures, going on lots of dates, doing all the things we’re passionate about but haven’t experience before together – travelling, dancing, learning a new language. I want someone who’ll wake up just to prepare me a morning breakfast, someone who’ll come all the way to fetch me even though it’s out of the way, someone who’ll fight just to have me. I want to bake for someone when it’s his birthday, to do cards for him to remind him he’s not alone in all he do, to go on berry picking and end up feeding each other what we picked. I want to take crazy pictures with him, do things with him, just spend time with someone whom I never thought existed in my entire life. It’s highly impossible, but I want to pretend it’ll happen. This would only happen in dramas and fairytales, but I just hope for once, a fairytale will unfold in my life and I play the lead in it.

It’s not wrong to dream a lil wilder, expect a lil more, love a lil fiercer, but now, it just feels like I’m hurt over and over again. Not because of anyone else, but myself. This is not called being desperate for a boyfriend, this is just trying to find another person who makes me his everything. I’m not the most attractive girl in the world, with the best personality. But at least, I’m true to myself and my beliefs, I stand up for what I support, and I support those who love me. I don’t want to become someone else for another being to love me, I want to be loved for being me. I want someone who loves my smiles and my frowns, someone who’ll become jealous when he feels insecure, someone who loves me just the way I am.

Maybe I just expect too much; and like what others say, maybe I should just wait and see what happens.

God knows we’re hurting

Don’t know why I just can’t sleep. Seems like I have too many things in my mind, and my head won’t go to rest until it has gotten everything from my heart out.

So let’s see. When I obviously have so many things in my life that are worth to be sad for, I chose to push it away and focus on things that make me happy.

Things that make me happy

  • When I see myself motivated to complete the worksheet
  • When I receive good comments from facilitators
  • When people appreciate my voice
  • When I’m with my favourite people – Dani & Sarah
  • When I’m camwhoring
  • When I’m finally home after all the travelling

Things that make me sad/angry:

  • Having classmates who don’t do their share of work
  • Having facilitators who don’t do the things they’re s’pposed to do but pick on the students instead
  • When I get hungry and cranky
  • When I can’t sleep when I’m supposed to
  • When people don’t reply my texts
  • When people take me for granted
  • When I have a sore throat and I can’t sing
  • When I’m late for something
  • When old friends forget about me
  • When someone else becomes more important than me

Here are some of the things in a list that I’ve  created:) I feel like a whiny child when I do the last list, but it does help to get things out.

The  fact/thought of meeting up with fellow team seven friends just hanging out, or doing our RJs together always make me look forward to going to school. I don’t have much interaction with my classmates; some might think I’m too loud, some might think I’m too outspoken or attention-seeking but hey, who cares? As long as I don’t overdo it, I don’t think anyone has the right to bother with who I wanna be. I love hanging out with my favourite people after school because we’ll talk of the day’s happenings and updates about guys!;)

Do you know how frustrating it is; to want to be the best, putting your best yet not attaining the results that you want. Sometimes I wonder if all the effort I put in will ever be seen by the facilitator; they might think its just for show, but all I want to prove is that I’m hardworking and determined to get the top marks for my modules. I’m not trying to be a show off-er, a bossy person but all I am is a student who just wants the best for herself.