Uninteresting Caption I

I think one thing that really gets to me from blogging would be the pain of having to come up with amazing captions that draw people. I honestly don’t know how some people can come up with interesting captions with a snap of my finger. On another note, the last post was filled with so much anger & rants that I wrote at 2AM in the morning (which I still think it’s justified) except for the fact no one prolly can read it since I locked with a password I don’t know myself.

So… I’ve been busy with rehearsals for President’s Star Charity 2013 but honestly I don’t feel like I’ve been doing much, considering that the item we’re doing is really against my principle (as in, not the song itself) but I think it’s inappropriate to talk about it here (these are things I can only keep to myself sigh) but I really hate hate hate what I’m being forced to do. I don’t feel as motivated for this show but I will still put in my best. In any case, I still had fun – meeting up with one of my fav group of people. Really missed the times we spent tgt every single day for fitting, for rehearsals, for vocal training, for dance, for radio interview, for press conferences. I missed the boot camp but when I finally find the time, I might compile them into a blog entry.

IMG_1995Our very first rehearsal for the show | Credits to Rozz for the photo 🙂

IMG_1996

My messy hair & the gang with our amazing vocal coach (whom I also found out to be a really amazing photographer), Hazrul

IMG_2150Taken during rehearsals on set this afternoon | Credits to Ashley for the amazing angle 🙂

Realized my blog has been too much words & too little photos (hahaha) and I’ve finally found the time to compile those photos from the phone so yes, look out for more photos that were long overdued. I’ve also a post set aside for the gig I did at Ocean Financial Centre which will also be on my other blog – http://faithjiaen.blogspot.sg – which I started when I was in The Final 1. My ladies from Replug did the banners for those & they’re so preetz, which was why I couldn’t bear to close the blog down even tho I was out of the competition.

And I was told I’m Replug’s REFLECTIONS show’s SM (which stands for stage manager) which is a pretty huge role, considering the amount of pressure I actually face right now. I’m literally cramming my head & crossing my fingers I won’t ruin the show. Just completed the bump in & in the midst of sorting my stage cues… Full dress rehearsals for PSC tmr – which means I get all dolled up – which means I should head to bed soon. School’s starting but that’s for another day.

That’s all I have for now but if you find yourself missing me, check out my Facebook page (http://facebook.com/faithjiaen), my Twitter (http://twitter.com/faithjiaen), my Instagram (http://instagram.com/faithjiaen) or drop me some interesting questions on my Ask.fm (http://ask.fm/faithjiaen) I hope I have time to update those sites as well 😉 Ciao! xx

Aspirations.

Always felt like I have the urge to blog then losing it over and over again. I have so many drafts; I feel like I have so many things to say but I don’t know where to start. I don’t want to blog just because I just want to fill the space up, but I want to blog meaningful posts during milestones in my life. Or when I have thoughts in my head that I want it to be heard but no one will listen to them.

I used to care what people think about me. Like a lot. I mean, I still do. That will be a part of me that will be hard to fully get rid of. I always used to do things because it will mean that I will please/fit in with friends or maybe what I call ‘friends’. I used to be insecure about myself (I probably still am) but it’s definitely a lot lesser. I learnt to love myself more, to do things because I want to but not because someone else wants me to. That shouldn’t have been the way I led my life. It’s my life after all. Not anyone else’s.

It’s not just about superficial insecurity. Like being afraid of dressing the way you are. I mean, that will definitely be sticking around for a long long time. I don’t exactly have the perfect figure – I probably am leaning to the slightly overweight side. I don’t have the nicest feature – my hair is probably the worst created. It’s not about wearing the most fashionable clothes or having the best make up, because after all, it’s only superficial. What I am referring to is about being insecure about who you are inside. I know everyone has those issues. I’m pretty sure everyone faces them but I don’t want to be insecure about how I am inside. I know what I am made of, I know who I want to be and that should be the most important thing. I should not be influenced by people who says that ‘Maybe you should do this’ or ‘Maybe you should do that’. I feel that the things I am doing because I want to do it. I’m already a grown up. The things that I am doing should be because I want to, not because someone forced me to.

I was just watching Glee and wondering who I am similar to in there. Not just about the talent or the things I can do, but the character inside of them and inside of me. It is not lame that I am using that to compare myself and my life because I am somehow still confused about whom I want to be. I know I want to be a singer, a performer but so many times I have been stopped and was told that I am not good enough. I have always thought that I would be like Rachel Berry. People always always tell me that I am so similar to her as well. But it’s not just about how she behaves – how annoying she used to be, how pushy or stuck up she seems to be. I feel like both of us have like the same (I just cannot emphasise how much!) character, but I am not as extreme as her. But I literally aspire to be as extreme as her. It’s just how she is so motivated ALL the time despite her setbacks. She has always known what she wants to do and she works towards it no matter what it takes. Whenever she sings, I get the shivers. She has the soul, the passion. Everything that a singer would want.

“You have a nice voice.” 
“I wished I could sing like you.”
People always tell me things like that. But I don’t believe it. I don’t find myself being extremely happy about it because I doubt myself. I doubt what I can do. Y’know it didn’t start from young? I wasn’t born to be a singer. I couldn’t sing before. To be honest, I didn’t used to be able to hit notes or pitch perfectly. I couldn’t even make it into choir in primary school. Anyone who knew me then always wanted to throw sticks and stones (they still do now, but for a totally different reason) because I just sucked at it so bad. But God is great. It’s just a miracle how I started getting better and found different sides to my voice and now here I am. It’s not exactly great; every single minute I aspire to be someone even better but it’s not easy.

But I still don’t find that I have the voice that will stick out (in a good way) or that it’s special on its very own. There’s so many things that I lack but I know I want to do this. I love the stage. I love that the fact that I have people who will be doing things for me, like I am treated like a princess. I love that I am in the light of all the attention, the care. I love that single spotlight on me when I sing, when everyone’s attention is on no one, but me. Yes, it can be scary when you think about it but I love leaving the stage, feeling like I have it all.

It’s just so difficult for me because I know I am not pretty enough or I am not as strong a vocalist as so many other people out there. It’s just so amazing how some people are just so good and you’re left there, wondering how sad your life is. It’s a hard world and I don’t know where to start being better than anyone there.

But I know who I want to be. I won’t let anyone say I can’t do otherwise.

x

Scared.

Y’know how afraid I am of facing the same things over and over again?? I’m scared of losing friends. I’m scared of so many things that I just wished it would all go away. I wished I could just run away, never have to think about the things that I am running away from??  I am so scared and all the time I just want to cry when I face them but deep down I have to keep telling myself to be strong. I have faced so many setbacks, I am shaken so badly but no, I put on a brave front in front of everyone else. All the things that happened made me the person I am today.

On the outside, I appear as a jovial cheerful bitchy lil girl (things you’ll find in a usual teenage life) who can take everything in her stride but no, I’m not just like that. Friday’s incident just proved it. I’m just trying as hard as I might to literally forgive and forget, but it’s not easy. It really made me appreciate the people who has been there for me during that rough time. As much as I don’t want to think about it anymore, it just keeps coming back. It haunts me. It makes me question myself even more than I already drill myself with. I’m the kind of person who treasures relationships with people who really matter to me. I don’t know what to think when your own friends think it’s funny to laugh at my funeral. Is that going to be the scenario? That people laughing at my loss?? I want to believe that it’s my friends who are just joking. I want to. I don’t know how life is going to be like the next ten weeks? Do you know how I look at it?? That my friends hate me so much, they just can’t be happier that I’m dead. Do you know how much it breaks me inside? I know I keep smiling and pretending to be ok, but I am not. I am not. I have never felt more alone in the world at that point in time than anything else. It’s not fair to think like that, especially when they have apologized but I cannot forget. It hurts.

What were you doing at that point in time when I needed my supposed friends?? Where were you?? Did you give a heck? Did you shrug it off? Did you really care about how I felt?? Was your thought ‘Ah faith is just being her usual dramatic self, exaggerating things? It’s ok, she’ll be fine.’ ? Do you know how low I felt at that point in time? I thought I was never going to be able to bounce back up again? I know I seem jolly, it’s just a facade. Do you think every laugh I laughed was truly funny? Do you think I was happy?? How many nights I cried myself to sleep ever since? Y’know what scares me the most. Even people whom I have only acquainted seem to care even more than my friends did. How many text messages that came in from people who barely knew me?? I’m sorry to say but I am disappointed in having friends like you.

Do y’know how hard it is trying to be me? Do you know all the insecurities that I have? Do you have the expectations that you have to meet – from your own self and from others? Do you know how much I hate myself when I can’t meet my own expectations? Do you know how much I resent myself for wanting to do a certain action which is not approved? Do you know the conflicts I’m facing in my own head? Do you know what it is like to be me?? It’s not fair to say all these but I’m not having it easy either. I might not have the toughest life but I’m only human.

I hate having to put up a strong front when all I want to do is to cry. I know I seem tough, I’m not. I can take nonsense, I can take what life throws me but there’s always a limit to how much someone can take, isn’t it? I just can’t hold on to it anymore.

Bulletproof.

Had a meeting with le Zaini on Tuesday after NDOC and it was well, motivational. For me, at least.

Let’s talk about NDOC. I’ve only got one thing to say. It was fantabulous! I was still nervous (like duh) but I totally got outta it and tried connecting with the audience. I looked stupid but I think I managed to connect with the audience. My band was really great and I’m truly honoured to be able to perform with them. It wasn’t supposed to be my time to perform but I thank the seniors for giving me the chance:)

I think the thing I really took out from this would be the things I’ve learnt during the time I got stressed – stage presence. No matter how shy I was to break out from that shell to talk to the audience, I did it. It’s a step towards being a better performer. It might not have been the best but it’s a milestone for me:) I constantly remind myself that every single time I perform, be it for internals or other performances, I am going to take down one flaw from my performance. It will not be perfect, it’ll never be perfect but it’ll be one of the best I’ve ever done and will ever do.

Zaini came to talk to replug about some issues and I also questioned myself about it. It brought me back to the times where I was in council and GB and we had to brainstorm about so many things; which direction we want to go, how are we going to do that. It looks simple but it requires so much thought put into it. I really admire those who really think about where the organisation should go and the like. And, I kinda took up a role in Replug, unofficial but I think I want to try that. I have Shafiq’s and Hafidz’s promise to help me with it:)

With power comes great responsibility

xo

Roses are red, Violets are blue.

My Ignite Tag

In case you don’t know what Ignite is, it’s this platform which RP organised where local bands in Singapore would be performing for. I especially loved 53A’s gig. I went to check them out after the Ignite Music Festival 2012 and they’re really good. I’m like ‘How could I not have known about them?’ after checking out their videos. Also, one of my goals is to perform on Ignite’s stage!! It’ll be such a great honour to perform alongside with all the other talented people.

My job there was to assist the monitor engineer by noting down where the 7 monitors are to placed for each band, as well as to help the mic ops to place the mics. It was tiring, but nevertheless, it was a great experience. (Have I mentioned that I look smokin’ in the black attire + walkie talkie and a headset!). As a musician/vocalist, you really don’t know how much work is put up backstage to ensure you have the maximum experience onstage. The stage crew’s eyes are present there not to enjoy the show after setting up for you, but to note if anything goes wrong and to immediately provide assistance. I really don’t know how some bands (I shall not name names) can turn out to be so arrogant just because they’re famous/popular when they are really dependent on the stage crew/sound engineers. I promise to be nice to the crew when I am out for performances, they deserve more credit for the things they do, honestly. Hopefully, I’ll be watchful of my attitude.

GB Day 2011

I woke up early today to head down to GM to catch the girls in their GB uniforms for GB Day! Caught up with some of the teachers and truly, I miss GM so much even though there are things that I wished could become better. I miss the togetherness of the school – how everyone is so much closer, how you’ll know everyone by the end of your school life there, how it is like family there. Maybe it only happens for my school, but I kinda miss that feeling a lot.

When I was in GM, every single day I prayed I will get out of there soon. But right now, all I want to do is go back and be in the presence of the teachers who nag whenever you don’t submit your homework. Now, you’re in charge of your own learning so if you don’t bother, no one else is going to. As I grow older everyday, people will be expecting more from you. It sucks how your little actions you do or words you say become taken seriously and you’ll get judged for it. It sucks how grades are based on whether the facilitator likes you or the amount of work they deem is satisfiable for an A. Sometimes you’re the one who did everything but hell, you get the worst grade of the group.

Another thing I feel that it’s sad would be my commitment to GB. I find it so pathetic when I look at the video played today and how much I’ve been missing in the past 6 months. For the past 9 years in my life, I have faithfully attended every Enrolment Service and this year, I broke the record. I used to attend GB every week regularly + extra days to prepare for  the activities. It sucks to find out that I cannot be bothered to head back to HQ just for once a month. It’s pretty pathetic how I used to do so much for GB yet now, I’m no longer serving faithfully even tho I promised. It feels weird to go back to somewhere I grew up in and realised that you feel awkward you don’t belong. One thing hit me this morning tho and it’s making me think if I should reconsider my decision to totally remove the whole part of GB from my life altogether.

Once a GB girl, always a GB girl.

 

Sleeping makes me forget everything

I’m so glad that when I get into a deep sleep, without having any dreams throughout the night, the intense emotions/feelings that I had in me before I sleep seemed to have faded away. Got knocked back into my senses by everyone else around me and they’re right. I need to not let things affect me so easily.

I don’t feel angry/upset anymore. I shouldn’t waste all time thinking about people who make me angry/upset/feelings of negativity but think about things I can do with people who never fail to make me smile. I need to be the ‘I don’t a give a fuck about what you think, I’m just going to do what I want’ faith again, not someone who keeps wanting to be the nice girl and give in to what everyone wants me to do. It’s time to stand up for myself (in a good way, of course!)

In this life, there’s no way I can ever please everyone, but I can always please myself. xo

Amazing how events can unfold so quickly in a span of few days.

The last thing I want anyone to do is to snatch anything from me; friends seem to be the most common, followed by the spotlight. Funny how one moment you can be the best of friends, the next you won’t even think you are going to speak to her for the rest of your life.

#TGIF It’s Friday and the week is finally over + my weekends are no longer taken up by people so I am kinda free to do pretty much what I want over these two days. I just want to nua around at home, maybe cook some dishes for dinner, sleep, dance, sing; practically do whatever I want. Guess after having to give to so many people, I deserve some ‘me’ time with myself.

However, before I get my ‘me’ time, I need to complete my list of #Thingstodo:

  • Update my schedule/organiser
  • Swimming + Badminton
  • Collate notes
  • Complete evaluation for facilitators
  • Pack my table + shelf + throw away things I don’t need
  • Stop feeling so negative

The main point is not to update you about my life because it’s such a monotonous life I’m living, I came here to rant. I need an outlet to say my piece. It’s a method to control my anger or else I’ll end up bursting at the person or else someone else who’s unlucky enough to catch me at the wrong time. I sound like some no-life whiny little girl but I’m really angry at whatever has been happening. Honestly, I don’t know how to start.

Liking someone is not something I can control, even if I wished to, it still comes. Falling easily for people is my weakness, it’s not something to be proud of and it’s not easy to deal with. I have to keep telling myself it’s just another infatuation, another crush, another someone who don’t even know you exist. I feel so stupid feeling the way I do all the time – I keep thinking about a certain person whether I like it or not. I hate succumbing to my own feelings because I don’t even trust my own judgement anymore, it just makes its own decision, make me feel a certain way, things keep happening over and over again, in the same cycle and I get humiliated a hundred times over. I wished all these would just stopped and leave me alone. I rather be alone than hurt many times over. I just wished I had some say in my own affairs of the heart but no, it’s not giving me a chance to.

To you:

Please stop treating me like a fool already. Because I know whatever is going on. I do. Stop hiding it from people because we can see it. I’m not some stupid fucktard where I don’t know what’s going on. Why do you think I left that night when we were walking to the station together? You like him, he likes you. Your two other friends knew it and were nudging you to speak to him, but I was there, and you used your eyes to hint your friend to shut up. But glad for you, I walked away. Now, I heard you two are going to be dating. And you broke up with your boyfriend just because of that.

I just wished someone would have the courtesy to tell me something was going on between the both of you so I’ll back off. But no, I was left there guided by my own feelings, behaving a fucking moron and y’all just stood there watching all this unfold in front of you. I’m not sad cos I didn’t get to be with him or whatever the fuck it is. He is not worth it anyway. I learnt many important lessons: “Throughout everything, I’ve learnt never to let my hopes go high, always expect disappointments or what have you.” I’m pissed because no one told me. I feel so fucking humiliated, embarrassed with nowhere to hide my face in.

But guess what? I’m kinda glad you’re going to be together with him because it just showed me what a nice friend you can be. It opened up my eyes to seeing who are my friends really were – people who pretended to be concerned but in fact, they just stood there watching. It just showed me what you’re capable of. You’re a fucking two faced bitch, fucking hypocrite that I can’t stand to even make conversation with you.

One more thing, I learnt to give away my old toys to the less fortunate.

I’ve got something they don’t?

Guess I couldn’t concentrate in writing my RJ cos I’m feeling very emotional. I think I’m going to break down very soon. I haven’t spoken much to people, I’ve been ostracising myself from everyone I know, I’ve been anti-social. I seem to appear fine on the outside, but you don’t know/have no idea how I feel inside. Just a moment ago, I felt like I had another family, but now I feel like I’m an outcast. There’s this weird circle around me where people are starting to leave me out in their social conversations, I can’t help but feel really upset/insecure about it. I don’t think I’m being paranoid, cos I think that’s the truth. The truth hurts. I can’t help but feel left out, that’s why I chose to leave. It’s not that I didn’t have fun or I regret joining, but somehow I’m left out there.

No one wants me.

Stuck in reverse

When you try your best but you don’t succeed; you get what you want but not what you need.

That line’s been playing in my head over and over again. Today is officially the third day of school after our 2 weeks “study break” of which I did not even touch my books for one bit. Had so many activities, camps, rehearsals for the entire two weeks. Some of which I did enjoy myself very much, some of which I did not. But I’m glad it’s over.

I hate having to make decisions over things I both love. Decisions that will lead to different paths. I hate making life-changing decisions. It’s good I made it into the auditions. But now, I can’t decide which I’m staying in. I’ve been racking my brains over it so much, I’m tired of people telling what I should or should not do.

All I can say.. I’m probably stretching myself too thinly again.

xo

I’m a REPLUGIO

What am I s’pposed to do when the best part of me is always you? What am I s’pposed to say when I’m all choked up and you’re okay yea? I’m falling to pieces, yea.

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Although I’m s’pposed to head down to school for some music theory lesson kinda thing, I’m quite lazy to move seeing that I live in the east and my school’s in Woodlands. And I’ll be the only vocalist there while the rest are musicians. I feel so out-of-place. Le sigh.

Just ended Replug camp last week, and to be honest, I really miss it. It’s the best camp I’ve ever been to, and I don’t have times that I’m falling asleep because of talks, boring games or meaningless programmes. I saw another side to the people, which are really different from the first impressions that I had of them. And ever since I’ve been in the Members Only group, I’m enjoying the statuses they post up there. I’m finally able to say that: ‘I’M PROUD TO BE A REPLUGIO’

xoxo

Don’t you realised I decided to push you out from my life? Don’t you realised I’m good at doing that? I don’t need someone like you in my life; I need someone there for me no matter what. I don’t want you as a bf, but I don’t even want you as a friend even more. You just proved to me you’re not what I expected you to be anyway. In any case, I’m glad to be rid of you.

Wonderful Tonight.

Always wanted to post something but I was lazy to think of things to blog about even though I had plenty of things to rant, comment or simply place my views about. Recently busy with activities from school – decisions that I have to make which makes me feel that it will impact the road one way or another, activities that keep so busy and things that I have to manage.

~

I’m on the verge of breaking down; I just want to cry but I have to keep telling myself not to, that I have to be strong and stop crying over little things that I’m facing. I wished that I am a little less hesitant, a little more firm or maybe have a clear sense of which direction I want to go/pursue in the future. Maybe if I was able to do something about it, I would have a little less trouble with the decisions I have to make right now.

I have to set my priorities right. I have to place what is most important first. I have to do well in my academics. I have to face up to so many expectations. I have to manage my time well. I have to meet deadlines. Why the hell am I spreading my life so thinly again? I want to do so many things, but I can’t choose which I want to focus on. I’m greedy like that, and I have to face the consequences for it again.

I have this question that I have been asking myself ever since the results out – Replug or Rhapsody? Replug or Rhapsody? Replug or Rhapsody? Even when I’m sitting there doing my worksheet, or singing my songs, or hanging out with my friends. It’s like I can’t seem to concentrate on anything, anything at all because of that decision I have to make as soon as possible or everything else in my life will seem to crumble and by then, it might be too late to do anything about that. But this decision is going to affect me for the rest of my life (at least to me), because it impacts what intentions or things I want to do with my life.

Truthfully I know I don’t belong in Rhapsody because I stick out like a sore thumb, because of my voice. But I love being in the midst of so many friendly people, I love how our voices can be used to become a song by itself. I’ve always been curious about how acapella works, but honestly I don’t think I can stay there for long.

And I don’t know if I stay in Replug. Honestly, I don’t think I’m any good in there because I don’t have originality. The songs I sing I hardly make any variations to it unless it’s really bad. I’ve never been great at rearranging songs, but the things I see in Replug is so unique or they totally make a whole change to the song. I actually rejected Replug, but seniors called and talked to me that I should stay. I don’t know how much to trust them, because I don’t know if their words are genuine. But I feel that Replug is the kind of place I would belong in, more than I’m in Rhapsody. The seniors say that I have potential if I am in Replug, but to be honest, they only heard me for two rounds. But when they are around me, my voice may not be up to what they have thought it would be.

The best part is I don’t know which IG to stay in. I mean after considering and thinking a lot, I do have a rough idea whic I should go to. But I’m holding back because I don’t know if it’ll be the right choice, the right decision. But I know I should try to take risks but I’m just so scared of taking the wrong step. xoxo

Credits to Chang

I feel like I’m losing all my friends, and people that I care about. The scary part is, I don’t even know what to do about it. I don’t know if I want to do anything about it.

On the one hand, it hurts and stings like that when I get left out. I feel hurt and disappointed, and I wonder what the heck is wrong with me. Am I really that insignificant? I guess so. I tried to let go of the birthday thing but I can’t. It still hurts, it still stings. And now this? This is just a continuation of that slap in the face. Its a kick in the gut, as well.

On the other hand, somehow I can’t be bothered with people anymore. Everyone wants something from you, everyone expects something in return. And when you can’t deliver? Disappointments. Its exhausting. I have nothing left to give anymore. What more do you want from me? Another thing: if you can’t be bothered with our friendship, why should I be the only one making the effort? If I’m not important to you, why should you be important to me?

Can’t tell who’s fake and who’s real anymore. I guess I’ve learnt what they meant by taking your emotions out of the equation. What it means to plaster a smile on your face and tell everyone you’re ok. I used to think it was difficult and almost impossible to hide my emotions, but I guess amongst people I don’t know anymore and people who don’t know me anymore, its easier. It almost becomes habitual.

I need a break from everything. School work, life, friends, people in general. Its overwhelming. I want to travel. To go somewhere far away from Singapore and get my head sorted out. Maybe then everything will be ok. Maybe I will be ok. Maybe not. Its a cycle.

When you try your best but you don’t succeed | When you feel so tired, but you can’t sleep | When you lose something you can’t replace | When you love someone but it goes to waste | Could it be worse?

Taken from http://clyrehc.livejournal.com/49080.html

Nostalgia

Don’t cha wish time would just slow down, let you catch up with everyone before they move on again? I have no idea why I’m feeling so depressed now; just by looking at the pictures on my timeline, I am tearing up. Again.

The few pictures we all have together. Look where we are at right now. Just stop, and look. Have you forgotten how I laugh? Or the fact that I love to sing? Or maybe my flaws have already influenced your mind to forget about this old friend of yours. I miss y’all very much. I miss the times we used to walk down to the canteen #likeaboss, and the times where we just break into the chorus of a song.

At the time when I broke down, I wished every single one of you were there with me. I wished I had those reassuring words I had taken for granted, or those hugs I thought would always be there. xo

One of the people I missed the most. You’re one of the closest; someone I felt was truly my soul sister. Someone who understood mostly what I was going through, someone who gave me advice, someone who’ll lend me her shoulder to cry on, someone who’ll offer her free hugs, someone who’ll camwhore with me. xoxo

I really missed the times I had with everyone of you! You girls are like my family; especially those whom I’ve grown with. I miss the feeling of warmth, acceptance, love from you girls! It’s like I have this family, who never left. xo

I miss you dudes the most! I was looking at all the videos we had, I was laughing away. I couldn’t believe how little things like these could make us smile, or the lamest things we could do just to entertain ourselves. We might be a lil eccentric, but we love each other all the same! I spent the best four years of my life growing up with you girls, I can’t wait to see y’all again. It’s like when we could see each other everyday, we were just ‘Hi, Bye’ but now that we have all gone different paths, look at the endless conversations, encouragements we give to each other. xo

Another family in school; the Student Council. This is somewhere I didn’t expect myself to end up in. I’m one of the most rebellious people, God knows why MrKang still accepted me into the council. However, it showed what different things faith could do.  I don’t think I would have become the leader I am, or the things I’m capable of. I miss hearing all the laughter from the SC room, or maybe the random dance we learn. Maybe camwhoring would be another thing. I don’t know who I would have become without these people supporting me at the back from whatever I’m doing. xoxo

I miss jamming with y’all. Really. Although we look otherwise, I think we’re cool. I really miss all the lame things Alvin would come up with, or some cheeky face that Hung would make. I really miss y’all so much, I miss how the atmosphere feel around you guys. You guys never fail to put that smile on my face, or make me feel like I do have something I can be proud of. Because you guys had faith in me. xoxo

Can you believe this? I even miss how the guys would tease me; for everything. Especially Harris and Nhavin. I miss the times during Chemistry, and Chinese where we’ll be crapping away at the back. Talking nonsense, playing poker with polaroids. I don’t know what else y’all are capable of. I miss all the teasing. xoxo

I might have left out certain people, but it’s simply impossible for me to list out everyone. Whatever I wrote here is an understatement, because the things you guys have done is simply indescribable.

No matter how bright my future seems, it’s the people from the past who mould me to become who I am today.

Things to give thanks for.

  1. Getting into Round 1 of REPLUG auditions
  2. Getting into Round 2 of REPLUG auditions
  3. Getting into RHAPSODY
  4. Getting into the Round 1 of the musical
  5. Making new friends in a new environment
  6. Getting appreciated for things
  7. Appreciating old friends even more

There’s so many things to thank God for. But I don’t think I have time to touch on everything. God has been really good to me; His faithfulness never fails. Just when I thought He has forgotten about me, He surprises me with His miracles. All my life I have been failing umpteen auditions/interviews, but look where has His gift brought me.

I got accepted into 2 IGs I genuinely did not think I would have made through because of their standards. I got into the first round of the Musical auditions – and this was really unexpected. I mean, I can’t act even though I’m so dramatic. I screwed up the singing part of the audition which I knew I could have done better. I love dancing, but I look atrocious when I do. Things that I didn’t think would happen, did happen. I don’t know if it’s too early to be happy about anything. But I am already grateful for already coming this far. I just hope it’ll get better and better, but I know He has a purpose for me. I might not be able to succeed now, but who knows in the future?

Acceptance – a new word that I learn the meaning of. Accepting people for not only their strengths, but their flaws as well. Being accepted feels great, something that I truly felt only at this point in my life. I want to make people feel great/accepted for who they are around me. I want to help everyone feel the meaning of acceptance, even at the littlest moment in their life.

Whoever we are assigned with, I feel that we should embrace their flaws and make use of their strengths. No one person is perfect. In the working environment in the future, you don”t get to choose who your bosses are, who your colleagues are, who your clients are. Whatever the character they come with, you just have to learn to adapt to the circumstances.

Faith.

Hullo readers!

Here’s some updates about what I’ve been doing these days!

  • Auditions for RHAPSODY
  • Auditions for Reflections musical: The Makan Place
  • Auditions Round 1 and 2 for REPLUG

Boy, am I so glad that they’re all over. I hate having the jitters before/during auditions. You know, I’ll keep thinking about it all the time until they’re finally over before I can heave a sigh of relief. It’s kinda scary, but then again, I promised myself to have to grab all opportunities or else I’ll regret it. Though the auditions for the musical was kinda new to me, having to dance, sing and read a monologue, I’m really surprised that I really like it:)  I just hope I get some small part in the musical, just for the fun of it:)

I got into both REPLUG and RHAPSODY. And I think it’s impossible for me to go and do both (Not that I’ll want anyway). For your information, REPLUG is an IG which redefines music; while RHAPSODY is an acapella singing group (Is it the same like show choir?). I went for both auditions, hoping I’ll get into either one and get rejected by the other. But then, both accepted me, so what do I do now?

I feel that being in REPLUG would be pretty stressful for me, and stress is the one thing I do not want to have on my plate right now. While RHAPSODY really gives me the feel of being in a family, like GLEE. I mean, since I said that, my mind is already made up, right?

I need to really master my time management, or else things are going to go the way I do not want it to be. Guess I have a lot to balance on my plate right now, the last thing I need to spread myself too thinly like before, and regret it all over again. Need to pray and ask that Daddy will help me with this; Mother has already said that she’ll want me to quit the IGs if my academics suffer.

Really detest the thought of having so much to balance on my plate right now; the many groups of friends, academics, IGs. Ah, this is so annoying.

Regrets & Mistakes

Sometimes I do feel like I’m turning back to my old self; even tho I’ve been a lot matured in terms of many situations, I feel that my usage of profanities has just increased by bounds and leaps, and that’s not a thing I should be proud of. Maybe you can say it’s peer influence but that’s not a very good excuse – it’s just well, lame. Sure, I’m not the only one using it but there are definitely others who don’t use it as well. I do hope I change on that part tho; using vulgarities isn’t very Christian-like, lady-like or someone with class.

Confession: Sometimes, I do feel like a hypocrite. When I said I’ll help a person, then I turned around joining others talking bad about them. It’s not that I do it on purpose, but sometimes you just want to help them and yet feel annoyed with that person all at the same time.  What do I do in such a situation? I feel so disgusted with myself for doing all that.

Especially if that person has been really nice to you after your help, sending you the quiz questions when you needed it the most and you just did the worst thing you could have ever done to someone else. I really feel so disgusted with myself. I don’t want to continue like that anymore, but sometimes, some people just want to test your patience to the limits.

Sometimes I really do scare myself, am I turning into my own scariest nightmare?

Love you, love you not?

Hello readers!;)

Guess I haven’t been updating for a week; can’t seem to find the right words to write.

While the rest had lunch, I decided to camwhore with Dani’s iPod.

I love the effects! We went to JCube for ice-skating, then City Hall for shopping with Mashita and Dani ❤ Talked the entire time in the train, laughing and ignoring what others thought of us. Learnt how to ice-skate, I would love to do it again after I’m done with dance lessons!:) Walked around JCube to look for a pair of jeans but to no avail, because it’s practically empty there. Went to City Hall with the other two and we went to so many shops in the two hours. Legs were aching from ice-skating, so we went home early!:)

I don’t know how I feel, I just know without you, I feel so lost. I just want to tell you “It’s you, stupid”. Need I say more?

“Error flies from mouth to mouth, from pen to pen, and to destroy it takes ages” – Voltaire

We are very apt to believe anything that someone else tells us, even if we are not given sufficient information to back the statement up. In addition, we are very unlikely to verify the accuracy of what others tell us. We then pass on the information, as truth, believing we have just given someone else knowledge, which in fact is false. Before we know it, what started out as the false knowledge of one has become accepted as true knowledge by many. When dealing with the written word, the same phenomenon occurs, only this time to a greater extent. People more readily believe written sources as being true than spoken word. Many people accept as truth what they see published simply because they believe that it must have come from a credible source. They accept the validity of this knowledge without any investigation into the author’s credibility or knowledge on the subject.

Got this from a website, and I love the meaning!

God knows we’re hurting

Don’t know why I just can’t sleep. Seems like I have too many things in my mind, and my head won’t go to rest until it has gotten everything from my heart out.

So let’s see. When I obviously have so many things in my life that are worth to be sad for, I chose to push it away and focus on things that make me happy.

Things that make me happy

  • When I see myself motivated to complete the worksheet
  • When I receive good comments from facilitators
  • When people appreciate my voice
  • When I’m with my favourite people – Dani & Sarah
  • When I’m camwhoring
  • When I’m finally home after all the travelling

Things that make me sad/angry:

  • Having classmates who don’t do their share of work
  • Having facilitators who don’t do the things they’re s’pposed to do but pick on the students instead
  • When I get hungry and cranky
  • When I can’t sleep when I’m supposed to
  • When people don’t reply my texts
  • When people take me for granted
  • When I have a sore throat and I can’t sing
  • When I’m late for something
  • When old friends forget about me
  • When someone else becomes more important than me

Here are some of the things in a list that I’ve  created:) I feel like a whiny child when I do the last list, but it does help to get things out.

The  fact/thought of meeting up with fellow team seven friends just hanging out, or doing our RJs together always make me look forward to going to school. I don’t have much interaction with my classmates; some might think I’m too loud, some might think I’m too outspoken or attention-seeking but hey, who cares? As long as I don’t overdo it, I don’t think anyone has the right to bother with who I wanna be. I love hanging out with my favourite people after school because we’ll talk of the day’s happenings and updates about guys!;)

Do you know how frustrating it is; to want to be the best, putting your best yet not attaining the results that you want. Sometimes I wonder if all the effort I put in will ever be seen by the facilitator; they might think its just for show, but all I want to prove is that I’m hardworking and determined to get the top marks for my modules. I’m not trying to be a show off-er, a bossy person but all I am is a student who just wants the best for herself.

Do you feel like no matter what you do, you’ll never be able to please your parents?

Because I feel that way. Yes, I understand that all parents have high expectations. They’ll definitely have that for their child. Which parent wouldn’t want their kid to be multi-talented, coming out top in school, winning competitions? But it’s easier said than done.

I don’t know what’s it like to have to be the ideal parent. To be there for the kid, but also wanting things to get done as well. Sometimes, things doesn’t go two way.

Let’s talk about something else because I’m not in that topic for now.

Went for a recording session yesterday but I must say its not the best I’ve done. It really sounded bad and that’s after so many takes. Maybe it’s because I’m sick but still, it sounded bad.

Sometimes I need to tell myself Im not the only one in this world who can sing. So I wont get conceited.

It serves as a constant reminder. xoxo

Deja Vu?

I don’t know how you’d feel when you’re not chosen for something while all your friends are, or when someone of a lower level are chosen over you. Do you feel incompetent? Or maybe useless? Is unworthy the word to use? That kinda summarises the feelings I felt when I faced the so called ‘office politics’ when I was both in the student council and the girls’ brigade.

Was just looking at twitter and I find that there are cycles in every generation which repeat even though many things change.

Now it’s the time for the choosing/grooming of the next generation of leaders, many people will be competing for the different roles in the cca. Inevitably, some are in, some are out. This then makes me feel like every single aspect of your life – academics, friendship, influence, relationships – matter even more so. If the teachers feel that you can’t cope with any one of it, then you’ll fall short.

You’ll also find that some people change when it’s time for them to receive their so called authority/power. You find that friends you once knew so much start to change, you kinda feel you don’t recognise them anymore. So what can you do?

1. Nothing or 2. You adapt. Whichever is harder, I don’t know. But for me, I sure as well will not sit my ass there and watch things happen.